Category: self help

Everyone on the Edge # 3 – Effie’s Story: I am on the Edge

Ellen ThomasLeave a comment

It’s here! Everyone on the Edge has been a project I’ve wanted to do for a long time. I am so overwhelmed with the response I have had and hope that this series will encourage more of you to open up. It’s an absolute honour to read and share your stories and help people recognise that truly, everyone really is on the Edge.

I would like to introduce my third guest writer, Effie. Effie and I have know each other for over 20 years. We have flown in and out of each other’s lives, but our connection has always been as strong as it was on day 1. We had a friendship when we were young that we decided would never be able to be broken, that was an agreement I don’t think we have ever truly broke. We understood each other, I know that now. And this piece represents everything I have always loved and respected about her, I am so thankful that she has written a piece for Everyone on the Edge. It is brief, but powerful and I am in awe of her honesty. Thanks Eff, the floor is yours, darling….

When I picture the ‘edge’ in my mind as a visual, I have always thought of it as a cliff edge. Like I am teetering on the edge, safety behind me, and the scary unknown depths of some kind of mental health catastrophe in front. It has always been one or the other. And I have always had the safety of stepping sideways along the cliff edge. Maintaining some kind of middle ground until I feel strong enough to step back to safety, or lose my footing and fall forward and let it engulf me.

Lately it feels different though. 

It feels more like I am stood on a totem pole. A fucking wobbly one. If I shut my eyes, concentrate and stay very still then I can balance. But it takes all my energy. Everything I’ve got to stop myself from falling off the edge. And the direction I could fall isn’t just forwards. It’s all around me. If you had a birds eye view it would be like someone kind of mental health pie chart. What will I fall into?

Anxiety
Depression
ADHD
Panic

And don’t get me wrong. There are good slices of this pie too:

Joy
Calm
Productivity
Content

They are the small slices right now. Or one combined slice. The last slice of the pie that I am too scared to eat because then it’ll all be gone.

I know I will get back to a safer space. My platform will get bigger, big enough for me to open my eyes. Big enough for me to walk around, look and appreciate the good stuff. The joy and calm slices of the pie will get bigger, big enough that I don’t have to worry about it being the last slice. I can enjoy it now and maybe again tomorrow. 

I’ve dealt with this shit for so many years, that I know in my heart it will get better. I can tell myself it WILL get better. Sometimes I have to shout it over the thoughts racing around my head. It’s tough, but I know now that it doesn’t last forever. It doesn’t make it easier, to be honest, sometimes it makes it harder. If I KNOW it gets easier, why can’t I just make it easier now? Why do I have to suffer. 

Why do we all have to suffer. 

But in the words of Ellen, we all hang in there.

Please, hang in there.

If you wish to contribute to Everyone on the Edge, please send your piece along with a picture to ellenontheedge@gmail.com

Take A Day

Ellen ThomasLeave a comment

Why are we constantly and consistently doing what we think we should do, doing what other people do? Sometimes it is necessary to do what people tell you to do, but that’s a work thing.

Why are we living our lives through other people? Eating 5 fruit and veg a day because we need to be healthy, getting out for exercise everyday although we are knackered and need to rest. I am the biggest culprit in this, I feel guilty for doing nothing, even when I need to do nothing. A lot of the time, I let Billy tell me what I need to do, which isn’t always a bad thing, sometimes it is.

It can be all too easy to convince ourselves that poor mental health isn’t a good enough reason to take time out, to rest. If you’re physically able to do shit, why not do it?

But remember that our mental health is just as important to our overall well-being as our physical health. Just like any bout of illness or bodily distress, our minds needs time to rest and recover.

I know that a lot of companies are advocates for mental health/wellbeing days, and actively encourage people to take them. My organisation isn’t one of these specifically, but I am lucky to have the confidence in taking a day if I need it. I am, and continue to be passionate about this, and would always encourage companies to adopt this policy. A day where you are not feeling well, mentally, should be no different to a day where you are physically unwell. These days should not necessarily be for that. But should be encouraging people to “take a day” – to rest, to do something that makes you feel happy. I do understand that a small number of people could, in the eyes of organisations be “misused” – however I would disagree with this. Who are we to say how someone is using this day.

I will always take a day if I am not feeling right, if I am feeling unwell. Believe me when I say that you are going to be unproductive at work if you aren’t feeling right, and it may result in you needing to take even more time off.

This also however, stands for taking a day outside of your work life, you should feel confident in cancelling plans if you don’t feel up to it. Don’t apologise to your friends for letting them down, you aren’t, you are taking care of yourself. Just be honest. Don’t worry.

I am lucky in that I haven’t had to take a day in a while, however, I know I will in the future. I have no worries about this, it’s how I cope and manage, and knowing that I am actively doing something about how I am feeling, stops me from falling off the edge sometimes.

So my advice to you? Babes, just take a day, there are so many days ahead… having one isn’t going to cause an issue.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx