Category: therapy

Have the Christmas You Need

Ellen Thomas3 Comments

Festive cheer, merriment and yuletide joy is really not the feeling that is consuming my time at the moment, I have a massive feeling of numbness when looking at peoples social media, flooded with merriment and Christmas activities.

Christmas isn’t alway easy and can be one of the most difficult times of the year for some people, there is an expectation to be happy and jolly and when you’re not feeling like celebrating it can be really hard. It’s also not unusual for your sadness to become accentuated when you’re watching and observing everyone else’s (perceived) happiness!

This year has worn me out on so many levels, and I can feel myself limping towards the finish line, there is something about Christmas which feels almost impossible to opt out of, it’s everywhere. This can make the holiday season feel very isolating and sometimes hard to cope with. Everyone else seems to be getting more and more excited and festive and as their Christmas radar peaks mine appears to have hit rock bottom. There is often an expectation to join in with the buzz of it all, to plaster a smile on your face and get stuck in. I seem to not be able to fully grasp one moment without the reminder that ‘its the most wonderful time of the year’, which of course is not ideal when it feels overwhelmingly substandard and a bit shit.

Now I know that ‘feeling Christmassy’ is not a single emotion, but a combination of situational and subjective goings on and I normally love Christmas (I have been known to get emotional on Christmas morning because ‘its all got a bit much’ and I have felt so unbelievably excited). I am a massive child and will forever hold onto the magic of Christmas, for so many reasons. By this time in December I am usually one to be bouncing off the walls, attending every yuletide event I can get my hands on and revelling in baubles and twinkly lights. This year though, if someone offered for me to skip Christmas, I would take them up on it. I feel a huge surge of “meh” when I think about it. 

Now I know we all have times in our lives where things fall apart. Whatever the situation, whether its grief, illness, life events, mental health…things happen and often they are out of our control. And at the same time annual milestones and celebrations come and go, the world continues to turn even when for you time has ground to a halt. So I am aware that I am not alone, and that this may all appear very over-dramatic. But alas, here we are.

My family and I seem to have been dealt a particularly rough hand this year. Whilst I am grateful for so many things, I do truly feel a little unlucky. I have had events that have cushioned the blow, but this year has overall been probably one of the worst of my life. My mental health has taken the biggest battering and almost completely won me over, my beautiful family has been tested within an inch of their lives, I have had friendships breakdown, my Mum has faced life changing surgery (which is positive and has been needed), that caused anguish and worry for every member of my family, and just to add a little cherry and some colourful sprinkles, I was, about a week ago, involved in a car accident which saw my car written off and me taken to hospital. I am very lucky to be alive, and have walked away with little more than a very achey body and head.

Now I am aware that I should be thankful for these events, in a way. None of them have broken me or my dear family, we have got through it. But there comes a time when ‘enough is enough’. We and I are done with being tested.

So as we crawl towards the new year, I am ready to get through Christmas and be ready for a reason to feel like I can have a fresh start. The phrase “new year, new me’, is universally frowned upon in a society that is placing pressure to live your best life every moment, and a need to transform your life when the clock hits 1200 on 1st January. But this time round, I am hoping for a fresh start, I am SO ready to put this awful year behind me, to forget about it mostly, and try to find more of the good stuff.

I don’t write this with a plan to abandon Christmas, or to avoid celebrating the end of the year completely. I just need a more low key approach this year, I need to not place myself under pressure, I know that. I need to just get through it.

So perfectionism is out, and a low-key “good enough” Christmas, is in. Join me in that if you want to. “Christmas is supposed to be fun and enjoyable — it shouldn’t be at the detriment of your mental health.”

Whilst your Christmas dinner may not rival Nigella Lawson’s, and your gifts might not be original or handmade, in a month’s time I doubt any of that will matter. Taking care of yourself over the festive period might just set you up for better mental/physical and overall health in 2020. Now wouldn’t that be the perfect present.

If you do have a friend/family member/colleague that is withdrawing from social activities this Christmas, try and reduce the urge of screaming “SCROOGE” at the first available opportunity. Christmas is amazing, but can be incredibly difficult for reasons that may not be obvious. So just be careful. Be kind. Be there. And please, please accept the word “no”.

I’m going to take a week or so off from Ellen on the Edge, I think I need to spend some time with my family and definitely need some time to come up with some more blog material. I will be back with you just before we say a big fat “SEE YA” to 2019. I hope you all have the Christmas you need, do what you need to do. It will be fine. And when it’s over, we can all regroup and carry on. No pressure.

Merry Christmas – Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx

I love you, Mumma

Ellen Thomas3 Comments

I’m still a little girl, really. I find adult life extremely hard to deal with and don’t enjoy it most of the time. I yearn for the vulnerability I could rely on when I was younger and am still in need of feeling like I am being looked after. Last year, I decided to dispose of every pair of pyjamas I owned that were not embellished with some sort of Disney character or scene. It became a thing. A very childish thing, but one that I was onboard with (the obsessiveness and intense personality lent itself well to this one). It’s quite sad really, and I know this is a life stage that I will outgrow. But in the past year I’ve felt it more intensely than ever. Depression has sucked some of my independence away and I have found that I need to be home, I need to be safe and I need to be around my Mum.

My mum is the only one who lets me live in a truly vulnerable state. I know her every ounce is committed to motherhood, and I honestly believe she finds it hard to let go of the full committal energy. Some people were just born to be Mumma’s and never really want to give even a little bit of it up. Mine is one of them.

When I became really unwell a few months ago, I know her heart broke. She was consistent in her questioning as to what she could do to help me, she bought me ready salted crisps and full fat coke when I couldn’t eat, she sat with me and stroked my hair, or my feet, or just let me hold her hand. She and my Dad, would probably say that they felt helpless, or that they felt they couldn’t do anything, in all truth… they did everything.

It must be horrendous seeing your child go through mental torture, if your child is physically hurt you can bandage it, take them to a doctor, feed them nice food and soothe them. It’s just not the same with mental illness, nothing can really be done to patch it up and fix it. However what I really wish my loved ones, my parents and especially my mum knew, is that she saved me, she saves me, every single day.

You should really appreciate the people you have close to you, maybe not a Mum in the conventional manner. But the person that keeps you afloat, that goes unrewarded and often unmentioned. Give them some appreciation, they bloody deserve it. And if you’re a Mumma, fucking go you! You’re smashing it every single day, we all appreciate you, we rely on you, our hearts, are made from and rely on you. Please give yourself a break and a bit of self love.

My Mumma went into surgery this afternoon, for a procedure that is going to change her life, for the better. It’s been a long awaited procedure, and she is in so much pain, she desperately needs this. I am and have been terrified. I hate the thought of someone I love being in hospital. I’m selfish and don’t want my Mum to not be able to look after me. I also hate seeing her vulnerable and in pain, it breaks my heart. But I wanted to kick start her recovery, for her to wake up from what I hope will be a very successful operation; by giving her this, an appreciation I guess, a thank you, for supporting me through every illness, but especially this one, for this year, and for every year. An apology for how much of her I have taken, and never given back.

I am often told that I am “just like” my mum, that I’m a “mini Maxine”. Something that I have, consistently rolled my eyes at, and at times not really liked. But I think that’s changing, I hope I am a different person, because no one wants to be a clone. But if I present myself like her, if I show the strength and resilience she has shown, and the willingness to carry on when in so much pain, I should and will take that as a compliment.

So here’s to us Mumma. Thank you, thank you so much for passing me parts of your strong willed, opinionated, kind, extremely loving, generous, emotional, naive, powerful, ambitious, approachable, devoted, punctual, honest and incredibly vulnerable and beautiful personality.

I’m just sorry I didn’t pick up the eloquence.

I love you, Mumma. Get well soon.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx