I am so sick of this shit. It absolutely sucks.

I don’t want to end my life right now and I wouldn’t say I am suicidal or having any thoughts or wanting to harm myself. But I am fed up of the up and down. Of the uncertainty of each day, and waking up not knowing whether I’m going to love the day, want the day to end, or skip it completely. I know that one day it won’t feel like this, and then it might feel like this again. But right now it does, and that’s all I can think of.

Yesterday was brilliant, I got up, I took my tablets, I drank some water that tasted so cold and fresh it suprised me. I ate a banana and enjoyed it. I got in the car and went to the gym, the sky was blue and I pressed the button that allowed me to feel the morning breeze sweeping across my face. It was warm, but breezy. I got the gym and ran, and lifted and crosstrained? (Is that the word). I left the gym and went out for lunch in the sunshine, I noticed the September sun. I had a pedicure and laughed with the woman who said I had small toenails whilst I sat in a ridiculously comfy chair. I ate food and I smiled and laughed and nothing major happened, I didn’t do anything life changing or news worthy or even social media worthy. But it was a good day, and as I went to sleep last night, I felt relaxed, tomorrow was coming and it was going to be good.

How wrong I was.

Today was not brilliant. I didn’t get up. When I did, I forced my tablets down my throat with luke warm water that had been sat by the side of my bed all night. I couldn’t bare the thought of eating and decided I wouldn’t eat all day. I got back into bed and cried. I managed to get downstairs an hour later where I slumped on my sofa. Hoping that the day would be over soon. I opened the door to let my dog out, it was raining, and it was cold. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, or have to look anyone in the eye. I didn’t want to smile or feel. I just wanted to sleep until tomorrow. As I tried to force myself to sleep that night, I was uncomfortable and I was distressed and what I really wanted to do, was to sleep until yesterday. But instead, I hoped tomorrow would be anything but today.

I could make myself ill with the amount of time I spend analysing what I can or can’t do to help prepare me to have a good day. I try restricting, not doing too much, overtiring myself, deep breathing, mindfulness and what ever other bollocks it says to do on google. But depression wins sometimes. Depression doesn’t discriminate and it doesn’t care what you’ve done to prepare. When you’re in a low, depression can pull you in whenever it bloody wants. And it’s so unfair.

I don’t have any wise words, I don’t have any inspiration for you. And there is no “things I have learnt” at the end of this post. I have no idea what I’m doing, I have read a previous blog where I was even talking about being this low, but sometimes I can’t even hear myself and positivity. I never have consistently and I don’t think I ever will. But I’m trying, and I wanted to share that I’m trying. I wanted to share that I don’t have answers, I just feel it, I have good days, bad days and days. And whether I like it or not, rather than get frustrated or fed up with living, I ride it. As I’ve told you all, ride it. Enjoy the silence if you need to. Just know that we are all riding it together, and if you’re having a bad day today, know that more than anything, I feel you. Tomorrow is just another day, fingers crossed, ey?

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx