It’s here! Everyone on the Edge has been a project I’ve wanted to do for a long time. I am so overwhelmed with the response I have had and hope that this series will encourage more of you to open up. It’s an absolute honour to read and share your stories and help people recognise that truly, everyone really is on the Edge.

I would like to introduce you to my 5th guest on the Edge series. Alicia and I met in Jamaica 18 months ago, she was quiet on the trip, and when I learnt that this trip was helping her recover as well, albeit for different reasons, I was instantly in awe and drawn to her. Despite living on the other side of the world, in Seattle, she sends me regular morning and evening texts and lately we have been talking most days. She keeps me grounded and is one of the strongest people I have ever met. Her piece below made me cry, proper tears. Knowing someone you love has experienced this type of pain is heartbreaking. It’s a powerful, brave and beautiful piece about grief and strength, and due to recent events has struck a chord with me. I know it will with you, too. The floor is yours, darling girl, I am so, so proud to be your friend…

In the hospital room during my mother’s final moments, her wedding ring was removed and placed on my finger. It never matched anything, and barely fit…but I just couldn’t take it off. The past two years of grief have been an incredibly long and arduous journey. I spent a year in grief counseling, hating my counselor but returning every week regardless. I talked to her about every reason why I was sad, including what my mom’s passing has done to my family. You see, my normal family unit has completely combusted. However, that’s not the only topic of this post. The topic will be about how grief over the past couple of years has taught me about boundaries, support, and how to actively focus on my mental health through a trying time.

I’ve put a lot of effort into learning how to have positive, healthy relationships with friends and family. I’ve been incredibly lucky to have so many different kinds of fulfilling and loving relationships in adulthood. It’s given me a lens from which to examine my less healthy relationships. As a child, many things I thought were normal, I have since realized are incredibly unhealthy. The path to that realization has brought me to a sort of crossroads. 

I have several family members who I struggle with. I tried to have as much patience as I could muster for everybody around me so that we could all have the space to move through and express our grief. However, some relationships became unmanageable. I had to block them on my phone and social media. I decided that I needed some space, and they weren’t respecting my boundaries when I asked for it. I needed time to cool off, and would reach back out when I was ready.

It was incredibly hard to hold that boundary line against a sister, a brother, and a stepfather who was my only remaining parent. There was begging, yelling, anything to get me to respond to them. As time went on, it got easier. I heard about little spats between them, and was grateful I had no part in it. What I’ve learned thus far, newsflash, is that boundaries are f*cking hard, necessary, and most of all, ongoing. The most important detail here, is that if you’ve drawn a boundary in a relationship, many wont respect it unless you hold that line, every minute. You repeat yourself, and you reiterate that boundary as many times as necessary. I’ve now gotten to a place where I can recognize manipulation or toxicity, and simply remove myself from the conversation without feeling angry, stressed, or sad, thanks to these boundaries I’ve set with my family.

Family was so incredibly important to my mother, and her kids were her entire world. I’ve spent the past couple of years learning how to not feel guilty about not being able to fill her shoes in holding my family together.

The crossroads I mentioned earlier is the next step in this process. I have a question without an answer. I am at a point where I’ll need to make a decision about how I want to move forward in these familial relationships. Do I want to move forward? When have I tried enough to make things work, so that I can not feel guilty about letting those relationships go? If anybody out there has an answer, I am all ears because I have been stuck on this question for some time now. 

When Ellen and I spoke about what I could write about,originally, I thought I’d go back and look at my diary entries to see if anything was usable from there. Instead what I realized, is that I have a record of my journey. It reminded me of the terribly dark place I was in. My writing was so sad, hopeless, and angry. None of it was about mental health, but rather a total brain dump of everything that I was feeling. Going back and reading my earlier diary entries has shown me how far I’ve come by becoming an active participant in my own mental health. 

All of this to say, is I hope that if you are feeling stuck in sadness, anger, hopelessness, or grief, know that it gets better. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Pushing yourself through those hard moments and learning to sit with those feelings and cope with them is the way I’ve learned to move beyond my grief. 

I took my mom’s ring off about a week ago, and feel like a weight has been lifted. I am happy again.

Please listen: Most of All, Brandi Carlile https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NM-cBJJxXe8

If you wish to contribute to Everyone on the Edge, please send your piece along with a picture to ellenontheedge@gmail.com