I struggle with New Year, it’s a whole lot of pressure and bloody hard work. The absolute state of the whole “new year, new me” thing is such an accident waiting to happen, for our whole society. What is wrong with the you now, what’s wrong with the old you? Our whole world is feeding into an idea that tomorrow, we must all wake up, be different, be better. Well, fuck them. Don’t be, be the same. Be unapologetically you. Shock them. Let’s all start tomorrow the same as we start every single day… waking up.

Despite all of this, unfortunately/fortunately in years to come, we do collate memories into years, and we do look back on them as a whole.

I know that 2020 has shattered all of our hearts, into tiny pieces. Its been an absolute shit show. A total disaster. But I’ve tried to have a think about some alright stuff… and I’ve managed it… You see, 2020 will forever be the the year I flew the nest, properly. The year I walked 100km and raised £4,000 for a charity that saved my life. The year I persevered with writing. The year I took a big career leap of faith. And as every year, the year that I continued to feel the unrelenting love, support and protection from those around me. I truly don’t deserve it.

It will also always be the year Billy Bipolar finally formally introduced himself, after years of hiding. Sneaky bastard. We really are battling to find our feet together, it’s still a struggle, and I hate it. My world is constantly shattered and built back up again and I feel so alone sometimes. But I am so thankful for a health system that has helped and supported me in getting to know and tolerate him, free of charge, whilst battling a pandemic. What a lucky country we are.

If it’s not helpful for you, try not to overly reminisce, collate memories in the time periods that work for your heart. You do you. It’s been a tough one for everyone, but without sounding patronising.. even when it’s really dark and fucking painful, there will always, always be something to be thankful for, have a think, I promise you it will be there.

So, Happy New Year, I guess, whatever you want it to look like. Please remember that tomorrow is just another tomorrow. It always will be. It’s just another sunrise. I have seen a whole 30 minutes through writing this, irrespective of the date. So have you. Go us.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx