It’s currently 0234am on a Tuesday night, I’ve had 2 pints of Robinson’s Orange Squash and 3 Mr Kipling’s Angel Slices (30% less sugar which means they’re healthy). In the 3.5 hours before I gave up I tried listening to my audiobook, listening to my sleep podcasts, listening to “rain falling on a tent” (don’t ask), listening to music, listening to nothing. I’ve tried covers on, I’ve tried covers off. I’ve drank water. I’ve cried. I’ve tried to be sick. Mate, I’ve tried it all. And recently on nights like this I’ve just given up, I’ve come down to my lounge, turned on some crap TV and just admitted that I ain’t sleeping until… until my mind is quiet enough to allow me to. It’s horrible and it’s not fair.

I love sleep. Always have. I need about 9 hours to be at my peak. I have the most comfortable bed and invested in white bed linen a year ago, because I wanted my bed to feel like a hotel bed (it’s from Amazon, 7 quid, so we are probably talking Ibis, at a push). Peak Ellen needs to have optimum conditions, no light, no sound. My Fitbit tells me I average around 6/7 hours on a working day, which tells me I always exist just below my peak, apart from the weekends, or… when I go to bed before sundown. Recently though it’s been a little less than a routine, and if I’m honest, I feel sorry for Fitbit trying to work out when I’m conscious and when I’m not. At the moment I’m working on a “sleep Monday night ”, “ no sleep Tuesday night”, “sleep Wednesday night”, “no sleep Thursday night”, you get the pattern? At the moment I have to have a light on when I do sleep and I need some background noise. On the nights I don’t sleep… like tonight, I can usually expect for my brain and body to give in between 0330 and 0600hrs. Which I guess, is giving me some sort of routine right? I’m rarely getting through the day without a nap and on the good sleep nights I’m sleeping anywhere between 9 and 12 hours. If I didn’t have crippling depression I’d be tip top and dandy on these days wouldn’t I. Jeeeeeez.

I am on medication which has an initial side effect of “difficulty sleeping or falling asleep”, YEAH YOU THINK?! And have found the loneliest time is around 0330hrs. It’s the middle of the night, humans are asleep. I used to be a shift worker and so I am aware of this time of night, but when I should be asleep, I find the inability to sleep harder than anything. I get a bit emotional and regress to lost child mode.

I am very aware that this is a symptom of my illness right now, and that people have struggled with insomnia for thousands of years and that there are plenty of people out there who are battling night demons much bigger than mine. But a symptom or not, it’s horrible, sleep is truly so important. And I hope, if you’re struggling to nod off at the moment, that you get to sleep soon. If not, at 0330hrs after a Mr Kipling Angel Slice, give me a try, I might just be awake.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx