Category: self help

Have the Christmas You Need

Ellen Thomas3 Comments

Festive cheer, merriment and yuletide joy is really not the feeling that is consuming my time at the moment, I have a massive feeling of numbness when looking at peoples social media, flooded with merriment and Christmas activities.

Christmas isn’t alway easy and can be one of the most difficult times of the year for some people, there is an expectation to be happy and jolly and when you’re not feeling like celebrating it can be really hard. It’s also not unusual for your sadness to become accentuated when you’re watching and observing everyone else’s (perceived) happiness!

This year has worn me out on so many levels, and I can feel myself limping towards the finish line, there is something about Christmas which feels almost impossible to opt out of, it’s everywhere. This can make the holiday season feel very isolating and sometimes hard to cope with. Everyone else seems to be getting more and more excited and festive and as their Christmas radar peaks mine appears to have hit rock bottom. There is often an expectation to join in with the buzz of it all, to plaster a smile on your face and get stuck in. I seem to not be able to fully grasp one moment without the reminder that ‘its the most wonderful time of the year’, which of course is not ideal when it feels overwhelmingly substandard and a bit shit.

Now I know that ‘feeling Christmassy’ is not a single emotion, but a combination of situational and subjective goings on and I normally love Christmas (I have been known to get emotional on Christmas morning because ‘its all got a bit much’ and I have felt so unbelievably excited). I am a massive child and will forever hold onto the magic of Christmas, for so many reasons. By this time in December I am usually one to be bouncing off the walls, attending every yuletide event I can get my hands on and revelling in baubles and twinkly lights. This year though, if someone offered for me to skip Christmas, I would take them up on it. I feel a huge surge of “meh” when I think about it. 

Now I know we all have times in our lives where things fall apart. Whatever the situation, whether its grief, illness, life events, mental health…things happen and often they are out of our control. And at the same time annual milestones and celebrations come and go, the world continues to turn even when for you time has ground to a halt. So I am aware that I am not alone, and that this may all appear very over-dramatic. But alas, here we are.

My family and I seem to have been dealt a particularly rough hand this year. Whilst I am grateful for so many things, I do truly feel a little unlucky. I have had events that have cushioned the blow, but this year has overall been probably one of the worst of my life. My mental health has taken the biggest battering and almost completely won me over, my beautiful family has been tested within an inch of their lives, I have had friendships breakdown, my Mum has faced life changing surgery (which is positive and has been needed), that caused anguish and worry for every member of my family, and just to add a little cherry and some colourful sprinkles, I was, about a week ago, involved in a car accident which saw my car written off and me taken to hospital. I am very lucky to be alive, and have walked away with little more than a very achey body and head.

Now I am aware that I should be thankful for these events, in a way. None of them have broken me or my dear family, we have got through it. But there comes a time when ‘enough is enough’. We and I are done with being tested.

So as we crawl towards the new year, I am ready to get through Christmas and be ready for a reason to feel like I can have a fresh start. The phrase “new year, new me’, is universally frowned upon in a society that is placing pressure to live your best life every moment, and a need to transform your life when the clock hits 1200 on 1st January. But this time round, I am hoping for a fresh start, I am SO ready to put this awful year behind me, to forget about it mostly, and try to find more of the good stuff.

I don’t write this with a plan to abandon Christmas, or to avoid celebrating the end of the year completely. I just need a more low key approach this year, I need to not place myself under pressure, I know that. I need to just get through it.

So perfectionism is out, and a low-key “good enough” Christmas, is in. Join me in that if you want to. “Christmas is supposed to be fun and enjoyable — it shouldn’t be at the detriment of your mental health.”

Whilst your Christmas dinner may not rival Nigella Lawson’s, and your gifts might not be original or handmade, in a month’s time I doubt any of that will matter. Taking care of yourself over the festive period might just set you up for better mental/physical and overall health in 2020. Now wouldn’t that be the perfect present.

If you do have a friend/family member/colleague that is withdrawing from social activities this Christmas, try and reduce the urge of screaming “SCROOGE” at the first available opportunity. Christmas is amazing, but can be incredibly difficult for reasons that may not be obvious. So just be careful. Be kind. Be there. And please, please accept the word “no”.

I’m going to take a week or so off from Ellen on the Edge, I think I need to spend some time with my family and definitely need some time to come up with some more blog material. I will be back with you just before we say a big fat “SEE YA” to 2019. I hope you all have the Christmas you need, do what you need to do. It will be fine. And when it’s over, we can all regroup and carry on. No pressure.

Merry Christmas – Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx

The Mask

Ellen Thomas1 Comment

I spoke a couple of months ago about the misinterpreted face of depression. And the frustration I have with it. An extract from the post reads; “It’s easier to smile. It is easier at the time. We all know that. But everything will always catch up with us, it has too. Especially with the weight of a world that is desperate for us to be consistently happy, consistently instagrammable, and consistently consistent. It’s all too much.” And I want to write today about this a bit more. About how I cope or don’t cope or am struggling to cope, and how my coping mechanism can sometimes be… well, The Mask.

I wear a mask, one that (to most people) makes me appear to be strong and capable, cheerful, outgoing, warm. The “nothing bothers me” mask. It continues to smile no matter what is happening to the woman behind it. The mask is a way to hide my bruised self, a way to hide or disguise the feelings that are raw and vulnerable. It is safe. It allows me to attempt perfect control over what people get to see. We all wear it at times. And it’s vital some of the time. In professional settings it’s important to be able to keep some feelings controlled, that’s your job. In a supermarket, we smile and thank the person who serves us, no matter how we are feeling. When your friend needs you, you put everything aside, you put on The Mask for a little while, to help them out. Now, I need you to know that this post is not saying that we should never wear The Mask, sometimes, it’s needed, it’s appropriate. But what we must all be doing, is taking it off. And acknowledging it for what it is, The Mask.

My Mask used to fit me so well — seamlessly even — but in the past couple of years it has started to hurt a little. It feels heavy and no longer seems to fit and holding it up gets to be exhausting and occasionally it starts to slip. What once felt as though it was made from fine china, light and smooth, easy to keep in place, now feels to be roughly crafted from harsh sandpaper — it is heavy and rubs painfully.

I don’t want to wear it all the time anymore, and I am desperately trying to adjust to a life where I only wear it part time, but I am also fighting a feeling of not wanting to burden people with the real feelings I have. Truth is, I have been and am scared. I don’t like to leave the safety of my sanctuary, it frightens me. I am scared of falling apart, every single day, I am horrified at the thought that my mask might drop, without me being able to control when I take it off. I am terrified of being seen, judged or pitied. It strikes fear in my heart to think of falling apart and having people suggest it was a way to get attention, to be noticed.

I know avoidance is considered to be a poor and dangerous coping skill, but despite that, a lot of the time, I just want to be alone. I am lonely, sometimes. But not too often. I am aware of the negative presence I have at the moment. I don’t want to burden people with my presence unless I know that I am going to be able to keep the strong and cheerful me present. I do not want to be a disappointment. And right now, I’m desperately trying to work out… work out how to be me again, I’m putting on The Mask as often as I can. But I’m letting my real self, my depressed self, breathe a bit more. Sometimes I can’t face putting The Mask on just to sit for a meal at my family dinner table, I take it off in the evenings, I am aware of when I have been wearing it too long, and even more aware when it begins to slip.

Now trust me, I’m not about to even contemplate living a mask-free life. Although I suppose that’s what I’m doing with Ellen on the Edge, I don’t find it very difficult to sit behind a keyboard and share my thoughts, and for me, it’s quite therapeutic. But opening up in person, right now… let’s just say, The Mask is still in place.

Keep your mask on if that’s what you feel you need to do. I’m totally with you. But please know that you will need to take it off at some point, your real self needs to breathe. Do what you need to do, darling.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx