My phone is there, buzzing at me every two seconds, telling me I NEED to look at it.

I will put my hand up, pretty much stretch it as high as I can get it (like you did when you nearly burst a blood vessel in your head, when you were in primary school desperate to answer a question) and admit that I’m addicted to having my phone in my vicinity at all times. Having had a lot of time to kill recently, I’ve spent more time scrolling than ever. I have made conscious and strict rules around using and looking at my phone, but the rules can be and are bent, all the bloody time.

The love affair people have with their smartphones is an absolute hallmark of the generation that I was born into, if you were born in the 1990s or later, we are all known for being “surgically attached to our phones”. It should be a massive bloody concern for society that smart phones might be partly responsible for the growing incidence of depression, suicide and other major mental health illnesses. But what is being done about it? What can I actually do about it to be honest?

Through social media; I often find myself feeling inadequate. The entire world seems to be achieving in one way or another. Whether it be a new job or promotion. Tiny babies, or photos of grand weddings. Smiling faces sharing travels, or photos of certificates. It could be something else entirely. Whatever it is, it can be really hard to not let all of this carefully curated ‘success’ affect how I feel about myself. And on a day like today, where I am unable to even peel myself from my sofa because I’m exhausted and drained, when I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of meh, perfect pictures and updates of peoples lives are particularly hard to swallow.

The phone thing has hurt me and hit me particularly hard recently, because my every waking thought and every ounce of energy has been consumed with getting through the day. Some of us are trying our best to stay alive, to survive. When you have depression, you often worry about what other people think about you, and play things over and over again in your head. So when I get a message that could be misconstrued, or I send something that I think looks a bit desperate, I spend ages mulling things over. It wastes a huge chunk of my day, and it’s also very distracting.

It’s worth me remembering, that people carefully curate the things they tell people and put online, myself included. I remember posting a pictures on Facebook, grinning next to a driving test pass. But didn’t post the five times I failed my theory. People might show a grinning family portrait. But won’t share the six arguments they had that morning. We all pick and choose what we post online, and what we share with others. People don’t tend to share the not-so-nice bits of their life. They only share the things they’re proud to share.

I can honestly say I think my phone contributes massively to my lows. I constantly stress about what information it might present me with, and most importantly, I keep missing moments because of it.

I’m going to aim to bring back a rule, I’m not sure what that rule is yet, but I notice that when I decrease the amount I sit on my phone, my mood lifts, I enjoy moments, I open up and I don’t care about what someone else is up to. There are so many things that are contributing negatively to my mental health, that if I can identify something clearly and do something about it, I know I really should.

If you feel stuck, adrift, alone… and I know you’re reading this on your smartphone, I want to remind you how wonderful you are. Continuing to try your darnedest every day despite all the setbacks we all encounter is so brave. It’s so admirable. It’s so incredibly strong. We are succeeding by waking up every day, by showing up, by never ever giving up. And you’re not documenting any of that. Maybe you should. Maybe this isn’t about eradicating phones or drastically reducing our consumption and viewing of social media, maybe we just need to just change our approach. We should all start sharing the journey, not just the finish line. The highs and the lows, the reality. The bad days, the meh days, the days when we are on the Edge. I guess that’s what this blog is all about. We might all start to feel a bit more grounded, included and less alone if we are all openly on the edge or have an insight as to what being on the edge is like, if we are all in this together, don’t you think?

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx