Category: medication

25 and Ready to Share

Ellen Thomas1 Comment

Dear You, if you’re reading this following a website link that has been given to you.

Thank you, for everything I haven’t been able to say.*

Welcome, on the day before my 25th birthday, to your thank you present from me. Welcome to Ellen on the Edge.

I started writing this blog following a prompt from my Dad, (Hi Dad!) he gave me this prompt during my recent all time low, completely out of nowhere whilst sitting across from me at a Chinese. He told me that he thinks I should start a blog (I was gobsmacked he knew what a blog was) he explained that he thought my writing was special, that I could be understood and accessible. He said that what I have to say could help people and quite possibly help me. It struck a chord, my dad is a man of few serious words and holds his emotions very close, what he says, I believe and truly trust. So… a few days later, early last month, I gave it a go. Thank you Dad, I am forever in your debt and without knowing you have truly inspired me. Ellen on the Edge was born.

The response has been limited, mainly due to the fact I have not published the blog anywhere other than WordPress. I have enjoyed writing, writing for me, to an anonymous and non existent audience. I’ve enjoyed writing about my daily struggles, experiences, self help techniques, research, thoughts and frustration with depression. It has helped me start to heal, helped me make sense of some things, put my illness into weird categories, break things down and has made some thing easier to understand and manage. I’ve been truly honest, raw and for the most part, tried to be eloquent. But I’m ready to share this with you now. I want this to help you, whether that’s to feel less alone, give you an insight and help you understand my illness and how I feel, or maybe, just give you a chance to have a nose inside my head. I want you to read this. Read all of it in one go (my first ever post is at the bottom, and work your way up), read it in parts, scroll down to a title you like the sound of, please do what you want, in fact scrap that, don’t read it at all if you don’t want to, if I’m honest, I’ve done 6 weeks without (probably anymore than 5) people looking at it and thats worked for me.

I’m hoping to share it more publicly soon. I think whilst I am no longer depression trapped or depression free, I am depression co-existent, it’s a part of me, I am trying to learn to live with it, alongside it. And as part of my co-existence I feel I need to share my experiences with, on behalf of, and for those who can’t. But I wanted you to be the first to read this. You who, along with this blog have helped me realise that being on the edge doesn’t always have to be lonely, scary or exhausting. Sometimes, it’s a bloody riot.

Happy reading.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx

*If you’re reading this following stumbling across my blog (unlikely, let’s face it) any other situation or signposting, or through a social media share. Thank you too, thank you for reading.

A Big Moan

Ellen Thomas1 Comment

Just as my depression let up, just a little bit, just when I was ready to return to work and to get back to a proper routine. Just as that happened my ear started hurting. I spent all weekend in bed slowly falling into the entrapment of the worst ear infection. It’s unbearable. I’m day 5 now, and so frustrated at my body. I’ve been unable to lift my head for the most part, have been being sick consistently and haven’t left the house.

But I’m just so frustrated at my body for letting me down, I feel consistently unwell. I honestly feel tired to my core, after weeks of working on it, my get-up and go has got-up and gone. With such little motivation, where the most basic of life tasks feel Herculean (literally can’t even bring myself to wash my hair) I feel as though I definitely don’t have the motivation to treat myself with much kindness.

I have tried not to let this get me down too much, I’m trying so hard. I am still trying to listen to myself though, I’m sleeping when I can, eating when I can, and am watching all of the Disney movies. Mentally, I genuinely do feel okay, but physically I feel like death, and when it comes directly of the back of my real low, I am struggling.

On top of this, I have been in contact with my doctors surgery almost daily, updating on symptoms, asking for sick notes and trying to get more help with this dreaded bastard infection. I have always found booking a GP appointment to be difficult and intimidating, I am with a practise that is way overstretched and I’ve learnt in the last few months that you really have to beg, which with the way I’ve been feeling physically the past week, hasn’t been hard. Often GP surgeries are booked up, so I know that it’s normal to have to be persistent, but if anything, I don’t really want to be phoning them up anymore.

I’m feeling extremely hard done by at the moment, having a really acute ear infection on the back or a severe depressive episode has not allowed me much time to breath, I feel like I’ve been dealt a really unfair hand and am pathetically feeling sorry for myself. I know people have it worse, I know you probably have it worse, but I’m just a bit fed up. I don’t have much to say within this, am very much aware of how much of a moan this whole post is and of the amount of times I’ve used the word “I”. It’s sort of not intentional, but I have nothing else to update you on just now, and my motivation to write is levelling my motivation to wash my hair, so this is as good as it’s going to get, sorry.

This is for you as well though, the you that feels like life is doing you a massive injustice at the moment, our bodies sometimes let us down, but just like everything else, we are strong and we will get through this. Let’s say it together “FUCK YOU MIDDLE EAR INFECTION!”.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx