therapy – Page 8 – Ellen on the Edge

I love my job. Still do. But let’s take it back to July. I was flying high on “new job vibes” having recently been promoted into a new role and in a position that I had wanted to be in for a long time. I was working with a team that included a couple of my best friends and genuinely liking going to work everyday. So I was frustrated when I began to become unwell. But I had to admit that working whilst battling and falling into a bout of severe depression was impossible. I had to stop.

Having been signed off previously I was very reluctant to take a period of time off when I felt myself dipping, but the grips of depression were tugging at me unapologetically. I was starting to lose concentration, make small mistakes, becoming increasingly frustrated and began to break down. Nothing was making sense and normal tasks that I would find easy or able to take on became increasingly hard to contend with. I was going to work and staring at a screen, I was getting through, but mentally, I was in a pit. Having been visibly distressed in work for a few days, and with an extremely caring and unbelievably supportive manager, I was able to have an open and honest discussion about how low I was feeling. I was ordered to make an appointment with my GP, and told to do whatever it was I needed to do to help myself. I was not to worry about work, and I had the full support of my employment, no matter what. Whilst heartbreaking that I may be facing a period of absense, the support of an employer during a time of mental ill health is possibly one of the most valued resources, and something I am so grateful for. I know I’m lucky, and I know this is not a blanket response across employers. But why isn’t it?!

It’s 2019 and I know that society is slowly winning the battle against stigma surrounding mental health. Although these changes have to be celebrated, there is still a long way to go. When taking sick leave to address, recover from or work through a low time in a mental health illness, I have spoken to people who have admitted that they have faked flu or an upset stomach instead of actually telling their boss the truth. I know that people feel that their boss would not take them seriously, or question their devotion to the job.

People suffering through a mental illness should be made to feel secure when requesting sick leave, just as secure as someone with a physical illness. Employers should be aware that mental health conditions are sometimes chronic, and when they have a long-term effect on an employee’s ability to carry out day-to-day activities, its actually classed as a disability under the Equality Act. This means that reasonable adjustments should be made in all cases, so that you can continue working if you’re able to attempt being at work. You shouldn’t be forcing yourself to work, day in, day out, if your mental health isn’t great. Mental health is just as important as physical health, and mental health sick days are just as valid as any day you’d take off for the flu. Please, please remember that.

I’m heading back to work tomorrow. I have been off for over 2 months. I am really looking forward to being back working with my friends. I was considering going back to work 4 weeks ago, but extended my sickness absence following the realisation that I hadn’t felt well for more than 24 hours. I spoke with my GP and continued to have the full support of my manager and employer. I have been struck with the mother of all ear infections in the past 2 weeks which has subsequently made me feel horrendous and drawn out my sickness for way longer than I wanted. Mentally and physically I am now okay and feel that a routine and getting back to work is going to help me continue to recover. I will be going back on reduced/recuperative hours, and I will be taking it easy.

Sickness absence shouldn’t be taken whenever you feel anxious or low, as this is an emotion that can be managed and you need to recognise this. If you avoid work whenever you feel these emotions it can set you up for a pattern of avoidance, making you ultimately unwell and telling your brain that it’s right, things are too scary to overcome. You’ll know if it goes beyond just these emotions though, if you need some help, some time or someone to talk to, you’ll know if something just isn’t right. You might just need some help admitting or accessing the tools to guide you to a place where you might begin to recover. But don’t bury it. Don’t continue to work, it will catch up with you and you may find yourself in a position which you are unable to control.

Take a day, take as much time as you bloody need if you need to work out how you’re feeling, make calls to your GP, rest up, and plan ahead. If you can tell going into work will prevent you from doing that stuff and end up sending you towards burnout, you shouldn’t go in. Work can wait, you can’t, trust me.

Wish me luck tomorrow, but most of all, Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx

I am one of two children and am the youngest, three years my sister, Chloe’s junior and by default carry along with me the label that suggests an array of stereotypes. I will leave you to work your way through them.

A sister relationship is a special bond that no one can break, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t any bumps in the road. The bumps in mine and my sisters journey have been a mixture of funny and serious but we have solidified a rather glorious relationship now we are both in our mid 20s.

Chloe has always been protective of me, for as long as I can remember she has made sure that I was ok first, before sorting herself out, this has sometimes been begrudgingly but I have always taken it, I’ve always taken it without much of a thought and am extremely aware of the attention that I have stole from the whole family for most of my life. Up until Chloe moved out a few years ago, she was quite understated, she lived a very quiet, inspiring yet reserved existence, allowing stresses to wash over her without requiring too much support and standing extremely strong through tough times without so much of a mention of vulnerability. Chloe was the first in my Dad’s side of the family to attend university and overcame a lot of her mental and confidence barriers by moving away, however I still believe that the best thing she ever did was move out of the family home a few years ago. She acquired an independence, confidence and voice that can carry for bloody miles. I am so proud of the person she has always been but seeing her grow in the past 5 years has been one of my greatest pleasures.

I find it hard not living with Chloe, since I turned 18 we solidified a strong relationship that meant we opened up to each other but also could have all of the fun. So when she moved out, and I subsequently moved back from university it gave my whole home life a completely different dynamic. I was pleased for her though, she could finally get away from having a younger sister whom was always going to require and demand the attention.

When I started to slip this year, Chloe was one of the first to notice. She didn’t directly confront me about it, but I knew she knew. We don’t speak everyday, but the girl can read me like a book and notices changes in me that I honestly believe others can’t. She was gently supportive and gave me very slight nudges to take care of myself and maybe slow down. Needless to say this was advise I should have taken earlier than I did.

Chloe found out I had reached a real low with my depression through our mum, she ended up messaging me subtly on a daily basis asking how I was but not placing any pressure on me to reply. We didn’t speak too much and I got through the real lows completely on my own, which I think is the only way you can. She did come to visit me though, she came to visit me and stayed for a weekend, she laid with me, she stroked my hair, she massaged my gross feet and made me glasses of squash even when I didn’t want them. She encouraged me to get outside and made it easy for me to say “I’m not feeling well today”, I opened up to her about how suicidal I had felt and how let down I was by some of my friends. Chloe held my hand, for a long time. She didn’t let go. She made me laugh. She made me laugh for the first time in 3 weeks.

Chloe made me feel that weekend like maybe, just maybe there was a way out of this. That maybe there was some hope. It couldn’t be like this forever.

She left on a Sunday, and she hugged me in a way she never had before, she held me a little longer and a little tighter than she ever had. When I pulled away I noticed that her eyes had glassed over. Chloe didn’t want to leave me, she was feeling the same as always, she wanted to protect me, look after me, and didn’t want me to be hurting. She also let go a bit, she had clearly held on for the weekend, listening to me, taking it in and standing ever so strong, but knowing she had to go, must of hurt.

But again, it’s all been about me. The past couple of months have all been about me.

I worry at times, that I take my eye off the ball with my responsibility to her, that she leads a very stressful life, and she needs looking after just like we all do. Chloe is the most selfless, all forgiving and loving woman, she would give anything to help and most of the time, to a detriment to her own wellbeing. And I hope she realises that without her, I don’t think there would be a me.

I guess this is an open letter to her, to thank her, to acknowledge her. I should do it more. This is to apologise to her for taking more than I should, and to thank her for saving me my whole life, but for saving me wholeheartedly this time. It’s for all of you sisters, friends, mothers, aunties, partners, anyone. Anyone who gives their absolute all to the people they love. Anyone supporting people they love through bad mental health journeys, bad physical health journeys or just bad journeys. Please know you are just completely appreciated, loved and inspiring. You are incredible. But please, most of all, take care of yourselves, reach out to us. You do an unbelievable job of holding the umbrella to protect us from the rain, but please squeeze under too, I promise there is room.

This is for all Chloe’s out there, this is for Chloe the Lifeline.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx