It’s here! Everyone on the Edge has been a project I’ve wanted to do for a long time. I am so overwhelmed with the response I have had and hope that this series will encourage more of you to open up. It’s an absolute honour to read and share your stories and help people recognise that truly, everyone really is on the Edge.

I would like to introduce my next guest. This person has chosen to remain anonymous. I was never going to push anyone to talk openly. This was never about putting people in the spotlight or forcing anything. I know how hard it is, how hard it can feel to put it out there and I am in absolute absolute awe, and so proud that they feel brave enough to have their vulnerable piece out there. This person was so nervous about sending this piece, and almost didn’t, so the fact they have is a huge thing. It’s a raw piece about the lasting effects of domestic abuse, and how much this can truly shatter your mental health. I know they don’t think it’s that, but I hope by wording it like that, gives them some relief, realisation and strength. I hope they can take pride in the fact that they have come out the other side. I like to think I was there for them through some of it, but as with reading other pieces, I never truly knew (none of us ever truly know) how damaging it was or is, and I feel and felt guilt and heartbreak reading it. Thank you for sharing your story, friend. I know it’s going to help so many people, and hopefully will touch them like it has me. You brave superstar, the floor is yours…

One experience in my life sticks out for me as a time where I was in such a bad place. Now I’m on the other side, I can look back and see how bad it was, and how much worse it could have been.

Rewind to meeting the person who I thought was the big love…the one we’re all waiting for, or we’re taught to wait for?

Little did I know, in the dream I thought I had found, I was about to completely lose myself and all strength I thought I had.

To say I fell hard would be an understatement. But I can’t even tell you some big love story of how it began…I can’t even tell you why or how I was hooked in.

The whole relationship was based on emotional abuse; control, manipulation, gaslighting, disrespect, silent treatment, cheating. Everything bad you could think of that you don’t want to happen in a relationship, happened. Even the physical; being held down, pushing, grabbing, hair pulling.

An emotional rollercoaster is the only way to describe it. A few days, maybe even a few weeks, of being on top of the world, so happy and so in love. I was made to believe all the feelings were reciprocated, they genuinely cared for me and we were going to have a good future together.

These highs were followed by the worst lows…every-single-time. A big row, vile words, and then the silent treatment, with absolutely no idea why. I was desperate every time, desperate to know what had happened, what I’d done which led to this happening again…with no answers. And then the cycle happened again. Always led to believe that the lows just meant we really loved each other…

Each time the cycle repeated itself, I lost a bit of myself and a bit of dignity every time. I was completely out of control of my own mood and my life. If they were happy, I was happy. If they weren’t – I wasn’t.

People might question why I didn’t just walk away. I genuinely felt like I couldn’t, I was stuck. I was helpless. A good friend of mine once came to visit me during one of these down times. Some months later I’d found out once she left, she broke down herself, terrified about the situation I’d found myself in and how helpless she also felt.

I remember one particular day, it all came crashing down again…I stood and I thought to myself, the only way I can solve this problem and get out of this relationship is if I’m no longer living. That thought genuinely crossed my mind. I was so helpless, out of control, besotted, I couldn’t picture my life without this person – no matter how anxious, down and miserable I was. I was lucky it was a brief thought but it was there and it was terrifying that another person can have that effect on me but, somehow, it wasn’t enough for me to end the relationship.

I always told myself one day I’d wake up and enough would be enough. The beginning of the end with another cheating claim, more screenshots, more denial and another “break up”.

I was never given any space or time to try and deal with my feelings, find my strength and move on. Looking back this was all part of the manipulation – how could I possibly find my strength while being ambushed with I love you’s and all the things you want to hear?! Blinded again, I went back within a week. But it had chipped away.

It would take another 12 weeks of shit before I would decide enough was enough. There was nothing unusual about the day. Just the same old shit, different day, but it was final straw. I was finally done.

I haven’t looked back since that day. It wasn’t easy, there were huge lows and moments where I questioned what I was doing. But I knew it was the best decision for me.

I started counselling nearly 15 months later, I just needed it, I couldn’t explain why but I realised when I was in the room, this toxic and abusive relationship was the main reason I was there. I was still struggling to deal with the trauma. I learnt about manipulation, narcissism, trauma bonds, the cycle of abuse. All of this helped me to find the peace I craved, I finally shut the door and moved on.

I am so grateful I came out the other side. I’m so glad that relationship never went to the next step – I genuinely don’t think I would’ve survived it.

Since that, I have met my person that I could only have wished for. He gives me so much love, confidence, trust, support, laughter and fun. Our relationship is full of good times. It is stable, happy, easy, and comfortable.

I am unapologetically myself with him. He respects me, he respects the person I am and he respects my boundaries.

All the times I thought I was the problem, he has provided the confirmation that I wasn’t. I am so lucky he is my person, and I love our life together.

If you wish to contribute to Everyone on the Edge, please send your piece along with a picture to ellenontheedge@gmail.com