Category: depression

She’s Back

Ellen Thomas1 Comment

ERM…. HELLO! 

Well blow me down, the website, social media pages or blog hasn’t been deleted.

So let’s just get it out of the way now shall we…. the elephant in the room; let’s get back to some writing…

I’ve been gone, I deserted EOTE without even realising it. It wasn’t intentional, and I think that’s the point. I always did and will continue to use EOTE for selfish reasons. I never did it for click bait/praise or for anyone else. It was always for me, and helped me dissect and work through thoughts. I have always found that writing things down is therapy for me. It’s a way of expressing myself and helps me in a way that nothing else does. The fact that people did and have resonated with it, is just a true bonus for me. I have had people comment that they haven’t seen any posts from me in a long time, and I haven’t been able to put my finger on it. Or work out why the absolute need to write hasn’t been there.

Truth be told, I wrote a lot when I wasn’t okay. I wrote in despair, in anger, in loneliness. But I love writing, I haven’t been prioritising it and I think it’s a good time for me to try and start again. I think I need it. Whilst everything is pretty good in my life at the moment, I probably could do with having a bit of therapy again, and I know that EOTE is that for me. A lot has happened in the last 14 months, a LOT of change. (I recovered from being hit by a car, which was the last post). I don’t usually manage change that well, but I feel like I have done my best. Whilst I won’t bore you with the details of the last 14 months in this post (it’s mostly been good), I am prepared to start sharing again. And hopefully this time, it’s not from a place of despair, or loneliness… it’s from a place of passion. It’s from a place of writing with purpose, and from a place of sharing when I am and am not on the edge, as it always has been.

Life has been so hard for so many people recently, and has been for a lot of people in my life, and I am feeling it too, so maybe EOTE will be a nice thing to see? Who knows.

So, that’s it from me at the moment, this was me explaining… not just to you, but too myself why I have been away, why I haven’t been investing time in doing something I truly love.

I started furiously typing this randomly, I wrote it in one sitting, in 10 minutes, with no editing, I wrote it straight from my head. I know that’s the right time to bring it back.

(And as the catchphrase and end of the blog has and will always end…) Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx

 

 

I get knocked down…

Ellen ThomasLeave a comment

I tried to get back up again. (with the help of paramedics, gas and air, a CT scan, 4 days inpatient treatment for a liver injury and torn muscles, morphine, codeine, naproxen, a massage mat, GPs, a month off work, cheese and coleslaw sandwiches, Ribena, my mum and dad, my partner, my friends, a back brace, my boss, reduced hours, a pillow, non-alcoholic beer, alcoholic beer, Heartstopper… I mean I could go on, I’ve missed a lot of things).

So… I got run over just over 10 weeks ago. Initially my mental health was completely unaffected, I mean, physically I was completely broken. But with the help of the above, I was able to begin to piece myself back together. A couple of weeks in, however, the realisation that pain is going to stick with me for a while, started to get to me. I felt like I had made no progress despite being able to now walk up the stairs, get to the toilet in less than 15 minutes and make myself a cuppa. I had been staying with my parents, who were unbelievable and I was treated like the qween I am for a little while.

I had to come home eventually though, back to adulting. The reality that I was going to be in pain for the foreseeable and started to grow, just then. I know that worldwide, people go about their days in pain all the bloody time, but I instantly felt hard done by.

Now I know that at some time in our lives we will all experience pain—physical and/or emotional discomfort caused by illness, injury, or an upsetting event. And I know that worldwide, people again, go about their days in pain all the bloody time. Though most of us would rather avoid it, pain, apparently does serve an actual purpose that is good and seen as “protective.” For example, when you experience pain your brain signals you to stop doing whatever is causing the pain, preventing further harm to your body.

Pain, however, is not meant to last for a long time.

I had started to get a bit angry at the fact that someone had caused me pain and seemingly didn’t have to suffer the consequences. Billy, just then, thought that it might be a good idea to poke his head up, let me know that life wasn’t fair, and that I should feel mostly shit about that. Thanks babes.

I had to come to terms with the fact that crossing roads will make me feel a bit uneasy and that crossing the road before the green man appears (even if its dead) is a massive no-go.

It’s got easier though, and I’m alright now. But I think that has had a massive impact on the last couple of months, and the reason I have been a bit absent from Ellen on the Edge. I needed to heal.

That’s okay though… sometimes you need a break… sometimes you need to get knocked down, but you will always get back up again. If you’ve been knocked down lately… sing that song for me, sing it loud!

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx