I am relatively open about my struggles with depression (I mean I’m writing a blog about it so…) I do however, have regular periods of being unable to vocalise how I’m feeling. Sometimes I can’t talk at all. You often see messages encouraging people to talk about their mental health, to tell others how they’re feeling. Well-meaning messages often suggest that people who are struggling can reach out for help and list phone numbers that people can ring if they are having a rough time. These messages are all fantastic in principle. The problem is that sometimes, no matter how much we want to, talking about our mental health can be really bloody difficult. Whichever stage someone is at in their mental health journey – whether it’s the first time they are speaking openly about their feelings or they have been talking about them for years, there are times when the words just won’t come out. It’s all well and good to be encouraged to talk about your feelings. But how do you do that if I don’t know how I feel? If the weight of the world is too much to even find the words?

It’s not always easy to work out feelings and emotions. Sometimes it feels like nothing at all – depression can leave me feeling so bloody numb. At other times, I have all sorts of feelings or emotions but won’t be able to identify what they are. It’s not always easy to talk, it’s really not.

I constantly and consistently have to battle with feeling chaotic, overwhelmed, lacking in headspace, sometimes I feel like a bloody bouncy ball being repeatedly thrown against a wall. None of these are things that I would probably class as an emotion or able to properly vocalise, but they’re still feelings aren’t they?

Another limiting fact of the “talking” thing is that unfortunately, I can’t always predict or control other people’s reactions and not everyone is as understanding as I might like them to be. If I’m worried about them responding in any of these ways, I tend to avoid the subject or shut it down as quickly as possible. At the moment I feel like sometimes I’m just not ready to talk to someone about certain things and need to spend more time building up a trusting relationship with them.

I know that I am particularly lucky to feel that I am able to talk about my mental health so openly, but for some people, they may desperately want to talk about their feelings but feel as though they have nobody they can speak to about them. Sometimes when you’re struggling you feel unable to speak to friends or family members. It’s so important for people to be open minded when going into a situation where someone may be finding it hard to talk, and being as normal as you usually are and just listening with patience is the top skill, in my opinion.

If you have access to the money, you might be able to pay for a private counsellor or therapist. Therapists will be able to help you access the tools to vocalise how you’re feeling. Some therapists offer a sliding scale when it comes to the cost of their sessions which can help them to be more affordable for those of with less money available. You should of course visit your GP, who will be able to refer you for talking therapies, you may just have to wait. My employers offered the opportunity to access some counselling. Your HR department or manager if you are in work should know about the types of support available to you, it’s worth looking into. (Really hope you read this before reading my previous blog post “untheraputic” – not an ideal follow up, but I am still a big advocate for therapy).

I know that not everyone finds expressing their feelings easy, and it doesn’t come naturally to a lot of people, throw in some depression and anxiety and you’ve got a perfect reason to not talk at all. I know it’s cliche and I know you’ve read it, but talking does help, you don’t have to shout about it, and you don’t have to tell everyone. Wait until you’re ready, and pull someone you trust. It’s going to take some time for society to catch up and understand that it’s not as easy as just “speaking up”, but we can do our best.

Having a mental health illness is chronically painful and confusing and the more we all talk about it, however long that takes, the faster and easier we will all recover. I honestly believe that. Talking is tough, but you will get there, we will get there.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx