It’s here! Everyone on the Edge has been a project I’ve wanted to do for a long time. I am so overwhelmed with the response I have had and hope that this series will encourage more of you to open up. It’s an absolute honour to read and share your stories and help people recognise that truly, everyone really is on the Edge.

I would like to introduce you to my next guest, Jess. This story dropped into my inbox this week. I have never met Jess, and her story came without explanation or greeting. We have since spoken and I feel extremely proud to have received this. I found myself crying at this piece, it is so raw and she told me that it took a lot for her to open up. I really hope that this has given her some light relief, and know that so many people will be able to relate to it. Thank you Jess, your raw and vulnerable writing has reassured me that I am doing the right thing. The floor is yours…

It started when I was pregnant with my first baby. I was so sick, not just a little sick. So sick. Sick enough that I wanted an abortion to get rid of that sick feeling and feel like Jess again. Then before I knew it I had the quickest labour, I went into complete shock and I had a new born baby that just would not stop screaming. I wanted to die. Whole heartily , wanted to die. Being in the world was too much to handle. I was having intrusive and suicidal thoughts. Anxiety about anything and everything and deep deep depression. Nothing was how I thought or how I wanted it to be so I wanted it all to end.

I was so ashamed, my dad had committed suicide when I was 7 so I knew what everyone would think. It got to the point where I couldn’t hide anything, I told my mum I didn’t want my son and that I wanted to give him away. I didn’t care who that hurt in the mean time, I just wanted to be Jess again, someone that was lost so long ago. I got help from the doctor and I started to feel better , I was better. Until I got pregnant again, we went into lockdown and my mum got cancer. This is a story for people to get the violin out right?! Haha. So, this was now my new life.

Antidepressants and sleepless nights, but I was ok with that. After never having any Mental Health problems before having my son, it was a lot to take in but it was what it was. I then had my daughter and I didn’t think my MH got get worse. I didn’t wash for 3 weeks, I didn’t talk, I didn’t leave the house, I hated my daughter and wanted to give her up for adoption. I hated my husband and my mum, my friends I refused to see. I was bad. I only realise how bad I was now, looking back. I could of easily killed myself several times, but I didn’t, I’m so thankful I didn’t, but I’m not sure why I didn’t.

I’ve now been diagnosed with Bioplar, post natal depression, anxiety & psychosis. I’m on tablets and after 9 months of my daughter being on earth. I can truly say I’m happy, I’m content. I still have issues, maybe I will forever, but I’m content today, right now, and that’s what I have to be grateful for. My children are my absolute world. God, I look at them every day and am so so thankful I have them, so thankful they choose me to be their mummy. I’m so thankful I’m still in this world.

If you wish to contribute to Everyone on the Edge, please send your piece along with a picture to ellenontheedge@gmail.com