Category: love

The Message

Ellen ThomasLeave a comment

So on the evening of 14th February 2022, I was reading my book, happy in bed. I was not too bothered about Valentines Day, I was and am happy by myself, but know that sometimes, I need a bit of love. I give myself enough. But we could all do with a bit more, always. it’s not self-indulgent, its reaching out, its being attention needing. I tried this thing, I tried this thing that I want to look back on when I am having a bad Billy day, I wanted to write it down, I wanted to have a record of it.

I text/contacted the people I love the most asking them a question, it was to the people I care about and the ones I know would be there for me if I needed them at 3am. I have anonymised them, but want you to see the responses, and more than anything, I want you all to know that if you reach out just once, I promise you, the people you love, will give you more in one comment, than you ever knew you needed in a lifetime.

People replied quick, people replied within 24 hours. So I think that says it all. Thank you for replying to ‘The Message’ – I love you all, thank you for always being there, and for loving me, no matter what.

The Message: “Please know that I love and appreciate you. Always. I am sending this to you, not as a broadcast, but because it’s a message I want you to hear. I hope this isn’t self indulgent, but wanted to encourage people to reach out, maybe do this. So that we can all realise, when life is a little dark, that there are always stars and at the very least, we can pull on one thing. Maybe something that we didn’t realise. I am writing a blog post, and wondered if you would share with me, one thing that you love about me.xxx”

Here were the responses:

‘I love your passion to help and reach out to others, even when you’re not feeling great yourself. X’

‘I think I’d say your courage. You willingness to be open and honest and vulnerable with all of the things that you go through and the courage that takes to talk about it, in the hope that you can help someone else. I guess that also counts as your generosity, which knows no bounds honestly. But I adore and admire your courage to talk about the hard stuff, not shy away from it & be the example that a lot of people struggling really need.’

‘Genuinely though, one thing that stands out about you compared to every other person I know, and have known, is how genuinely caring and compassionate you are, like there’s not a single thing I don’t think I could not talk to you about’

‘Mostly I absolutely adore your amazing personality and beautiful soul. You have always been there for me even though we don’t talk often.’

‘You’re unapologetically YOU, you understand…nothing I say to you or speak to you about is ever too much or too far… and that cackle laugh’

‘I love you helping out making freezer space by stealing our freezer meals’

‘I love how understanding, kind and equally brutally honest you are. You are 10/10 bants and always show me max support’

‘I guess the thing I’ve always admired you for is how unapologetically yourself you are.’

‘one thing that always amazes me about you is your overwhelming positivity and how you always try to cheer people up. You’re always there for people who need a chat and have a grounded, reasonable conversation. Even though you have your own struggles you always put yourself out there to help others even if its something small like just making them a brew. It’s those little things that cheer people up and you’re an amazing friend, your personality is infectious and I know that if I ever needed someone to talk too, you would be there’

‘I love how open, honest, and unapologetically yourself you are. Those are the things that drew me to you in the very beginning.’

‘How it can have been like 2 months but you will start a conversation with me by saying “Also..”’

‘I love your unquenchable desire to live life to the full trying new experiences which inspire us all to try something new and find pleasure and joy in doing it’

‘I love that you are so very deep and that you see the depth in others…even fleeting people you will never see again!’

‘I’ve tried several times to phrase what I love about you. Each time I come back to YOU, you are you and I’ve known you since you were small and love as if you’re one of my own. I will always love YOU and be by YOU whenever needed’

‘You’re a fighter. You don’t let the bastards get you down. You face shit time after time and you just keep going. You find it tough for sure. I’m sure it takes every ounce of your being to keep going. And I’m also sure there’s days you just don’t fancy going anymore. But you do. I’ve said it a few times but you are an inspiration. Do I worry about you, absolutely. Do I wish I could do more to help, yes. But you’ve got this. In your own unique way you are battling your way through the shit that is life and you’re bringing people up as you do it. That’s what I love about you. You’re selfless. Also your laugh. That cackle is engrained into my ears.’

‘Gosh. Your vibrant sense of humour that has made me laugh so much on countless occasions.’

‘The way you are so good at making people feel better when they need it!’

‘I love you for creating Ellen on the Edge, you have no idea.’

‘One that always sticks out to me from either being the recipient or just being in your company is your ability to make anyone feel welcome. It’s actually a skill that doesn’t come easy to some people. From the very first FaceTime/virtual house tour you made me feel welcome to when my parents and friends visit I can always count on you to see if they want a cuppa and comfy space on the sofa. I appreciate you so much.’

‘what stands out, is how real you are. Whatever the situation, you are honest and up front. You know exactly where you are with you! You’re never afraid to show the real you and I love you for that’

‘So the one thing I love about you is that there are millions of things to love about you’

‘I would say that whenever we see each other we always have such a laugh and even though we don’t see each other often it just clicks back to uni times. But as well as being fun you are also really good to have serious chats with and you are very kind and understanding’

‘Your openness to people’

‘Top one is your loyalty you’ve always got everyone’s best intentions at heart all the time!’

‘The one thing I love about you is your enthusiasm. When you get an idea you can run and run with it until everyone is on board…also the sense of humour has to be mentioned (sometimes even a look will do it)’

‘That proud look you give me when you think you are being really funny and you want me to laugh at your jokes.’

‘here’s two ends of the spectrum: your commitment to justice and karma and then your vulnerability and wish to be the baby of the family’

‘Your pure determination to stand up for what you believe in, your love for laughter and your dedicated friendship no matter what’

‘I love how you have the ability to bring out the fun side in everyone, your laugh is infectious and I feel everyone needs to have time away From the stresses of life and go let their hair down with you as it’s good for the soul!’

‘To pick one thing is difficult for me, I love everything about you, if you pushed me, it would be ,I love that your always true to yourself.’

So there you go. Turns out, people think I’m alright. My heart has felt so full in the past 24 hours. I am so glad that my heart belongs to people who want to consistently lift me up and that I do add something to their hearts. Something that at my low points, feels pretty impossible.

Self love is everything. But sometimes, so is everyone else’s.

Send The Message. No matter what, I promise you, that every single person you connect with will love something, they will have something to say. It’s worth it. You’re worth it.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx

Everyone on the Edge #8 – Their Story: It was really rather miserable trying to love you

Ellen ThomasLeave a comment

It’s here! Everyone on the Edge has been a project I’ve wanted to do for a long time. I am so overwhelmed with the response I have had and hope that this series will encourage more of you to open up. It’s an absolute honour to read and share your stories and help people recognise that truly, everyone really is on the Edge.

I would like to introduce my next guest. This person has chosen to remain anonymous. I was never going to push anyone to talk openly. This was never about putting people in the spotlight or forcing anything. I know how hard it is, how hard it can feel to put it out there and I am in absolute absolute awe, and so proud that they feel brave enough to have their vulnerable piece out there. This person was so nervous about sending this piece, and almost didn’t, so the fact they have is a huge thing. It’s a raw piece about the lasting effects of domestic abuse, and how much this can truly shatter your mental health. I know they don’t think it’s that, but I hope by wording it like that, gives them some relief, realisation and strength. I hope they can take pride in the fact that they have come out the other side. I like to think I was there for them through some of it, but as with reading other pieces, I never truly knew (none of us ever truly know) how damaging it was or is, and I feel and felt guilt and heartbreak reading it. Thank you for sharing your story, friend. I know it’s going to help so many people, and hopefully will touch them like it has me. You brave superstar, the floor is yours…

One experience in my life sticks out for me as a time where I was in such a bad place. Now I’m on the other side, I can look back and see how bad it was, and how much worse it could have been.

Rewind to meeting the person who I thought was the big love…the one we’re all waiting for, or we’re taught to wait for?

Little did I know, in the dream I thought I had found, I was about to completely lose myself and all strength I thought I had.

To say I fell hard would be an understatement. But I can’t even tell you some big love story of how it began…I can’t even tell you why or how I was hooked in.

The whole relationship was based on emotional abuse; control, manipulation, gaslighting, disrespect, silent treatment, cheating. Everything bad you could think of that you don’t want to happen in a relationship, happened. Even the physical; being held down, pushing, grabbing, hair pulling.

An emotional rollercoaster is the only way to describe it. A few days, maybe even a few weeks, of being on top of the world, so happy and so in love. I was made to believe all the feelings were reciprocated, they genuinely cared for me and we were going to have a good future together.

These highs were followed by the worst lows…every-single-time. A big row, vile words, and then the silent treatment, with absolutely no idea why. I was desperate every time, desperate to know what had happened, what I’d done which led to this happening again…with no answers. And then the cycle happened again. Always led to believe that the lows just meant we really loved each other…

Each time the cycle repeated itself, I lost a bit of myself and a bit of dignity every time. I was completely out of control of my own mood and my life. If they were happy, I was happy. If they weren’t – I wasn’t.

People might question why I didn’t just walk away. I genuinely felt like I couldn’t, I was stuck. I was helpless. A good friend of mine once came to visit me during one of these down times. Some months later I’d found out once she left, she broke down herself, terrified about the situation I’d found myself in and how helpless she also felt.

I remember one particular day, it all came crashing down again…I stood and I thought to myself, the only way I can solve this problem and get out of this relationship is if I’m no longer living. That thought genuinely crossed my mind. I was so helpless, out of control, besotted, I couldn’t picture my life without this person – no matter how anxious, down and miserable I was. I was lucky it was a brief thought but it was there and it was terrifying that another person can have that effect on me but, somehow, it wasn’t enough for me to end the relationship.

I always told myself one day I’d wake up and enough would be enough. The beginning of the end with another cheating claim, more screenshots, more denial and another “break up”.

I was never given any space or time to try and deal with my feelings, find my strength and move on. Looking back this was all part of the manipulation – how could I possibly find my strength while being ambushed with I love you’s and all the things you want to hear?! Blinded again, I went back within a week. But it had chipped away.

It would take another 12 weeks of shit before I would decide enough was enough. There was nothing unusual about the day. Just the same old shit, different day, but it was final straw. I was finally done.

I haven’t looked back since that day. It wasn’t easy, there were huge lows and moments where I questioned what I was doing. But I knew it was the best decision for me.

I started counselling nearly 15 months later, I just needed it, I couldn’t explain why but I realised when I was in the room, this toxic and abusive relationship was the main reason I was there. I was still struggling to deal with the trauma. I learnt about manipulation, narcissism, trauma bonds, the cycle of abuse. All of this helped me to find the peace I craved, I finally shut the door and moved on.

I am so grateful I came out the other side. I’m so glad that relationship never went to the next step – I genuinely don’t think I would’ve survived it.

Since that, I have met my person that I could only have wished for. He gives me so much love, confidence, trust, support, laughter and fun. Our relationship is full of good times. It is stable, happy, easy, and comfortable.

I am unapologetically myself with him. He respects me, he respects the person I am and he respects my boundaries.

All the times I thought I was the problem, he has provided the confirmation that I wasn’t. I am so lucky he is my person, and I love our life together.

If you wish to contribute to Everyone on the Edge, please send your piece along with a picture to ellenontheedge@gmail.com