I’ve kept every single package from every medication I have taken in the past 17 months, packets of pill filled wonder that help me get through the day (and night) – 77 packets to be exact (just counted them as they fell out of my hand taking this picture, literal shower of loony pill packs… great metaphor there).
I don’t know why I have kept these, I remember telling my mum about it after a few months of taking them and saying that I was going to compile a post about it when I came off them and write about how proud I was. But truth be told, I don’t know if I will ever be “off” them, and I don’t think I will ever feel a sense of pride if I do. You see, these medications have helped, they’ve helped calm me, stabilise me and have enabled me to get through every single day, I’m still here after all. And whilst it’s not all down to a few tablets, at all. It has helped.
Now this isn’t to belittle your celebration if you have come off your tablets, and if you’re proud of it, you do you. You’re in a better place. But I’m talking for those of us who have not only situational mental health problems, but those of us who have illnesses that need to be treated. Take your bow, Billy, it’s all your getting.
Let me put this too you. If someone was taking blood pressure medication or indeed insulin, and they came off it one day “because they felt better” what on EARTH would we say, let me tell you: “YOU MORON”. You see, the reason people get to a place of stability and consider coming off anti-depressants/mood stabilisers/Valium (anything!), is because they are feeling better, they may sometimes even get encouragement to come off them. But I struggle to see why this is celebrated so much when it’s LITERALLY THE THING THAT MADE THEM FEEL BETTER IN THE FIRST PLACE.
I am never shocked when people tell me “oh I’m on that too”, some people struggle with opening up about it, they feel ashamed that they may need a medication to just lift them a little or to help them get through the day, trust me when I say… I honestly don’t give a shit. And that’s whether you take them, or I take them. Would we EVER dream of judging someone for taking a bloody paracetamol for their headache?! It literally helps ease the pain.
Sometimes I do wonder whether medication (in any form) has a placebo effect. But even if it does, what’s the harm. For thousands of years (before unreal medication was introduced) people have literally been dying because they have an illness that people can’t see and so can’t treat.
Let’s celebrate our anti-depressants, mood stabilisers, anti-psychotics, sleeping tablets, Valium, anxiety reducing drugs. Let’s cheer for a world in which we are able to access or watch people access drugs that are literally going to save them. Let’s fucking shout about it.
I’m on loony pills, and I am proud of that. Let’s celebrate that we are loony’s – it’s what makes us, us. And I am sure, no one would want us to be anything else. We are all loved, I promise you that, and at the end of the day, it ain’t loony at all, it’s just a tablet.
The exhaustion I have felt recently has been like nothing I have ever experienced. My head is foggy; my thoughts never seem to quite finish themselves. Searching for an answer to a question, or trying to remember how to do something I do on the daily, like making a cup of tea, can at times, feel like mentally wading through treacle. My eyes sting and keep trying to close. I seem to have a consistent piercing headache. Every single one of my muscles aches, including muscles I didn’t even know I had. Each of my limbs feels as though my bloodstream has been replaced with lead. Everything hurts. Standing, sitting, lying down… all of it feels too hard. It all feels like my body needs more support. Sound, light, smells, tastes and things we touch can all feel too much – almost, at times, as though they’re attacking me. The world just feels a bit fuzzy or furry, particularly around the edges.
Despite all of this, I will keep trying to do all of the things I feel are expected of me. Not by anyone externally, as I know I have support, but mostly expectation of myself. I have been getting frustrated with myself for not being able to do things to the same standard as I’d be able to achieve if I didn’t feel exhausted. This frustration then fuels my day, and leads to yet another broken nights sleep. I have still been able to work and am still determined to live my life normally. But everything has been a bit of a struggle.
Sleeping in general has been a little frustrating lately. When I try to go to sleep my mind begins to race. It doesn’t seem to end when I’m asleep, either. My dreams can be full of anxiety, taking twists and turns that we don’t want to watch or experience. And I have found that I wake up regularly during the night, sweating, shaking and feeling breathless. When morning finally comes around I often feel as though I haven’t slept at all. It’s exhausting.
Now I know that this is a major side effect of my mental health problem and that symptoms are persistent and pervade all aspects of an individual’s’ life. This is knowledge I have, knowledge I have gained and I have a full awareness of every side effect I think I could ever have, yet it still bothers me – to the extent of making me god damn miserable.
I do know that parts of my sleep routine have changed massively in the past couple of years, and that I am now affected, at night by things I never was. A year ago, I would stress if there was even a speck of light in my room, if a TV light was on, or I could see a streetlight through the top of my curtains, I would be up, turning it off, masking it or covering it up. I grew an inability to be able to sleep in this atmosphere mid way through last year however, and have not been able to sleep without a light on ever since.
Now I have invested in a lot of gadgets, gismos and natural remedies in the past year, anything that states it may calm, clear my head or help me get to sleep has had my attention. My night light is my top. However, I had been seeing weighted blankets pop up in my social feeds for ages, boasting “the best nights sleep” and was extremely intrigued at the concept. Like most things, I had undertaken a lot of research into the benefits of this “heavy blanket”, so when Remy Sleep got in contact with me and I was able to get my hands on one, I was extremely excited. Maybe I would FINALLY be able to get some proper rest. Please let this work!
Now, let me tell you, it is bloody heavy, mine weighs 8kg but there are 3 different weighted blankets depending on your weight (Remy have also just launched a junior weighed blanket for children!). Unboxing it was a mission.
Before I let you know how I got on with mine, let me tell you a bit about the whole thing. Weighted blankets are exactly what they sound like… really heavy blankets. They are apparently said to have many benefits, including increased serotonin, decreased anxiety, and reduced restlessness. Weighted blankets work along the same theory as baby swaddling. The blanket simulates a warm, comforting hug, which in theory helps calm the nervous system. The weight can also mimic deep-pressure touch, which supposedly can aid in pain relief. The equal distribution of weight provides a gentle downforce on the body, which may deter pain-flaring movements in sleep. The theory is that the deep pressure you feel from being under all of that weight has a calming effect. Anything that’s gonna swaddle my like a baby, and calm me down a bit, is something I have got a bit of time for, you get me?
I was a bit pessimistic, worrying I would get too hot, or that the weight would kill me (dramatic), but when I slipped under the blanket, I felt like I was wrapped in a cocoon, as if the blanket were hugging me. Although it was possible for me to shift onto my side, the blanket was definitely more snug than my regular duvet, and I felt like it encouraged my body to stay still. Normally, I’m pretty restless in bed, and the act of moving around makes my mind wander. But, because I couldn’t physically move as much, I noticed that my thoughts weren’t racing as much either. I was able to just focus on the present, and that made it easier to fall asleep. I didn’t wake up once in the middle of the night, which is very rare for me and after 7 hours of solid sleep, I felt so refreshed that I genuinely felt like a new woman.
A week or so on, I am still waking up in the middle of the night, but I fall back asleep faster and more easily. I don’t know whether the blanket provides all those benefits or if I’m sleeping better by coincidence or placebo effect. For now, I will continue to use the blanket because the results so far have been promising, at least for me. I am just relieved that I am finally getting some sleep. Everything isn’t hurting. Standing, sitting, lying down… all of it feels a little easier. Sound, light, smells, tastes and things I can touch are suddenly feeling less overbearing I am not feeling attacked. And it’s almost like… The world just feels a bit less fuzzy or furry.
If you are going to try a weighted a blanket, keep in mind that they can get pricey. But if stress, mental health struggles, a mile-long to-do list and funneling caffeine to get through the day is the battle you’re fighting, if the weight of tiredness is getting to you, a weighted blanket may just help you put those sleepless nights behind you.
If you are struggling to sleep at the moment, I am sorry, its bloody awful, but do give yourself a chance, possibly consider just riding it for a little while and maybe invest in something, doesn’t have to be a blanket, but something. Do your research! It might just be your golden ticket to the Land of Nod!
Sweet dreams, when they come darling.
And of course, Hang in there.
Ellen on the Edge xx
** With special thanks to Remy Sleep. They are currently offering a further 10% discount on all orders from their website when you enter the code: ‘ELLENONTHEEDGE10’ at the check out. You can shop their Weighted Blanket Selection here: REMY SLEEP **
Ellen on the Edge 