“You’ll need to stay on them for a minimum of 6 months” my GP spoke at me rather than with me. I’d gone to the doctors following orders from my very supportive boss, but also because I really did want to get better. I wanted to stop this rollercoaster which was hurling me into the deepest lows intermittently. I’d suppressed how I had felt for a few months leading up to this appointment and had almost instantly regretted doing so. I went to the doctor wanting medication though, initially being very reluctant, I had explored other “cures” but was willing to try anything and confident that there was something really wrong with how I was feeling. Having been relatively open about my mental health I had spoken with people who had expressed how medication had helped them, that it had “taken the edge off”. I wanted that edge, and I wanted it off, and so off to the doctors I went.

Doctors want to help, I firmly believe that (most) doctors are in the profession because they want to help. They are sometimes limited and unable to offer what we want or need as quickly as we want or need it. But for the most part, I believe they are doing there best. I had had mostly negative experience with my GP practise, but how I was feeling, was too low, I know that much and I was desperate for a positive experience to help me. I was lucky. The doctor instantly despite my reluctance signed me off work and suggested that I start taking a in her words “popular antidepressant” Sertraline. I was prescribed 50mg and took my first tablet the following morning. HO-LY SHIT.

Within 2 hours of taking the tablet my head was in the toilet. My head was awash with voices and I could barely keep down water. I spent the next 2 days in a comatosed state on my sofa, baffled at how a 1cm sized tablet could be having this effect on my body. My physical and mental well being truly declined in the commencing week but I was aware enough to know that I needed to get through this stage to hopefully begin to feel just a bit better. I suffered with insomnia, a decreased appetite which resulted in me losing 2 stone in 2 weeks, vertigo, a lack of energy, suicidal thoughts, disassociation and numbness. (I would like to point out that these are also very real symptoms of depression and I am unable to decifer whether these symptoms were from the medication or my mental state, but I wanted to be honest, as always). ALAS after 2 months and an up in the medication to bring me to a 100mg a day dose the fog started to clear, the weight began to lift and the clouds started to part. It was working.

Now, I’m a big advocate for drugs (over the counter, not illegal), I will give it a go if it suggests it might help me. Take note of the picture above and you will get an insight into my daily swallowings. I take Sertraline in the morning, along with 2 “Kalms”. Rescue remedy is a god send and I always have a bottle with me ready for a quick spray if needed. In the evening I have several concoctions that I have been trying out, all natural and herbal remedies I am yet to work out if they are actually effective.

I think the stigma around medication is still incredibly real. With some people not disclosing or feeling embarrassed that it’s part of their routine or make up. It’s interesting though, the moment you’re open and honest with someone about it, it not only makes you realise it’s not a big deal. But you might just find they take medication too. If someone needed medication to keep their blood pressure stable or for a chronic back pain, no one would think twice about trying to “wean” them off it. Take the tablet. Keep taking it. And don’t be ashamed. We need it.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx