Category: rest

A Letter to Myself

Ellen ThomasLeave a comment

“Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have—life itself.” ~Walter Anderson

Dear August 2019 Ellen,

I hope this letter finds you well. I toyed about sending you this letter, what’s done is done, but this is from the girl pictured above, I know you don’t recognise her right now and I would just like you to know a few things that I have been mulling over. You won’t be able to and I don’t want you to respond. But just hear me out, ok?

I am extremely aware of how much you have pitied yourself in the last couple of months, and how much you have leant on people and almost forced them to your self confessed pity party without so much as an invitation. (I know! That hurts, and its very harsh. But don’t get angry yet, I just needed you to be sucked into this letter). I feel like you are trying though, (see, its already better) and this has prompted a lot of thoughts and I need to write them down and I need you to know all of this, because it may just make that dark unbearable cloud just a little easier to handle… please bare with me and read on if you can…

So, basically, everyone wants to feel special mate, because the alternative is feeling like you’re yet another ordinary person out of billions who will stagger through a meaningless blip of an existence and then be forgotten forever. So whilst I know at the moment, you do cry a lot and mope and feel sorry for yourself and stay in bed all day. Whilst I know you are feeling the pain and the hurt and living your reality and misery. (It’s okay, and even healthy to actually do that by the way.) I, now, have become acutely aware of the importance of standing back up. And that this is a choice, but one that you literally have to and will make. Eventually.

Some of us do experience more adversity and painful events in our lives than others. And I know you of all people, wonder why our difficulties don’t happen to the “bad” people out there instead of us. Unfortunately, the thing is Ellen, life is not fair. Awful things happen. Dreadful circumstances or tragedies will affect most of our lives at some point. It’s okay to cry and mope around, even get angry. But what I have come to learn is that at some point you must shake it off, let go of the past, and choose to not let it consume you entirely. You have to stand up again. Otherwise, you are never going to be able to learn from the experience and you will struggle to move forward in a constructive way.

It is so ridiculously destructive to dwell on negative events and carry that bitterness and resentment forward. How do you ever expect to even partially take control of a part of your life if you are so focused on the hurt, on the negative.

You at times, feel desperately sorry for yourself. But I guess, ultimately, and you need to know this… you can choose to spread your misery, or you can choose to rise above your circumstances, to seek help, to attempt to find the techniques to pull yourself to a standing position. You are, unfortunately in charge of your own happiness. It is your personal responsibility. Don’t let what is going on for you right now consume your life. You are not alone or unloved. Remember there are other people in your life who need you. There are people you haven’t even met yet who need you! You can’t help anyone else if you only see yourself. You cannot change the past, but you can change your future.

Let me tell you something, and please digest this. I am not saying this to patronise you, I am saying this with experience, and because I know you; You, you are giving yourself a reason to not try, then wishing you had the result you might have had if you did and feeling sorry for yourself because you don’t. You get me? Using your own misery as an excuse is always going to stop you from standing up, except deep down you know that you do have a chance to be able to rise and refuse to acknowledge it. And that mate, that is eating away at you like a fucking disease.

And lastly, unfortunately, dear one, none of this, none of it, is a choice. It’s something you have to do. I know it seems utterly pointless and you’re weirdly, getting comfort from the negatives, but you literally have to stand up. And you will, you fucking will. Let me know your thoughts. But just have a think about it, sooner than you do, ok?

Hang in there, see you soon.

From the very present Ellen, Ellen on the Edge xx

Have the Christmas You Need

Ellen Thomas3 Comments

Festive cheer, merriment and yuletide joy is really not the feeling that is consuming my time at the moment, I have a massive feeling of numbness when looking at peoples social media, flooded with merriment and Christmas activities.

Christmas isn’t alway easy and can be one of the most difficult times of the year for some people, there is an expectation to be happy and jolly and when you’re not feeling like celebrating it can be really hard. It’s also not unusual for your sadness to become accentuated when you’re watching and observing everyone else’s (perceived) happiness!

This year has worn me out on so many levels, and I can feel myself limping towards the finish line, there is something about Christmas which feels almost impossible to opt out of, it’s everywhere. This can make the holiday season feel very isolating and sometimes hard to cope with. Everyone else seems to be getting more and more excited and festive and as their Christmas radar peaks mine appears to have hit rock bottom. There is often an expectation to join in with the buzz of it all, to plaster a smile on your face and get stuck in. I seem to not be able to fully grasp one moment without the reminder that ‘its the most wonderful time of the year’, which of course is not ideal when it feels overwhelmingly substandard and a bit shit.

Now I know that ‘feeling Christmassy’ is not a single emotion, but a combination of situational and subjective goings on and I normally love Christmas (I have been known to get emotional on Christmas morning because ‘its all got a bit much’ and I have felt so unbelievably excited). I am a massive child and will forever hold onto the magic of Christmas, for so many reasons. By this time in December I am usually one to be bouncing off the walls, attending every yuletide event I can get my hands on and revelling in baubles and twinkly lights. This year though, if someone offered for me to skip Christmas, I would take them up on it. I feel a huge surge of “meh” when I think about it. 

Now I know we all have times in our lives where things fall apart. Whatever the situation, whether its grief, illness, life events, mental health…things happen and often they are out of our control. And at the same time annual milestones and celebrations come and go, the world continues to turn even when for you time has ground to a halt. So I am aware that I am not alone, and that this may all appear very over-dramatic. But alas, here we are.

My family and I seem to have been dealt a particularly rough hand this year. Whilst I am grateful for so many things, I do truly feel a little unlucky. I have had events that have cushioned the blow, but this year has overall been probably one of the worst of my life. My mental health has taken the biggest battering and almost completely won me over, my beautiful family has been tested within an inch of their lives, I have had friendships breakdown, my Mum has faced life changing surgery (which is positive and has been needed), that caused anguish and worry for every member of my family, and just to add a little cherry and some colourful sprinkles, I was, about a week ago, involved in a car accident which saw my car written off and me taken to hospital. I am very lucky to be alive, and have walked away with little more than a very achey body and head.

Now I am aware that I should be thankful for these events, in a way. None of them have broken me or my dear family, we have got through it. But there comes a time when ‘enough is enough’. We and I are done with being tested.

So as we crawl towards the new year, I am ready to get through Christmas and be ready for a reason to feel like I can have a fresh start. The phrase “new year, new me’, is universally frowned upon in a society that is placing pressure to live your best life every moment, and a need to transform your life when the clock hits 1200 on 1st January. But this time round, I am hoping for a fresh start, I am SO ready to put this awful year behind me, to forget about it mostly, and try to find more of the good stuff.

I don’t write this with a plan to abandon Christmas, or to avoid celebrating the end of the year completely. I just need a more low key approach this year, I need to not place myself under pressure, I know that. I need to just get through it.

So perfectionism is out, and a low-key “good enough” Christmas, is in. Join me in that if you want to. “Christmas is supposed to be fun and enjoyable — it shouldn’t be at the detriment of your mental health.”

Whilst your Christmas dinner may not rival Nigella Lawson’s, and your gifts might not be original or handmade, in a month’s time I doubt any of that will matter. Taking care of yourself over the festive period might just set you up for better mental/physical and overall health in 2020. Now wouldn’t that be the perfect present.

If you do have a friend/family member/colleague that is withdrawing from social activities this Christmas, try and reduce the urge of screaming “SCROOGE” at the first available opportunity. Christmas is amazing, but can be incredibly difficult for reasons that may not be obvious. So just be careful. Be kind. Be there. And please, please accept the word “no”.

I’m going to take a week or so off from Ellen on the Edge, I think I need to spend some time with my family and definitely need some time to come up with some more blog material. I will be back with you just before we say a big fat “SEE YA” to 2019. I hope you all have the Christmas you need, do what you need to do. It will be fine. And when it’s over, we can all regroup and carry on. No pressure.

Merry Christmas – Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx