Category: depression

New Year, Same You

Ellen Thomas1 Comment

I struggle with New Year, it’s a whole lot of pressure and bloody hard work. The absolute state of the whole “new year, new me” thing is such an accident waiting to happen, for our whole society. What is wrong with the you now, what’s wrong with the old you? Our whole world is feeding into an idea that tomorrow, we must all wake up, be different, be better. Well, fuck them. Don’t be, be the same. Be unapologetically you. Shock them. Let’s all start tomorrow the same as we start every single day… waking up.

Despite all of this, unfortunately/fortunately in years to come, we do collate memories into years, and we do look back on them as a whole.

I know that 2020 has shattered all of our hearts, into tiny pieces. Its been an absolute shit show. A total disaster. But I’ve tried to have a think about some alright stuff… and I’ve managed it… You see, 2020 will forever be the the year I flew the nest, properly. The year I walked 100km and raised £4,000 for a charity that saved my life. The year I persevered with writing. The year I took a big career leap of faith. And as every year, the year that I continued to feel the unrelenting love, support and protection from those around me. I truly don’t deserve it.

It will also always be the year Billy Bipolar finally formally introduced himself, after years of hiding. Sneaky bastard. We really are battling to find our feet together, it’s still a struggle, and I hate it. My world is constantly shattered and built back up again and I feel so alone sometimes. But I am so thankful for a health system that has helped and supported me in getting to know and tolerate him, free of charge, whilst battling a pandemic. What a lucky country we are.

If it’s not helpful for you, try not to overly reminisce, collate memories in the time periods that work for your heart. You do you. It’s been a tough one for everyone, but without sounding patronising.. even when it’s really dark and fucking painful, there will always, always be something to be thankful for, have a think, I promise you it will be there.

So, Happy New Year, I guess, whatever you want it to look like. Please remember that tomorrow is just another tomorrow. It always will be. It’s just another sunrise. I have seen a whole 30 minutes through writing this, irrespective of the date. So have you. Go us.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx

Loony Pills

Ellen Thomas1 Comment

I’ve kept every single package from every medication I have taken in the past 17 months, packets of pill filled wonder that help me get through the day (and night) – 77 packets to be exact (just counted them as they fell out of my hand taking this picture, literal shower of loony pill packs… great metaphor there).

I don’t know why I have kept these, I remember telling my mum about it after a few months of taking them and saying that I was going to compile a post about it when I came off them and write about how proud I was. But truth be told, I don’t know if I will ever be “off” them, and I don’t think I will ever feel a sense of pride if I do. You see, these medications have helped, they’ve helped calm me, stabilise me and have enabled me to get through every single day, I’m still here after all. And whilst it’s not all down to a few tablets, at all. It has helped.

Now this isn’t to belittle your celebration if you have come off your tablets, and if you’re proud of it, you do you. You’re in a better place. But I’m talking for those of us who have not only situational mental health problems, but those of us who have illnesses that need to be treated. Take your bow, Billy, it’s all your getting.

Let me put this too you. If someone was taking blood pressure medication or indeed insulin, and they came off it one day “because they felt better” what on EARTH would we say, let me tell you: “YOU MORON”. You see, the reason people get to a place of stability and consider coming off anti-depressants/mood stabilisers/Valium (anything!), is because they are feeling better, they may sometimes even get encouragement to come off them. But I struggle to see why this is celebrated so much when it’s LITERALLY THE THING THAT MADE THEM FEEL BETTER IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I am never shocked when people tell me “oh I’m on that too”, some people struggle with opening up about it, they feel ashamed that they may need a medication to just lift them a little or to help them get through the day, trust me when I say… I honestly don’t give a shit. And that’s whether you take them, or I take them. Would we EVER dream of judging someone for taking a bloody paracetamol for their headache?! It literally helps ease the pain.

Sometimes I do wonder whether medication (in any form) has a placebo effect. But even if it does, what’s the harm. For thousands of years (before unreal medication was introduced) people have literally been dying because they have an illness that people can’t see and so can’t treat.

Let’s celebrate our anti-depressants, mood stabilisers, anti-psychotics, sleeping tablets, Valium, anxiety reducing drugs. Let’s cheer for a world in which we are able to access or watch people access drugs that are literally going to save them. Let’s fucking shout about it.

I’m on loony pills, and I am proud of that. Let’s celebrate that we are loony’s – it’s what makes us, us. And I am sure, no one would want us to be anything else. We are all loved, I promise you that, and at the end of the day, it ain’t loony at all, it’s just a tablet.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx