The day I wore this plaster I was asked what I had done to my thumb, twice. Both times I responded with something along the lines of “I’ve just got a little sore”. That was acceptable enough and no more questions were asked. Why I wasn’t honest I don’t know, maybe I should have been. The reality was that I had put it there to stop myself scratching, I had scratched so deeply into my thumb one day at work that I had taken 3 layers of skin off and it was blistered and bleeding.

Somewhere in my despair, I stumbled upon what I thought was an “answer” in scratching. Momentarily it took my mind somewhere else, I focused on the pain of the scratch. I was feeling better for the physical pain, it was taking away from the whirlpool in my head and the pain of my thoughts.

So, *takes a deep breath* the bottom line is that the plaster in that picture is covering up a small stain of self harming. Isn’t it? I could feather it, I could cover it in glitter and make excuses for itchy skin. But I have to be honest, and I hope that my doing so, either helps you in recognising aspects of harmful behaviour, either in yourself so you can seek help, or in someone else, so you can reach out. I didn’t realise I self harmed until I was asked by my GP whether I had ever hurt myself, I replied no and she (for some reason) asked whether I scratched or bit my lips. I replied that I did the former and she informed me that I was self harming just maybe not in the obvious way. It all clicked. I hated myself for doing it, and a lot of the time never did it to the point of bleeding or scars, but I still did it. Of a night, my skin on my lower leg had felt like it was on fire, I had to scratch them. This tended to pull my mind away from the darkness of nighttime.

I’m not what most people would think of as a “typical self-harmer”. It never occurred to me that I might lose control. I was unprepared. I had not known how to verbalise what I was feeling or who best to approach for help — nor did I consider failure an option. So I pushed ahead with my everything, with my life, and refused to acknowledge that I was far from OK. I started to fall apart and I started to hurt myself.

We shower the term self-harm with thoughts of people cutting themselves with razors. Under a certain definition, many acts can be considered self-harm, not simply cutting or scratching until blood is drawn, scratches that simply leave a mark, pinching, hitting, burning or picking at scabs all fall under the umbrella. It’s not as much about what you do but why you do it, that will define whether the behaviour is self-harm. This breaks my heart, and is something I am extremely aware of now, as are my closest friends and family. “STOP SCRATCHING” is a daily line heard in my world.

Unfortunately, self-harm is shrouded in a stigma that prevented me from properly talking to anyone about it. This resulted in a few months of deception, until my mental health had deteriorated to the point of complete breakdown, and I was sat in front of a GP.

I feel incredibly lucky that I have managed to control this habit before I started relying on it. I know some people aren’t so lucky. I occasionally catch myself scratching, or someone close to me notices, and I do stop. But my god, if you’re finding it hard to stop, I’m so sorry. I know that after self-harming you may feel a short-term sense of release, it might be there, you might feel it’s momentarily helped, but the cause of your distress is unlikely to have gone away. Please remember that. You’re harming your lovely body, you are causing yourself pain as a distraction. There are things that aren’t going to cause you pain that will be able to actively alleviate that distress. I promise. Self-harm could also bring up some really difficult physical emotions and could make you feel worse.

Please remember, to encourage your friend to stop scratching, to stop biting their lips if you see them doing it. But most importantly, drop the stigma, please know that there are always reasons underneath and behind someone hurting themselves, it is important to know that self-harm does carry risks, but you must be understanding, and you must be open and accepting. If you are, you may just be the start of someone’s recovery.

And darling, if you’re scratching, please stop. Get into a freezing cold shower, it will calm those poor legs, arms, face or any other body part down. Sit there for a while. I’m so sorry you’re in this alone. But you will stop, it will all stop. And if it doesn’t stop completely, it will calm. You’ve just got to wait. Be patient. But please open up, ask for help, reach out online, reach out in person. We are all here to listen to you, whatever you have to say. We want to help, and we will do anything we can to help. I’m so proud of you, you’re going to get through this, and you will take that plaster off and that wound will heal, as will you.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx