I’ve always been a sociable person, for as long as I can remember I have enjoyed speaking and listening. I love finding out about people. I ask too many questions and love sociable situations. I’m unphased by noise and enjoy bars and pubs and festivals. I will purposefully put myself into loud and vibrant atmospheres and always turn the radio up full whack when a song comes on the radio that I like. I love laughing out loud with my friends and I scream and shout when I’m drunk. The loud sound on an aeroplane doesn’t bother me and I am consistently asking for the TV to be turned up. I actively like noise. I like being in situations where there is noise and as my friends and family will vouch for, I make a lot of noise.

All this changes sometimes though.

Today, I’m lying on my sofa, with the TV off and the sound of the wurring washing machine in the next room is making me feel anxious. My ears hurt and the occasional sound of a bird outside is searing through my ear drums. I can’t bear it. I don’t want to talk to anyone and am communicating in the fewest words possible. I’m consumed by the need for silence.

Today, like other days, after writing this I will take myself off to my bedroom. I will turn the light off and lie on my bed in silence. This allows me to hear the noise in my head, I acknowledge it and listen to it. This, for me, gives less power to the noise and I’m able to quieten it down once I’ve given it my full attention and sometimes I even relax. This is in by no means a long term solution, but at the moment, this is working, and it’s enabling me to cope. If you’re struggling with noise, give the above a go.

I’ve been off work for around 6 weeks and believe I have made significant recovery in that time, I’ve still got a way to go but I’m confident I’m back on the path to normality. My need for silence occasionally still remains and rather than being scared or put out by it. I am able to sometimes just take myself out to the garden, and sit and listen to natural sounds, that all seems less daunting. But I ride it, I do what I need to do and try my best to make people aware of what it is that I need. If you’re struggling with noise, people, a situation, anything… take action. Remove yourself, talk to those your with, ask for help, go lie on your bed in silence and don’t for a second feel bad about it. You do you, darling, the need for silence is real.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx