Category: #family

09/06/2021

Ellen Thomas1 Comment

I wrote this in the early hours of the 10th June 2021. My heart was broken and I needed to express that something needs to change.

Ellen on the Edge is not enough. It’s always been a selfish project, one that turned out to resonated with people. I have been kidding myself that it has actually started to make a difference though, and have even manifested this dream that it’s going to turn into something. That it will help people. It kind of turned into something that has made me feel like I’m actually making a difference. I’m not though. Ellen on the Edge is just not enough for some people.

I never thought I was a cure, I have never thought that I was saving people, but it was always a hope. A hope that if people knew I had been there, if I wrote everything down, if I poured it all out, the people who read it would think twice. Or contact me, or reach out.

But the thing is… some people do all of that. They read, they reach out, they contact us. They read, they reach out. They reach out, they reach out, they fucking reach out. But yet here I am. Sat writing this.

It’s not enough anymore, none of it is.

The problem is fucking bigger. My heart is broken and if someone doesn’t stand up there, in the Houses of Parliament and shout about it.

I will.

You see, my friend did fucking reach out. He did. Time and time again. And I will tell you this… he didn’t take his own life. He didn’t. His life was taken by a system, a healthcare system, and a government that are refusing to listen. That are letting this happen.

Why are we all saying it’s ok not to be okay, and posting stupid fucking quotes all over social media when there are people that really aren’t fucking okay. When there are people literally being killed by their illness, being directed to a fucking crisis phone number that is open 10am – 4pm on Weekdays, except Tuesday and Fridays, and every other Wednesday, and isn’t fully operative on Mondays due to short staff, and the direct voicemail all day on a Thursday asks you to call back for a telephone appointment the following Monday, at which point you will be given another telephone number to book a telephone consultation with a mental health advisors secretary in 6 weeks time. Why are we directing people to A&E, or to the emergency services, when they are unable to support people appropriately. “We haven’t got the resources”, “we haven’t got the beds”, “we need to refer you to the outreach team”, “this is not the right place for you to be”, “speak to your GP, they can offer you support”, “there is nothing we can do for you this evening” – and that last one, that’s the thing isn’t it. There is nothing we can do… not unless we do MORE.

Why are we, as a nation, putting plasters on people that need a life support machine.

Why are we voting for any government, a government that are standing by and allowing people with life threatening but preventable illnesses, to die.

They need to listen to us, the powers that be. the people in the government, listen to me and us when we say that your lack of direction and decisions in relation to the mental health crisis in this country is ruining, shattering and killing families and it’s are breaking hearts. Why are you only giving pennies of public money to mental health services. Why are you relying on helpless people to watch their friends or family go through these illnesses alone. This is and always has been a fucking pandemic. Problem here, is that it’s not easy enough, there is no vaccine for this, is there? There is no scientific variable that is going to cure this.

So I’m saying this in honour of my friend. In honour of yet another friend who has felt that there only option was to end it. All because, we live in a society now, that can perform laser surgery on someone’s eyes, because god forbid, they have to wear a pair of glasses. A society that can remove unwanted fat from someone’s thigh and place it in their tits. A society that is curing some cancers and making ways in finding cures for terminal illnesses. A society that can accommodate the worlds leading healthcare system and provide us with the most amazing healthcare, but can’t help someone when they are screaming out for it. He wasn’t asking for laser eye surgery, he was asking for someone to listen. He made that tragic and irreversible decision because he lived in a society that wouldn’t fucking help him.

I don’t want him to be another statistic, for this to go unnoticed. Do you know what’s part of headline news on the BBC news website tonight? “Can I watch Euro 2021 at a pub?”. My friend has lost his life today, his life was taken; and this is what is being pushed in our faces. This is what we need to know about, apparently. I’ve had enough. It’s not enough to be a ‘voice of the mental health community’ anymore. Ellen on the Edge is not enough. None of it matters anymore. You’ve, yet again, made this my problem, by taking one more person away, you’ve consistently made this all of our problems by taking people away every single second of every single day.

Please feel free to forward this on to Boris Johnson, please forward it to to whoever you wish. To everyone. I will stand up and say this… out loud, in person, online or via satellite, over and over and over again, until someone does something. Until someone listens. Something needs to change.

And to you, darling boy, I am so truly sorry I couldn’t do more. X

What’s love got to do with it?

Ellen ThomasLeave a comment

It’s bloody Valentines Day. Joy. You know what, I actually like the sentiment and that you can celebrate the day by acknowledging your love for someone, however in my opinion there shouldn’t have to be a named day for that. I hear you though, and I promise I am not bitter. I am single, so I am immediately inclined to hate Valentines. I don’t. I get it. And have celebrated it with partners before, it just so happens that for the last few, I have been single. I am a big advocate for the whole “trying not to dwell on it too much”, because to be truthful, I honestly believe that if you would like a partner, if you really do want a relationship, you can find someone rather quickly. Not saying it’s right or who you need. But you’ll find one. Settling is the new happily ever after. But it’s not for me.

I mean, I went to university… we all know the story. One of the most fun things about having a wild early twenties is telling stories from my wild early twenties, I am very aware that I am now only just hitting mid twenties, and so only just at an age where I am socially allowed to have a period of reflection. However, people like hearing the stories, people who have never experienced spending the majority of any given week drunk, living from a diet solely of pasta, and using sex as an ice-breaker. They enjoy vicariously living your lifestyle through an insulating layer of nostalgia and gallows humour. Yet this enjoyment, this entertainment that is gained from hearing these stories always seems to precede a question like; “So… Why haven’t you got a boyfriend, Ellen?”

I mean, in the nicest way possible… Get fucked mate. How the hell is anyone meant to answer that question?

I wouldn’t say that it is a choice of mine to be single. I mean… I’m not actively dating, or desperately searching for someone, but part of that is due to the fact that right now, it’s taking most of my willpower, attention and strength to entertain getting through the day calmly. And so entertaining the permanency or temporary permanency of someone who doesn’t quite understand that I am not really that well, is a “nah I will pass on that one” type vibe. I think I’ve entertained an independent space for quite a long time, my personality doesn’t appear to lend its self to anyone who wishes to stick around long enough for me to actually have anything that really resembles a full blown long-term romance.

I of course, have had boyfriends, but bar a couple, they have all been absolute bellends. So I don’t think I really have too much valuable experience to be able to comment on the whole “being in a relationship is so great for your mental health” thing. My parents have been together for 28 years. They occupy a relationship that is stable and commitment filled, they laugh together and have unrelenting amounts of respect and care for each other. They have never been overtly romantic but my sister and I have always known that they love each other. That is just the way it is, and unfortunately for me, I think I strive for exactly this, in a world that is consistent in throwing any old heartbreaking and time-wasting shit into my life.

This isn’t a pity party by the way, so if you have purchased presents, do get a refund.

Now listen, because bouts of Billy can severely affect my ability to get up in the morning and live my life as normally as practically possible, it can make dating — something that literally requires me to function pretty well — a little bit of a challenge to deal with, on even the best of days. Dating also of course, means allowing yourself to be vulnerable, to risk disappointment and rejection. Dating when you’re struggling carries the added burden of figuring out when and how much to reveal about yourself to the person you’re dating. To tell or not to tell. Dating is already very much an emotional minefield on a good day. None of us are exempt from that rush of nerves and excitement, elation and rejection, from the moment you swipe right or catch each other’s eye, to the agonising wait for that post-date text. And I guess sort of weirdly, I used to and probably still would get a massive buzz out of it. But when you’re affected by a mental health problem, those highs and lows can be all the more intense. And intense is an emotion I am desperately trying to avoid.

So… can you see why I may be trying to avoid it right now, and why the whole being on my own thing is working out quite well? I do believe that things happen for a reason and that I will find someone or not find someone when the time is right, I am meant to be on my own for however long I’m meant to be on my own for. But I do desperately wish that people would understand more, and that the whole “I miss being single” or “You’ll find someone” phrases would be extinguished. I don’t need pity, mate. Whilst it isn’t my choice, its also not really too much of a big deal. I do really want to be a Mum and believe that one of my life purposes is to have children. Unfortunately for me, that’s not quite going to happen until I do find love, but until that time, what’s the rush I guess? When it happens, it will happen, but I have plenty of other things to occupy my time. I am on route to spend my weekend with the platonic loves of my life and am feeling extremely satisfied and excited about that. Happy Love Day, to all of you, love however you want today, because to be honest… what has romantic love got to do with it, you get me?

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx