Category: depression

The Weight of Tiredness

Ellen Thomas1 Comment

The exhaustion I have felt recently has been like nothing I have ever experienced. My head is foggy; my thoughts never seem to quite finish themselves. Searching for an answer to a question, or trying to remember how to do something I do on the daily, like making a cup of tea, can at times, feel like mentally wading through treacle. My eyes sting and keep trying to close. I seem to have a consistent piercing headache. Every single one of my muscles aches, including muscles I didn’t even know I had. Each of my limbs feels as though my bloodstream has been replaced with lead. Everything hurts. Standing, sitting, lying down… all of it feels too hard. It all feels like my body needs more support. Sound, light, smells, tastes and things we touch can all feel too much – almost, at times, as though they’re attacking me. The world just feels a bit fuzzy or furry, particularly around the edges.

Despite all of this, I will keep trying to do all of the things I feel are expected of me. Not by anyone externally, as I know I have support, but mostly expectation of myself. I have been getting frustrated with myself for not being able to do things to the same standard as I’d be able to achieve if I didn’t feel exhausted. This frustration then fuels my day, and leads to yet another broken nights sleep. I have still been able to work and am still determined to live my life normally. But everything has been a bit of a struggle.

Sleeping in general has been a little frustrating lately. When I try to go to sleep my mind begins to race. It doesn’t seem to end when I’m asleep, either. My dreams can be full of anxiety, taking twists and turns that we don’t want to watch or experience. And I have found that I wake up regularly during the night, sweating, shaking and feeling breathless. When morning finally comes around I often feel as though I haven’t slept at all. It’s exhausting.

Now I know that this is a major side effect of my mental health problem and that symptoms are persistent and pervade all aspects of an individual’s’ life. This is knowledge I have, knowledge I have gained and I have a full awareness of every side effect I think I could ever have, yet it still bothers me – to the extent of making me god damn miserable.

I do know that parts of my sleep routine have changed massively in the past couple of years, and that I am now affected, at night by things I never was. A year ago, I would stress if there was even a speck of light in my room, if a TV light was on, or I could see a streetlight through the top of my curtains, I would be up, turning it off, masking it or covering it up. I grew an inability to be able to sleep in this atmosphere mid way through last year however, and have not been able to sleep without a light on ever since.

Now I have invested in a lot of gadgets, gismos and natural remedies in the past year, anything that states it may calm, clear my head or help me get to sleep has had my attention. My night light is my top. However, I had been seeing weighted blankets pop up in my social feeds for ages, boasting “the best nights sleep” and was extremely intrigued at the concept. Like most things, I had undertaken a lot of research into the benefits of this “heavy blanket”, so when Remy Sleep got in contact with me and I was able to get my hands on one, I was extremely excited. Maybe I would FINALLY be able to get some proper rest. Please let this work!

Now, let me tell you, it is bloody heavy, mine weighs 8kg but there are 3 different weighted blankets depending on your weight (Remy have also just launched a junior weighed blanket for children!). Unboxing it was a mission.

Before I let you know how I got on with mine, let me tell you a bit about the whole thing. Weighted blankets are exactly what they sound like… really heavy blankets. They are apparently said to have many benefits, including increased serotonin, decreased anxiety, and reduced restlessness. Weighted blankets work along the same theory as baby swaddling. The blanket simulates a warm, comforting hug, which in theory helps calm the nervous system. The weight can also mimic deep-pressure touch, which supposedly can aid in pain relief. The equal distribution of weight provides a gentle downforce on the body, which may deter pain-flaring movements in sleep. The theory is that the deep pressure you feel from being under all of that weight has a calming effect. Anything that’s gonna swaddle my like a baby, and calm me down a bit, is something I have got a bit of time for, you get me?

I was a bit pessimistic, worrying I would get too hot, or that the weight would kill me (dramatic), but when I slipped under the blanket, I felt like I was wrapped in a cocoon, as if the blanket were hugging me. Although it was possible for me to shift onto my side, the blanket was definitely more snug than my regular duvet, and I felt like it encouraged my body to stay still. Normally, I’m pretty restless in bed, and the act of moving around makes my mind wander. But, because I couldn’t physically move as much, I noticed that my thoughts weren’t racing as much either. I was able to just focus on the present, and that made it easier to fall asleep. I didn’t wake up once in the middle of the night, which is very rare for me and after 7 hours of solid sleep, I felt so refreshed that I genuinely felt like a new woman.

A week or so on, I am still waking up in the middle of the night, but I fall back asleep faster and more easily. I don’t know whether the blanket provides all those benefits or if I’m sleeping better by coincidence or placebo effect. For now, I will continue to use the blanket because the results so far have been promising, at least for me. I am just relieved that I am finally getting some sleep. Everything isn’t hurting. Standing, sitting, lying down… all of it feels a little easier. Sound, light, smells, tastes and things I can touch are suddenly feeling less overbearing I am not feeling attacked. And it’s almost like… The world just feels a bit less fuzzy or furry.

If you are going to try a weighted a blanket, keep in mind that they can get pricey. But if stress, mental health struggles, a mile-long to-do list and funneling caffeine to get through the day is the battle you’re fighting, if the weight of tiredness is getting to you, a weighted blanket may just help you put those sleepless nights behind you.

If you are struggling to sleep at the moment, I am sorry, its bloody awful, but do give yourself a chance, possibly consider just riding it for a little while and maybe invest in something, doesn’t have to be a blanket, but something. Do your research! It might just be your golden ticket to the Land of Nod!

Sweet dreams, when they come darling.

And of course, Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx

** With special thanks to Remy Sleep. They are currently offering a further 10% discount on all orders from their website when you enter the code: ‘ELLENONTHEEDGE10’ at the check out. You can shop their Weighted Blanket Selection here: REMY SLEEP **

Welcome, Billy.

Ellen Thomas2 Comments

So, I’m back, I mean, I haven’t really gone anywhere but… I guess, I’ve not really known what to do with myself the last couple of weeks, I have felt a bit dissociated and haven’t been able to write. I have thought quite long and hard about whether to write this, but I fear that if I don’t get it out there, I may not be able to carry on writing. And even more importantly, why the hell shouldn’t I get it out there, some of you need to hear this… so… *takes a deep breath* here goes. Let’s talk about Billy.

Billy has been with me for like… forever. I think he has been around since I was a young child, he kind of quietly sat there, not really making himself known to me, but has always made sure that I have felt things really bloody strongly. I have always been an extremely emotional, expressive and passionate person, and in some ways, I guess I should probably thank Billy for that. He has made sure that I have been through a lot in my short time on earth though, he has made me keep secrets and at times, made sure I am really scared and confused. Billy has made sure I have had bad days, or quite a few bad days, and I now know that he will ensure I will have a LOT of bad days in my future.

Billy has now, made himself known. He isn’t going to go away and he isn’t some phase that I am going to go through. You see, Billy is in my mind, he is sort of a disease I guess. A bit like Diane (Diabetes) is a disease and she affects you physically. Billy affects my brain and is going to continue to be very unpredictable. Fab, ey?

So… Billy Bipolar. Welcome. You fucking asshole. You have made a lot of stuff make sense, but I am unsure of how our relationship is going to pan out. I feel all of the things about you. I guess a sort of relief, a sort of anger, but I know I need to get to know you a lot better, and I definitely need to begin to teach others about your pesky ways. I am attempting to not panic that you are there and I know we have a lot of work to do to ensure that we work together as best as we can. I know we are about to enter a battle, an argument, an absolute relationship test, one that’s going to last forever. Sometimes I know you’re going to make me sleep, sleep for days. Other days, I understand you’re going to make me feel like the best person in the world, like I am untouchable.

There are millions of people who have to accommodate you, Billy. It seems every single day that a celebrity is coming forward, saying how they have struggled with your presence, but have let us all know that you are not all of them, you’re there, but they can still achieve greatness. I think, a couple of weeks ago, I was initially very concerned about your bold presence, about the fact you had made yourself known, and you were never going to go anywhere. You are clearly stubborn, but maybe that’s why you’re such a good match for me. And I hope I can still achieve greatness.

So, for those of you who have heard about Billy in passing, read about someone having him in their life but not really got it (absolute hands up, me too). Let me try and break it down for you, and for me. Let’s try and understand it, as briefly as we can, together.

Bipolar, (lets use Billy’s second name, I know he likes to think he is important), I’d heard of it but wasn’t familiar with it. Bipolar is a mental illness, its thought to be caused by an imbalance in the way brain cells communicate with each other. This imbalance causes extreme mood swings that go way beyond the normal “ups and downs” of everyday life, wildly exaggerating the mood changes that everyone has. People with bipolar can have long or short periods of stability, but tend to then encounter a “low” (deep depression) or a “high” (usually mania or psychosis). Bipolar can also throw people into a “mixed state” whereby symptoms of depression and mania occur at the same time. Fun.

I hear you though… “Everyone is moody! Doesn’t everyone have a form of bipolar disorder?” But listen, unlike bipolar mood swings, moodiness has a trigger that makes sense. And it is in context—a bad day at work, a fight with a boyfriend, moving, or something really sad and sudden such as getting fired, or the death of a loved one. Moodiness can even be the result of a person’s personality. Unlike simple mood swings, each extreme episode of bipolar disorder can last for several weeks (or even longer). Bipolar disorder mood swings, are very different to mood swings. They are often inappropriate or unreasonable responses to triggers, or they may lack any connection to a specific trigger. Bipolar mood swings, moreover, have nothing to do with someone’s personality. The mood swings can get dangerously low, or be unreasonably high or manic. They can show in other ways, as in spending sprees, for example. (Mate the amount of times I have had weeks of several amazon parcels a day being delivered). But they are always episodic with a distinct beginning and end.

Now, whilst people with bipolar tend to swing between depression and mania, there is no “typical” pattern of symptoms. Every person who accommodates Billy, accommodates him differently, and the length of time someone spends at either extreme of mood (high or low) can really vary – it can be days, weeks or months. There can be periods stable or “normal” mood in between episodes, but some can swing from periods of mania to depression quite quickly without a period of stability in the middle. You tired yet?

I will stop boring you now but I think my worst fear, and the reason for this all, I guess, is that when Billy was passed to me officially (when I was diagnosed by my psychiatrist – doesn’t that just sound shit?!), was the fear of ignorance and stigma I may begin to face. It is a big word, but it is just a word isn’t it (hence Billy). It is completely true that I did not and do not have to disclose a health condition that I have to anyone, however… why shouldn’t I. Billy is a part of me, Billy may affect me, affect my behaviour, my emotions or the way I can cope with things, he may cause me to need a bit of time. So people should know. I am continuing to attempt to accept myself living with Billy, and have a long way to go before I am going to be able to not define myself by him. But I hope writing this is the start of it, the start of me living alongside Billy, but not letting him take over.

Despite all of this, despite all the struggles having Billy is going to present me with, I hope there will be moments where I shine, where Billy helps me shine. And in time, when I am more self-aware, my bad days, I am sure, will only amplify the good. I endeavour to learn to appreciate those moments even more because I will fight to get there. I won’t have all the answers all the time, but in time, I hope I will learn what works for me and what doesn’t. It will be a struggle, but if I wasn’t a fighter, I wouldn’t be here now.

So here it is, I know now, you know now. Please ask questions, I’m asking them too, please be inquisitive, I am too. Please talk to me if you accommodate Billy, or know someone who does. It kind of makes me feel less lonely. I am trying to learn about all of this, I feel like it’s the way I’m going to get through it at the moment. Please do, join me, welcome Billy. But more than anything, know I am still Ellen, I always have been. It’s just going to take me a bit of time to get used to this.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx