Author: Ellen Thomas

•I’m Ellen. I’m 26. My favourite film is Mary Poppins and I live in a small town in the South of England. I work in the public sector and drive a car that is in persistent and constant need of a clean, as is my house, and probably any other space that I occupy. I love having really deep conversations and ask too many questions. I’m loud and outspoken. I really love being outside but often forget just how much I love it and stay indoors a lot. I feel things way to intensely and love until it hurts. And I am, at the moment, and always, on the edge.•

Adulting

Ellen Thomas1 Comment

Romantic comedies are one of my favourite types of movies, but I’ve started to realise how unrealistic their main characters are. They spend all this time falling in love, and of course, have spare time to exercise, cook ultra-healthy meals, work 50 hours a week for their big promotion, have budding social lives, travel…the list goes on and on.

IT’S A LIE.

I mean… the absolute worst thing that happens to people is quite literally aging.

I mean it is for some people. I am a part of that group. In my opinion, I think that adulting just quite literally sucks balls most of the time.

I know there are perks, and for a middle class, white woman I am extremely privileged. I have a roof over my head, a stable job and can afford to eat. I can do what I want, ultimately.

However, there’s just the issue of being an adult. And just because society has dubbed me the title of adult, does not mean I am being an adult.

We have to learn how to manage time and we all know that it is hard sometimes. We have to be able to go to work, do all our chores, socialize and still be able to get enough sleep, and it’s fucking harder than the rom coms suggest. At this point, I already accept procrastination as a friend that I have to follow until the end.

We have to do things by ourselves. We cannot, no matter how much we try, depend on our parents forever. We have to pay for everything, by ourselves. We have to learn how to cook, think about what to cook EVERY NIGHT, pay bills and clean the kitchen 59 times a day because quite literally making a piece of toast makes it look like a bomb has hit it.

I have been struggling so much with all of this lately, I have found it so overwhelming, all of a sudden. I just can’t keep up. About a month ago I went back to my parents for a night… I went home. I cried to my Mum and Dad about how hard I was finding adulting, about how I wish, I could go back, to not necessarily being a toddler or even a young child, but to being a young adult, a teenager. Being looked after and just being a bit more care free. It really devastated me, and for a night, I just wanted to be my parents child. 

Why is there just so much to do CONSTANTLY when you have to be independent?! It’s suffocating at times and the only thing you can do is move on, get used to it, and grab hold of the pleasures of being an adult. I know that in the end you just have to learn to do everything yourself and move on with your life. Life will never feel like easy leisure like it was when you were a kid, and it for sure will never feel like a rom com, but I suppose being an adult does mean that you can create your own little bubble, and decide what adulting looks like for you. And I have to just accept that it’s alright sometimes.

I guess what I am trying to say, is that I feel it’s okay to mourn being a teenager, being a child or just being young. Adulting is fucking hard mate. (I know that being a teenager at the moment involves way more pressure than it did when I was), but I still think it must be easier, right? And I guess thinking that is also ok?

I guess most of all, I just really wish I did not take watching Tracy Beaker every afternoon for granted.

Hang in there adult, we haven’t got this, but we haven’t got this, together.

Ellen on the Edge xx

 

She’s Back

Ellen Thomas1 Comment

ERM…. HELLO! 

Well blow me down, the website, social media pages or blog hasn’t been deleted.

So let’s just get it out of the way now shall we…. the elephant in the room; let’s get back to some writing…

I’ve been gone, I deserted EOTE without even realising it. It wasn’t intentional, and I think that’s the point. I always did and will continue to use EOTE for selfish reasons. I never did it for click bait/praise or for anyone else. It was always for me, and helped me dissect and work through thoughts. I have always found that writing things down is therapy for me. It’s a way of expressing myself and helps me in a way that nothing else does. The fact that people did and have resonated with it, is just a true bonus for me. I have had people comment that they haven’t seen any posts from me in a long time, and I haven’t been able to put my finger on it. Or work out why the absolute need to write hasn’t been there.

Truth be told, I wrote a lot when I wasn’t okay. I wrote in despair, in anger, in loneliness. But I love writing, I haven’t been prioritising it and I think it’s a good time for me to try and start again. I think I need it. Whilst everything is pretty good in my life at the moment, I probably could do with having a bit of therapy again, and I know that EOTE is that for me. A lot has happened in the last 14 months, a LOT of change. (I recovered from being hit by a car, which was the last post). I don’t usually manage change that well, but I feel like I have done my best. Whilst I won’t bore you with the details of the last 14 months in this post (it’s mostly been good), I am prepared to start sharing again. And hopefully this time, it’s not from a place of despair, or loneliness… it’s from a place of passion. It’s from a place of writing with purpose, and from a place of sharing when I am and am not on the edge, as it always has been.

Life has been so hard for so many people recently, and has been for a lot of people in my life, and I am feeling it too, so maybe EOTE will be a nice thing to see? Who knows.

So, that’s it from me at the moment, this was me explaining… not just to you, but too myself why I have been away, why I haven’t been investing time in doing something I truly love.

I started furiously typing this randomly, I wrote it in one sitting, in 10 minutes, with no editing, I wrote it straight from my head. I know that’s the right time to bring it back.

(And as the catchphrase and end of the blog has and will always end…) Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx