FUCK. It’s been two years since I created Ellen on the Edge. I can’t believe it. It’s also been a couple of months since I have written. I have given other people the chance to speak and felt thankful for the break whilst also being a platform for some amazing voices. I started EOTE at a time where I felt I had nothing else, where I felt I had nothing left, but I did, I had so much. But in a warped way, I am glad I had this feeling for a short amount of time. (Even though it’s happened again and I know will happen again). I would never have found this though, this platform, this outlet and this chance for me to write.

I started the blog but not the social media presence 2 years ago – it was my diary. It was for me. On my birthday, on my 25th birthday, I decided it was time to open up. It was right for me.

So, I know I’m only 27, but I’ve been through quite a bit in the last 2 years. And I wanted to share what’s helped, what’s saved me. Some of these are shit, they are awful. But most are pretty mundane. Nevertheless, as always, I wanted to share. Hopefully it might help or resonate with you.

These are 15 things I’ve learnt:

No1. I have learnt to pick one thing. I did. And I’m telling you to pick something that will get you through, a person, an object, a TV programme, a book, swimming, walking, sleeping. It might just be one thing. Mine was a pillow. Debbie. I felt comfort that I had something to carry my head, that was always there and that didn’t talk. (I also got obsessed with GPs Behind Closed Doors – reckon I watched well over 100 episodes in 2 months. My mum would come home and watch it with me, I know she probably hated it, but she would just sit and watch. I think it gave me relief that other people were struggling with their health too). Don’t worry about what people tell you to do, don’t take advise if you don’t want it, but I promise there will be one thing, which might not give you pleasure, but might just help carry you.

2. I have learnt about how low life can truly get, I’m not going to sugar coat it. Life is fucking hard, it was hard, I was truly on the edge, and I knew I couldn’t do it anymore. It’s not that I wanted to die, I just didn’t want to live with it anymore. I felt consumed by my mind, it wouldn’t stop, I felt like I couldn’t control anything in my life. I was at the end. And I wanted it to stop. I know you’ve felt like that, and I know you understand. I hope that makes you feel less alone. You’re feelings are valid, and I fucking get it.

3. I have learnt about the burden and lasting effects on my family, I can’t begin to imagine the constant fear I have put in them. I don’t live with my parents anymore, but I know they worry. I know my mental health has had an effect on theirs, and I feel guilt for that.

4. Subsequently, I have learnt about how much the effects on your family can ultimately be positive and can mean that you all truly realise how much love matters, how much being open can bring you closer. About how their commitment and determination to learn about how to help you can burst your heart. They are all there, and whilst I feel guilt, I feel so grateful to belong to a family that loves me so much, it hurts them. I know your family are the same.

5. I have learnt about the loss of friendships, about the rekindling of friendships. About how how friendships will fizzle out, but some will always come back. About how some people won’t give up on you, no matter how far you push them away, no matter how poorly you get. Their are some that you will lose, but that’s okay, that really is okay, some people can’t cope with it. They can’t be what you need them to be, but sometimes that’s the right thing. I’ve lost friendships, but learnt about forgiveness, about moving on, about new friendships, about finding people that love you, and care for you, no matter what, and despite everything. I have come to peace with it all, you should too.

6. I have learnt to keep a light on at night. I used to love the dark, but I don’t anymore, I hate the darkness, in so many ways.

7. I’ve learnt about honesty and vulnerability, about how they are strengths. About how opening up could help one person, or loads of people. But most of all how it can help you. Don’t get me wrong though, it’s not essential, it’s not for everyone. Everyone should be open to being vulnerable, but being open is not obligatory. But so be honest and open with those you can. Don’t start a blog, but give talking a go.

8. I have learnt about how we need to keep talking about mental health. About how the conversation will never be too much. Let’s shout it from the roof tops, it is not attention seeking, mental health is attention needing. We will always help at least one person by speaking up, even if that one person is ourselves. Trust me on that one. I have spoken too much about Billy, I know that, it’s practically my introduction now, but it’s not me, and I am proud to talk about him now, because he is part of me. I have learnt about how no matter how much we talk about it, until something is done, until someone does something, until the government pull their finger out of their arse, we are not going to get as far as we need to get.

9. I have learnt to take time to do nothing. It’s so important, I don’t feel guilty anymore, I sat the other day and stared at the wall for 47 minutes.

10. I have learnt about work, or not working, or working as much as you want to, when you want to, or when you can. I know it’s clichè, but we have to “work to live, not live to work” – our retirement won’t be long, and we all have a long way to go until that, so why are we wasting time not doing something we want to do. Now I know this isn’t an option for everyone, by god at points, I have felt like it hasn’t been an option for me, but ultimately it is. After all, work is just that.. work.

11. On the topic of work, I have learnt that it is SO bloody important to take time out when you need to. I know some companies aren’t forgiving or understanding (this is a list of things I have learnt, not moans – note to self, remember that), but call in, take a day, take a few days. If you don’t, trust me when I say you will break.

12. I have learnt that people are always going through their own stuff, and that can be completely objective, what hurts one person, might not hurt another. I think in the past I have had a tendency to be selfish about that, I am happy to admit that, because I feel like going through the worst has brought out some of the best. I get it. And you should too. Some people can’t support you when you need them, and sometimes they will support you even though they are going through it themselves. On that point, never feel that you are a burden on someone when you share your struggle, even if they are struggling, trust me when I say, we appreciate it, not least, selfishly it takes our mind away from our own shit, but it also makes us feel useful. And we love you, don’t forget that.

13. I have learnt that being unwell costs money, it shouldn’t – but it does. Maybe tell those people that say you’re faking it, how much you pay in prescriptions, therapy, weighted blankets, self help books… whatever you are needing. It may give them a bit of perspective. Also I have learnt, that these people are arseholes.

14. I have learnt that your hand, your hand of cards is your hand, its the one you have been dealt. And unfortunately sometimes it’s a shit one, or a complicated one, but believe me when I say there will be a card in there that is worth something. Don’t give up on that.

15. And finally (well not finally, I have learnt way more than this, but these were the best ones I could come up with on a Saturday afternoon), but most importantly to me, I have learnt how writing, ultimately, is my thing. I met someone recently who said that everyone was born with something, with one thing, or even a series of things. They may never find it, they may learn it, or try to find it, but believe me when I say that if you want to, you will find your thing. I am so glad I found writing. And I am so glad, 2 years on, that I found Ellen on the Edge.

Thank you to those of you who continue (after 2 long years of me banging on) to support, read, share and champion me. You will never know how much it means.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx