Category: suicide

Everyone on the Edge #6 – Jess’ Story: I’m so thankful I am still in this world

Ellen ThomasLeave a comment

It’s here! Everyone on the Edge has been a project I’ve wanted to do for a long time. I am so overwhelmed with the response I have had and hope that this series will encourage more of you to open up. It’s an absolute honour to read and share your stories and help people recognise that truly, everyone really is on the Edge.

I would like to introduce you to my next guest, Jess. This story dropped into my inbox this week. I have never met Jess, and her story came without explanation or greeting. We have since spoken and I feel extremely proud to have received this. I found myself crying at this piece, it is so raw and she told me that it took a lot for her to open up. I really hope that this has given her some light relief, and know that so many people will be able to relate to it. Thank you Jess, your raw and vulnerable writing has reassured me that I am doing the right thing. The floor is yours…

It started when I was pregnant with my first baby. I was so sick, not just a little sick. So sick. Sick enough that I wanted an abortion to get rid of that sick feeling and feel like Jess again. Then before I knew it I had the quickest labour, I went into complete shock and I had a new born baby that just would not stop screaming. I wanted to die. Whole heartily , wanted to die. Being in the world was too much to handle. I was having intrusive and suicidal thoughts. Anxiety about anything and everything and deep deep depression. Nothing was how I thought or how I wanted it to be so I wanted it all to end.

I was so ashamed, my dad had committed suicide when I was 7 so I knew what everyone would think. It got to the point where I couldn’t hide anything, I told my mum I didn’t want my son and that I wanted to give him away. I didn’t care who that hurt in the mean time, I just wanted to be Jess again, someone that was lost so long ago. I got help from the doctor and I started to feel better , I was better. Until I got pregnant again, we went into lockdown and my mum got cancer. This is a story for people to get the violin out right?! Haha. So, this was now my new life.

Antidepressants and sleepless nights, but I was ok with that. After never having any Mental Health problems before having my son, it was a lot to take in but it was what it was. I then had my daughter and I didn’t think my MH got get worse. I didn’t wash for 3 weeks, I didn’t talk, I didn’t leave the house, I hated my daughter and wanted to give her up for adoption. I hated my husband and my mum, my friends I refused to see. I was bad. I only realise how bad I was now, looking back. I could of easily killed myself several times, but I didn’t, I’m so thankful I didn’t, but I’m not sure why I didn’t.

I’ve now been diagnosed with Bioplar, post natal depression, anxiety & psychosis. I’m on tablets and after 9 months of my daughter being on earth. I can truly say I’m happy, I’m content. I still have issues, maybe I will forever, but I’m content today, right now, and that’s what I have to be grateful for. My children are my absolute world. God, I look at them every day and am so so thankful I have them, so thankful they choose me to be their mummy. I’m so thankful I’m still in this world.

If you wish to contribute to Everyone on the Edge, please send your piece along with a picture to ellenontheedge@gmail.com

09/06/2021

Ellen Thomas1 Comment

I wrote this in the early hours of the 10th June 2021. My heart was broken and I needed to express that something needs to change.

Ellen on the Edge is not enough. It’s always been a selfish project, one that turned out to resonated with people. I have been kidding myself that it has actually started to make a difference though, and have even manifested this dream that it’s going to turn into something. That it will help people. It kind of turned into something that has made me feel like I’m actually making a difference. I’m not though. Ellen on the Edge is just not enough for some people.

I never thought I was a cure, I have never thought that I was saving people, but it was always a hope. A hope that if people knew I had been there, if I wrote everything down, if I poured it all out, the people who read it would think twice. Or contact me, or reach out.

But the thing is… some people do all of that. They read, they reach out, they contact us. They read, they reach out. They reach out, they reach out, they fucking reach out. But yet here I am. Sat writing this.

It’s not enough anymore, none of it is.

The problem is fucking bigger. My heart is broken and if someone doesn’t stand up there, in the Houses of Parliament and shout about it.

I will.

You see, my friend did fucking reach out. He did. Time and time again. And I will tell you this… he didn’t take his own life. He didn’t. His life was taken by a system, a healthcare system, and a government that are refusing to listen. That are letting this happen.

Why are we all saying it’s ok not to be okay, and posting stupid fucking quotes all over social media when there are people that really aren’t fucking okay. When there are people literally being killed by their illness, being directed to a fucking crisis phone number that is open 10am – 4pm on Weekdays, except Tuesday and Fridays, and every other Wednesday, and isn’t fully operative on Mondays due to short staff, and the direct voicemail all day on a Thursday asks you to call back for a telephone appointment the following Monday, at which point you will be given another telephone number to book a telephone consultation with a mental health advisors secretary in 6 weeks time. Why are we directing people to A&E, or to the emergency services, when they are unable to support people appropriately. “We haven’t got the resources”, “we haven’t got the beds”, “we need to refer you to the outreach team”, “this is not the right place for you to be”, “speak to your GP, they can offer you support”, “there is nothing we can do for you this evening” – and that last one, that’s the thing isn’t it. There is nothing we can do… not unless we do MORE.

Why are we, as a nation, putting plasters on people that need a life support machine.

Why are we voting for any government, a government that are standing by and allowing people with life threatening but preventable illnesses, to die.

They need to listen to us, the powers that be. the people in the government, listen to me and us when we say that your lack of direction and decisions in relation to the mental health crisis in this country is ruining, shattering and killing families and it’s are breaking hearts. Why are you only giving pennies of public money to mental health services. Why are you relying on helpless people to watch their friends or family go through these illnesses alone. This is and always has been a fucking pandemic. Problem here, is that it’s not easy enough, there is no vaccine for this, is there? There is no scientific variable that is going to cure this.

So I’m saying this in honour of my friend. In honour of yet another friend who has felt that there only option was to end it. All because, we live in a society now, that can perform laser surgery on someone’s eyes, because god forbid, they have to wear a pair of glasses. A society that can remove unwanted fat from someone’s thigh and place it in their tits. A society that is curing some cancers and making ways in finding cures for terminal illnesses. A society that can accommodate the worlds leading healthcare system and provide us with the most amazing healthcare, but can’t help someone when they are screaming out for it. He wasn’t asking for laser eye surgery, he was asking for someone to listen. He made that tragic and irreversible decision because he lived in a society that wouldn’t fucking help him.

I don’t want him to be another statistic, for this to go unnoticed. Do you know what’s part of headline news on the BBC news website tonight? “Can I watch Euro 2021 at a pub?”. My friend has lost his life today, his life was taken; and this is what is being pushed in our faces. This is what we need to know about, apparently. I’ve had enough. It’s not enough to be a ‘voice of the mental health community’ anymore. Ellen on the Edge is not enough. None of it matters anymore. You’ve, yet again, made this my problem, by taking one more person away, you’ve consistently made this all of our problems by taking people away every single second of every single day.

Please feel free to forward this on to Boris Johnson, please forward it to to whoever you wish. To everyone. I will stand up and say this… out loud, in person, online or via satellite, over and over and over again, until someone does something. Until someone listens. Something needs to change.

And to you, darling boy, I am so truly sorry I couldn’t do more. X