Just as my depression let up, just a little bit, just when I was ready to return to work and to get back to a proper routine. Just as that happened my ear started hurting. I spent all weekend in bed slowly falling into the entrapment of the worst ear infection. It’s unbearable. I’m day 5 now, and so frustrated at my body. I’ve been unable to lift my head for the most part, have been being sick consistently and haven’t left the house.

But I’m just so frustrated at my body for letting me down, I feel consistently unwell. I honestly feel tired to my core, after weeks of working on it, my get-up and go has got-up and gone. With such little motivation, where the most basic of life tasks feel Herculean (literally can’t even bring myself to wash my hair) I feel as though I definitely don’t have the motivation to treat myself with much kindness.

I have tried not to let this get me down too much, I’m trying so hard. I am still trying to listen to myself though, I’m sleeping when I can, eating when I can, and am watching all of the Disney movies. Mentally, I genuinely do feel okay, but physically I feel like death, and when it comes directly of the back of my real low, I am struggling.

On top of this, I have been in contact with my doctors surgery almost daily, updating on symptoms, asking for sick notes and trying to get more help with this dreaded bastard infection. I have always found booking a GP appointment to be difficult and intimidating, I am with a practise that is way overstretched and I’ve learnt in the last few months that you really have to beg, which with the way I’ve been feeling physically the past week, hasn’t been hard. Often GP surgeries are booked up, so I know that it’s normal to have to be persistent, but if anything, I don’t really want to be phoning them up anymore.

I’m feeling extremely hard done by at the moment, having a really acute ear infection on the back or a severe depressive episode has not allowed me much time to breath, I feel like I’ve been dealt a really unfair hand and am pathetically feeling sorry for myself. I know people have it worse, I know you probably have it worse, but I’m just a bit fed up. I don’t have much to say within this, am very much aware of how much of a moan this whole post is and of the amount of times I’ve used the word “I”. It’s sort of not intentional, but I have nothing else to update you on just now, and my motivation to write is levelling my motivation to wash my hair, so this is as good as it’s going to get, sorry.

This is for you as well though, the you that feels like life is doing you a massive injustice at the moment, our bodies sometimes let us down, but just like everything else, we are strong and we will get through this. Let’s say it together “FUCK YOU MIDDLE EAR INFECTION!”.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx