Category: self harm

09/06/2021

Ellen Thomas1 Comment

I wrote this in the early hours of the 10th June 2021. My heart was broken and I needed to express that something needs to change.

Ellen on the Edge is not enough. It’s always been a selfish project, one that turned out to resonated with people. I have been kidding myself that it has actually started to make a difference though, and have even manifested this dream that it’s going to turn into something. That it will help people. It kind of turned into something that has made me feel like I’m actually making a difference. I’m not though. Ellen on the Edge is just not enough for some people.

I never thought I was a cure, I have never thought that I was saving people, but it was always a hope. A hope that if people knew I had been there, if I wrote everything down, if I poured it all out, the people who read it would think twice. Or contact me, or reach out.

But the thing is… some people do all of that. They read, they reach out, they contact us. They read, they reach out. They reach out, they reach out, they fucking reach out. But yet here I am. Sat writing this.

It’s not enough anymore, none of it is.

The problem is fucking bigger. My heart is broken and if someone doesn’t stand up there, in the Houses of Parliament and shout about it.

I will.

You see, my friend did fucking reach out. He did. Time and time again. And I will tell you this… he didn’t take his own life. He didn’t. His life was taken by a system, a healthcare system, and a government that are refusing to listen. That are letting this happen.

Why are we all saying it’s ok not to be okay, and posting stupid fucking quotes all over social media when there are people that really aren’t fucking okay. When there are people literally being killed by their illness, being directed to a fucking crisis phone number that is open 10am – 4pm on Weekdays, except Tuesday and Fridays, and every other Wednesday, and isn’t fully operative on Mondays due to short staff, and the direct voicemail all day on a Thursday asks you to call back for a telephone appointment the following Monday, at which point you will be given another telephone number to book a telephone consultation with a mental health advisors secretary in 6 weeks time. Why are we directing people to A&E, or to the emergency services, when they are unable to support people appropriately. “We haven’t got the resources”, “we haven’t got the beds”, “we need to refer you to the outreach team”, “this is not the right place for you to be”, “speak to your GP, they can offer you support”, “there is nothing we can do for you this evening” – and that last one, that’s the thing isn’t it. There is nothing we can do… not unless we do MORE.

Why are we, as a nation, putting plasters on people that need a life support machine.

Why are we voting for any government, a government that are standing by and allowing people with life threatening but preventable illnesses, to die.

They need to listen to us, the powers that be. the people in the government, listen to me and us when we say that your lack of direction and decisions in relation to the mental health crisis in this country is ruining, shattering and killing families and it’s are breaking hearts. Why are you only giving pennies of public money to mental health services. Why are you relying on helpless people to watch their friends or family go through these illnesses alone. This is and always has been a fucking pandemic. Problem here, is that it’s not easy enough, there is no vaccine for this, is there? There is no scientific variable that is going to cure this.

So I’m saying this in honour of my friend. In honour of yet another friend who has felt that there only option was to end it. All because, we live in a society now, that can perform laser surgery on someone’s eyes, because god forbid, they have to wear a pair of glasses. A society that can remove unwanted fat from someone’s thigh and place it in their tits. A society that is curing some cancers and making ways in finding cures for terminal illnesses. A society that can accommodate the worlds leading healthcare system and provide us with the most amazing healthcare, but can’t help someone when they are screaming out for it. He wasn’t asking for laser eye surgery, he was asking for someone to listen. He made that tragic and irreversible decision because he lived in a society that wouldn’t fucking help him.

I don’t want him to be another statistic, for this to go unnoticed. Do you know what’s part of headline news on the BBC news website tonight? “Can I watch Euro 2021 at a pub?”. My friend has lost his life today, his life was taken; and this is what is being pushed in our faces. This is what we need to know about, apparently. I’ve had enough. It’s not enough to be a ‘voice of the mental health community’ anymore. Ellen on the Edge is not enough. None of it matters anymore. You’ve, yet again, made this my problem, by taking one more person away, you’ve consistently made this all of our problems by taking people away every single second of every single day.

Please feel free to forward this on to Boris Johnson, please forward it to to whoever you wish. To everyone. I will stand up and say this… out loud, in person, online or via satellite, over and over and over again, until someone does something. Until someone listens. Something needs to change.

And to you, darling boy, I am so truly sorry I couldn’t do more. X

I Bruise Like A Peach

Ellen ThomasLeave a comment

I am highly aware that I haven’t posted or written in quite a while, I have had some pretty big life changes (moved house, walked 100km) that appear to have taken all of my energy, (funny that). So life has been a little… stressful, but I know, hasn’t everyones.

I always like to write when I feel I have something to write about, this blog wasn’t for me to set goals to ‘write at least one post a week’ – but mostly just an outlet and a therapy. The fact that so many people do enjoy reading it, is just a bonus.

Anyway, listen to this.

I was having a conversation with my best friend a few weeks ago – I think we were around 4 Prosecco’s in and got knee deep into a DMC (deep meaningful conversation). I had had an accident a couple of weeks before where I basically had to break into my new house as I had forgotten my keys (I know, adulting). We were discussing the HUGE bruise that was now glistening on the back of my thigh. She told me I should write about our conversation, so this ones inspired by you, Luce.

Let me put this to you. Have you ever seen someone with a bruise and thought, “blimey, how did they get that” or “fucking hell, that must hurt” – “Does that hurt, mate?” – you have no qualms in asking them how they got it, how long it’s been there for and commenting on the size of it. You feel sympathy or even find it quite funny. The size and intensity of the bruise usually dictates to us, the level of the pain.

The bruise is visible and will, more often than not get much worse before it gets better. We will injure ourselves, and it will hurt, but the bruise takes quite a while to come out, and when it does, people begin to notice and react “goodness me you must of done something terrible”. In all honesty, in relation to my bruise, I don’t even remember how I hurt it, but it was clearly a big enough impact to cause a big mark, one that people would be shocked at.

It didn’t hurt to press it, it looked a lot worse than it was, and in all honesty – was pretty impressive, I think.

Now let’s bring this back to our mental health and look at the comparisons here, if you have an emotional injury or trigger… what’s to say you even know it’s actually happened. What’s to say that the emotional bruise isn’t going to come out, it might not, but it might come out and be bigger than you ever expected. But the difference here is that most people don’t see it, they won’t be able to comprehend how big your emotional bruise is, how much you’re struggling. And what angers me, is that it takes a physical injury for people to recognise the extent of the damage. Damage, is damage. Why are we not asking why someone is feeling down, or even, if they are ok?

Bruises are visible and the darker they get the more people react, but it’s not going to result in our body part being chopped off, the reaction people give is that of shock, but they know it’s not going to result in death. Our emotional bruises on the other hand, can quite easily cause death.

People understand bruises, they have had one before, they’ve pushed one and it has hurt. But they have also had bruises that just came and went, they made a mark, but they were nothing to note.

What we must be careful of is that we do take note of the little bruises, the little hiccups, the stuff we are struggling with but it goes away relatively quickly and we move on. I know no one is going to notice it or give you that massive reaction that you think is appropriate. But what we want to attempt to avoid here, is any of this resulting in a big bruise, one that takes weeks to heal, one that gets darker before it gets better. Unfortunately we are never going to avoid these things, these struggles, but if we can use a bit of the dramatic nature we approach bad physical bruises with, maybe we will begin to get there.

Bruises might not be, but sometimes they can be painful. Check up on your friend whether they have a bruise or not, and know that some people suffer when bruises are pressed, so maybe they just need to be left alone.

It’s a hard one, a hard one to judge and manage, but just know, and if you can relate, that I bruise like a peach, remember some others might too.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx

Ps, told you it was bad.