I used to think that a problem shared is a problem halved. But life, some very significant events, and a couple of very significant people have taught me a good old lesson on that front. It’s not.

When I tell people how I’m feeling, when I’m low… the act of telling them does not make me feel any better, and I, most of the time feel the guilt of burdening them with a problem when they most probably have their own.

It’s something that we all struggle with, let’s be honest: breaking down the initial barriers and letting someone else know that you have a problem, or not feeling yourself or maybe just aren’t coping as well as you thought. For some people, talking about their problems is easy. But for some, it can seem like our problems aren’t big enough or important enough to warrant telling someone about.

In terms of talking therapy, I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t going to half my problems. In all seriousness, the typical format of therapy sessions – a 50-minute session once a week – just isn’t ideal for the kind of person that I am. My brain doesn’t work fast enough to fully process conversation as it’s happening.  And even if the other person pauses to wait for me, I’m too distracted by the presence of the other person to engage in deep thought. I process all conversations later when I’m by myself. So this means that in therapy I ended up having lots of half-assed conversations, reacting to whatever the therapist was asking or saying without being able to really consider it or think about it until I was home. And then I would think of a way to say what I really meant. Except I couldn’t say it until a week later and by then I would have forgotten all about it and we would start the whole cycle all over again. Now, therapy does help a lot of people. We all know that.  But it didn’t get me where I needed to be at the time, maybe another time.

But you see sometimes it’s just not about making you feel better, sometimes its just about getting it out there. The problem with problems is that they don’t come one at a time. They generally appear in clusters and sometimes they even have puppies. There’s no quick fix or sunset affirmation that’s going to change things. The truth is that you have to trudge forward until you can make them change. Perhaps someone else can help, but chances are they can’t take away your troubles. You may find that brainstorming with another person or even a group will help you find new ideas to help you move forward. Not wanting to look bad in the eyes of a person you admire may keep you from sharing what’s on your mind. Yet, if someone loves you, he or she will help you deal with your dilemmas. Talking about it can help shed light on how to get through a problem. 

So if you desperately don’t want to share, don’t. But please think about it. Give your pain a voice, and let someone listen. Odds are, it won’t halve your problem, but picture this: you take a deep breath in, the deepest breath you ever took, it overwhelms you with how far down that air reaches. It hurts. Imagine not being able to let that breath out, chances are it will kill you. Breathing out doesn’t take away the fact that your insides were hurt, or continue to hurt, and you may think about it for quite a while, maybe forever. But it’s out now. Letting go or releasing that problem or information might just be an out breath, it’s not a problem halved and might feel like nothing, it might feel like everything and definitely won’t take away any of the pain, but if you kept it in, chances are it will kill you, maybe not right away, but believe me it will. Try breathing out, what’s the worst that could happen? You were no better off holding it in, little one.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx