Mate, I know we are all keeping each other safe, but I am so over this mask thing. It’s making my skin flare up, its uncomfortable and sometimes is making me feel really anxious. I am not in a position where I would be exempt and I am all over the safety thing. But I am so sick of not seeing people smile, and feeling a little silenced.

It has all got me thinking about how much, we are sometimes feeling silenced without a mask, we keep things in. We aren’t able to speak. We tell people what we want to tell, but no one actually knows what we are thinking, what we really want to say or what is going on inside our brains. I know I say this a lot, but I am as honest as I can be. Ellen on the Edge has given me a voice, one that I don’t think I would have found without the encouragement of my Dad a year ago. I know, now, that I am not alone, and responses and reactions to my writing have proven that we all feel all of the things sometimes. Nevertheless, it makes me so sad, that some people (including me) are feeling like we are in a position where we can’t be truly honest. This is completely natural, and we are conditioned as humans to be inside our own heads.

We are all aware that we have 2 voices… the one that’s in our heads, and the one that we actually use. Our internal and external voices are ways of understanding and communicating who we are to ourselves and to others. When our voice is stifled (by ourselves, or someone else) if can be difficult to have a full sense of who we are and what we are about. Silencing our voices can unintentionally involve shutting pieces of ourselves down from emerging. It keeps parts of ourselves clear from exposure to judgment and rejection from others, but at the same time keeps these parts of ourselves removed from our own view as well. Also, our voices contain our needs, they are literally there to get stuff out. How we communicate with others about what’s essential to our satisfaction and what helps fulfill us as human beings is all in our voice. If our voice is shut down, it’s likely that our needs are marginalised, and maybe even out of our own awareness as well. This can become bloody frustrating over time. I am not saying that it’s imperative that we all shout about how we feel all of the time, but maybe it will help to use our voices a little more?

Now, in the present, the feeling of vulnerability and fear of rejection that comes along with trying to bring out your voice after so many years of experiencing a feeling of shame is almost automatic. It can make it incredibly hard to allow yourself to trust your voice and, as a result, end up shutting down. Our voices can end up in the background much of the time, leaving us bottling frustration until the resentment builds to the point it can’t build any further. Thats when we burst. When we completely collapse, and when we won’t be able to cope anymore.

I’ve been amazed how many of my friends, colleagues and family have been through or are going through the same things (something I didn’t properly understand before I recognised I had an illness), is such a real and disruptive part of life for so many people. We can’t be silent about it, we can’t blame ourselves or keep it hidden because it makes everything worse, for the people living with it right now and for everyone who might in the future, we’ll all benefit from a world where no one feels afraid or ashamed to talk about mental health.

We all have to continue to wear our masks – but we need to make sure we aren’t being silenced by a bit of material, or by anyone. We are all going through stuff, and if we all spoke a bit more, we might find that we aren’t as alone as we think we are.

Wear your mask, but take it off when you get outside, take your metaphorical mask off when you can, smile at people, use your voice. Open up, use both of your voices. I promise, whilst it won’t take anything away, it might just get it out of your own head. We all feel you. You got this.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx