Day (what feels like) 678 of lying and watching television whilst the outside world, the blue sky and fresh air sit meters away, within reach but completely out of focus. It’s a Friday evening, a couple of months ago I couldn’t of stood the thought of laying in my bed at 1730 on a Friday evening. I am under the impression that I will be told later on this evening that ‘some fresh air would do me good’. I have no doubt that it would, but my head is currently louder than a full volume, Wembley stadium music concert appropriate speaker. The information I am taking in, actions or movements I am doing are taking every single physical strength I have to complete. Taking one step feels like a marathon, and a simple task like putting the kettle on is like taking an exam in chemistry.

So, here I lay and here I shall stay.

You see, I’ve changed tactics. Whilst I am pushing myself to get out, and do things that I don’t feel comfortable with right now, I’m also listening to myself. I’m doing what I want to do, what I need to do in the quantities, times and paces that I want or need to do them. Depression has a great way of forcing itself on you at extremely inconvenient times, and when it does, it’s suffocating. I really hope I’m learning to recognise the triggers for these situations, and the medication and tactics I’m trying to use are making everyday life more bearable, and allowing me to challenge myself.

This evening, I want to lie in my bed, I want to eat hula hoops and watch TV. I want to talk to no one and I will probably be asleep by around 2000. I’m prepared to do what I want, when I feel like it, because right now, those moments are what make me happy. And I’m clutching at those moments. I have written this blog post over the space of 2 hours, in 3 instalments, I’ve written in short bursts, when I want to write, and stopped when I’m no longer enjoy writing. I’ve done what I need to do in order to make me feel a bit better when I can. I hope it all makes sense.

Do not ever let someone tell you what it is that you need. You should listen to suggestions, you should acknowledge them, take them on board and consider them, because most of the time, they may help. And believe me, a walk, some fresh air, whilst sounding vile, may just help lift you even for 5 minutes. But please, don’t let anyone force you into something that they believe will help, they do not know. It may have worked for them that time they were sad or lost. But only you know you. You really should trust yourself. Listen to your gut, and listen to your body. Listen if your body wants to lie in bed and rest. Don’t be made to feel bad and don’t make yourself feel bad. Your mind will play tricks on you and please don’t always listen to that. But ride it, sit in it and when you’re ready, listen to what your body needs, take a nap and then get up and fight your way through the day… Or try again tomorrow. We’ll still be here.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx