Two days after this photo was taken I was in bed completely drowning. I was drowning in thoughts; dark ones and scary ones and suicidal ones, wondering if I’d make it through the day. The day this photo was taken I was fighting against the grasps of depression. Depression that was trying to pull me in and suffocate me. Yet, I smiled, I smiled all day long.

Depression and any other Mental Health Illness does not carry one type of face. Key symptoms of depression include feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness, or hopelessness. Other symptoms show up as angry outbursts, loss of interest in normal activities, sleep disturbances, tiredness, and anxiety. The list goes on. If you notice any changes in someone’s behaviour or that they are showing signs of the above symptoms, you of course should raise it. However, what is not spoken about so often is the invisibility of these common symptoms and how they differ in how and when they manifest. The variation in my symptoms makes it challenging for family members and friends to know when it’s time to step in and intervene, and can sometimes be impossible for me to work out before it’s too late.

I have had periods of completely ignoring the inner turmoil that I feel. Smiling through the pain, is just easier, I tell myself.

There is a hashtag, #faceofdepression, it went viral following the tragic loss of Robin Williams who took his own life following a life of struggling with Depression, mostly without public knowledge due to his fun loving, beaming and infectious personality. The hashtag has began to open up conversation around what people with depression “look like”, which in fact, is completely impossible to identify. I have spent my time the past couple of weeks unable to look at any pictures on my camera roll from the past year, I associate certain images with times of feeling completely lost, yet I am convinced that there is not a single person that would know this from the smile I have on my face. It’s heartbreaking.

It’s easier to smile. It is easier at the time. We all know that. But everything will always catch up with us, it has too. Especially with the weight of a world that is desperate for us to be consistently happy, consistently instagrammable, and consistently consistent. It’s all too much.

The stigma that surrounds Mental Health Illneses needs to disappear. The judgement, fear, and assumptions have to go and the knowledge, acceptance and understanding needs to take a front seat. It is not going anywhere, it’s an incurable, dibilitating and for some, a life long battle. Whilst I know that I will manage my symptoms, and that life will go on, I fear that not everyone’s life will. We need to talk, and we need to eradicate the image that connects mental health illnesses to certain behaviours, to a sad face. This needs to happen. Fast. I hope I’m able to look at all the images I have soon, my smiles were real. But smiles, are that, smiles. They don’t mean everything, and a lot of people are fighting battles that they do not talk about. We are all in this together. Let’s start acting like it.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx