Please close your eyes for a moment and try your best to think of any person that has ever been described as “bubbly” who does not carry a few extra pounds. Struggling? Please, if you can, point me in the direction of a very slim “bubbly” person and I shall eat my words.

I have always been overweight. I have since I was around 11 years old been chubby and rarely sit on a seat that my whole arse fits on without over spilling just that little bit. I am a size 14, which as it stands is under the UK average (with the average size of a female living in the UK, being a size 16), in the past ten years I have fluctuated between a size 12 and a size 18. Mostly comfortably sitting at a size 14, and I think coming to the terms with the fact that if I worked especially hard and gave up everything I liked and decided to be miserable, then I could quite easily achieve a size 10 figure. However, who has the mental energy to be miserable from something as trivial as a dress size?

I think my mental health has been massively affected over the years by my weight, I have always felt subconciously self concious, and very aware that I cannot clothes swap with 85% of my friends, or shop in Topshop (which mate, I seriously can’t even step one chubby thigh into that shop, not sure it would fit).

My high school experience didn’t become a positive one until I was around 14 due to being bullied quite severly, with the go to subject being my weight. Children can be unbelievably cruel, and I was regularly eating in private due to the fact even one person seeing me eat would usually prompt some sort of weight related comment. I was targeted by a couple of girls who went to the extent of ripping my hair out, kicking me in the stomach and spitting on me. I was advised to brush off comments, to try to understand that people found the easiest thing to pick on and that people would outgrow the need to attack me, both verbally and physically. Of course action was taken within school, but unfortunately that didn’t always stop it.

Interestingly the bullying subsided and I gained a few more friends and therefore a place on the popularity ladder when I was around 14. I started to grow in confidence, eat in school, but was always aware that I was a bit bigger than other girls and was always described as “big boned”. I didn’t have a boyfriend until I was 17 and was firmly under the impression that this was due to my size.

I have undergone several crash diets, and tried most crazes, mostly being unable to stick to one firmly and have resulted in having quite an unhealthy relationship with food. I am healthy and I try to exercise as much as I can, but I don’t think I make the best choices. One of the symptoms of my lows is also to stop eating, I lost a stone in 2 weeks in August (partly due to lack of appetite being a side effect of my new medication) but also due to the fact I tend to punish myself by not eating without even thinking of it as a punishment. I also tend to comfort eat, secret eat and stand on the scales way more than I should.

I make a joke of my weight now, partly a cover up for low confidence but I also like to think because I have a certain amount of acceptance in my body. My body has carried me through the most horrific time this year and I should be proud of what it has done for me. I can swim, I can run and I occasionally cycle. I can walk and I can dance and I can god damn do whatever the hell I want. With the rise of body positivity, I like to think that carrying a few extra pounds will no longer draw attention. I am in no means promoting an unhealthy lifestyle and think that we should all be taking care of ourselves, no matter what that looks like.

Please be aware of comments you make about people’s appearance, likelihood is, they don’t need you to tell them they are overweight… they know it already. And be careful with the jokes you are making, they may run deeper than you think. You have no goddamn idea what someone’s body has been through or the journey they are currently on. I will always be conscious of my weight, and acutely aware that I am always going to be described as “the bubbly one”. But I’m coming round to the fact that understanding that your value as a human being does not come from what you look like on the outside. It’s a constant journey of learning to accept your body for what it is so that you don’t let your insecurities hold you back from living life. It’s striving to be your best self.

Keep going on that weight loss, weight gain, weight maintenance, body acceptance journey. I’m bubbly inside and out and I’m right behind you.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx