Category: rest

25 and Ready to Share

Ellen Thomas1 Comment

Dear You, if you’re reading this following a website link that has been given to you.

Thank you, for everything I haven’t been able to say.*

Welcome, on the day before my 25th birthday, to your thank you present from me. Welcome to Ellen on the Edge.

I started writing this blog following a prompt from my Dad, (Hi Dad!) he gave me this prompt during my recent all time low, completely out of nowhere whilst sitting across from me at a Chinese. He told me that he thinks I should start a blog (I was gobsmacked he knew what a blog was) he explained that he thought my writing was special, that I could be understood and accessible. He said that what I have to say could help people and quite possibly help me. It struck a chord, my dad is a man of few serious words and holds his emotions very close, what he says, I believe and truly trust. So… a few days later, early last month, I gave it a go. Thank you Dad, I am forever in your debt and without knowing you have truly inspired me. Ellen on the Edge was born.

The response has been limited, mainly due to the fact I have not published the blog anywhere other than WordPress. I have enjoyed writing, writing for me, to an anonymous and non existent audience. I’ve enjoyed writing about my daily struggles, experiences, self help techniques, research, thoughts and frustration with depression. It has helped me start to heal, helped me make sense of some things, put my illness into weird categories, break things down and has made some thing easier to understand and manage. I’ve been truly honest, raw and for the most part, tried to be eloquent. But I’m ready to share this with you now. I want this to help you, whether that’s to feel less alone, give you an insight and help you understand my illness and how I feel, or maybe, just give you a chance to have a nose inside my head. I want you to read this. Read all of it in one go (my first ever post is at the bottom, and work your way up), read it in parts, scroll down to a title you like the sound of, please do what you want, in fact scrap that, don’t read it at all if you don’t want to, if I’m honest, I’ve done 6 weeks without (probably anymore than 5) people looking at it and thats worked for me.

I’m hoping to share it more publicly soon. I think whilst I am no longer depression trapped or depression free, I am depression co-existent, it’s a part of me, I am trying to learn to live with it, alongside it. And as part of my co-existence I feel I need to share my experiences with, on behalf of, and for those who can’t. But I wanted you to be the first to read this. You who, along with this blog have helped me realise that being on the edge doesn’t always have to be lonely, scary or exhausting. Sometimes, it’s a bloody riot.

Happy reading.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx

*If you’re reading this following stumbling across my blog (unlikely, let’s face it) any other situation or signposting, or through a social media share. Thank you too, thank you for reading.

Whatever is good for your soul, do that

Ellen ThomasLeave a comment

Day (what feels like) 678 of lying and watching television whilst the outside world, the blue sky and fresh air sit meters away, within reach but completely out of focus. It’s a Friday evening, a couple of months ago I couldn’t of stood the thought of laying in my bed at 1730 on a Friday evening. I am under the impression that I will be told later on this evening that ‘some fresh air would do me good’. I have no doubt that it would, but my head is currently louder than a full volume, Wembley stadium music concert appropriate speaker. The information I am taking in, actions or movements I am doing are taking every single physical strength I have to complete. Taking one step feels like a marathon, and a simple task like putting the kettle on is like taking an exam in chemistry.

So, here I lay and here I shall stay.

You see, I’ve changed tactics. Whilst I am pushing myself to get out, and do things that I don’t feel comfortable with right now, I’m also listening to myself. I’m doing what I want to do, what I need to do in the quantities, times and paces that I want or need to do them. Depression has a great way of forcing itself on you at extremely inconvenient times, and when it does, it’s suffocating. I really hope I’m learning to recognise the triggers for these situations, and the medication and tactics I’m trying to use are making everyday life more bearable, and allowing me to challenge myself.

This evening, I want to lie in my bed, I want to eat hula hoops and watch TV. I want to talk to no one and I will probably be asleep by around 2000. I’m prepared to do what I want, when I feel like it, because right now, those moments are what make me happy. And I’m clutching at those moments. I have written this blog post over the space of 2 hours, in 3 instalments, I’ve written in short bursts, when I want to write, and stopped when I’m no longer enjoy writing. I’ve done what I need to do in order to make me feel a bit better when I can. I hope it all makes sense.

Do not ever let someone tell you what it is that you need. You should listen to suggestions, you should acknowledge them, take them on board and consider them, because most of the time, they may help. And believe me, a walk, some fresh air, whilst sounding vile, may just help lift you even for 5 minutes. But please, don’t let anyone force you into something that they believe will help, they do not know. It may have worked for them that time they were sad or lost. But only you know you. You really should trust yourself. Listen to your gut, and listen to your body. Listen if your body wants to lie in bed and rest. Don’t be made to feel bad and don’t make yourself feel bad. Your mind will play tricks on you and please don’t always listen to that. But ride it, sit in it and when you’re ready, listen to what your body needs, take a nap and then get up and fight your way through the day… Or try again tomorrow. We’ll still be here.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx