Category: therapy

Talking is Tough

Ellen ThomasLeave a comment

I am relatively open about my struggles with depression (I mean I’m writing a blog about it so…) I do however, have regular periods of being unable to vocalise how I’m feeling. Sometimes I can’t talk at all. You often see messages encouraging people to talk about their mental health, to tell others how they’re feeling. Well-meaning messages often suggest that people who are struggling can reach out for help and list phone numbers that people can ring if they are having a rough time. These messages are all fantastic in principle. The problem is that sometimes, no matter how much we want to, talking about our mental health can be really bloody difficult. Whichever stage someone is at in their mental health journey – whether it’s the first time they are speaking openly about their feelings or they have been talking about them for years, there are times when the words just won’t come out. It’s all well and good to be encouraged to talk about your feelings. But how do you do that if I don’t know how I feel? If the weight of the world is too much to even find the words?

It’s not always easy to work out feelings and emotions. Sometimes it feels like nothing at all – depression can leave me feeling so bloody numb. At other times, I have all sorts of feelings or emotions but won’t be able to identify what they are. It’s not always easy to talk, it’s really not.

I constantly and consistently have to battle with feeling chaotic, overwhelmed, lacking in headspace, sometimes I feel like a bloody bouncy ball being repeatedly thrown against a wall. None of these are things that I would probably class as an emotion or able to properly vocalise, but they’re still feelings aren’t they?

Another limiting fact of the “talking” thing is that unfortunately, I can’t always predict or control other people’s reactions and not everyone is as understanding as I might like them to be. If I’m worried about them responding in any of these ways, I tend to avoid the subject or shut it down as quickly as possible. At the moment I feel like sometimes I’m just not ready to talk to someone about certain things and need to spend more time building up a trusting relationship with them.

I know that I am particularly lucky to feel that I am able to talk about my mental health so openly, but for some people, they may desperately want to talk about their feelings but feel as though they have nobody they can speak to about them. Sometimes when you’re struggling you feel unable to speak to friends or family members. It’s so important for people to be open minded when going into a situation where someone may be finding it hard to talk, and being as normal as you usually are and just listening with patience is the top skill, in my opinion.

If you have access to the money, you might be able to pay for a private counsellor or therapist. Therapists will be able to help you access the tools to vocalise how you’re feeling. Some therapists offer a sliding scale when it comes to the cost of their sessions which can help them to be more affordable for those of with less money available. You should of course visit your GP, who will be able to refer you for talking therapies, you may just have to wait. My employers offered the opportunity to access some counselling. Your HR department or manager if you are in work should know about the types of support available to you, it’s worth looking into. (Really hope you read this before reading my previous blog post “untheraputic” – not an ideal follow up, but I am still a big advocate for therapy).

I know that not everyone finds expressing their feelings easy, and it doesn’t come naturally to a lot of people, throw in some depression and anxiety and you’ve got a perfect reason to not talk at all. I know it’s cliche and I know you’ve read it, but talking does help, you don’t have to shout about it, and you don’t have to tell everyone. Wait until you’re ready, and pull someone you trust. It’s going to take some time for society to catch up and understand that it’s not as easy as just “speaking up”, but we can do our best.

Having a mental health illness is chronically painful and confusing and the more we all talk about it, however long that takes, the faster and easier we will all recover. I honestly believe that. Talking is tough, but you will get there, we will get there.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx

UNtheraputic

Ellen ThomasLeave a comment

Sitting vulnerably opposite someone who claims to be a professional telling you that “you are your problem, you need to change your attitude and just go to the gym, you need to sort of pull yourself together” is not the most therapeutic experience. Fact.

I was accessing therapy through a work based assistance programme, they had matched me with a therapist near me and were funding 6 sessions. I had accessed talking therapy privately last year, successfully, the sessions were tough but they helped and I stuck with it for around 7 months. This was a little different, I had been lower than ever and it took me almost 6 weeks to even entertain the thought of therapy, when I finally got round to setting up an initial appointment following a nudge from my GP, my boss and my family, I was so anxious, I knew it was going to expose some things that I didn’t want to talk about and I knew that it was going to be raw.

Therapy isn’t easy. You should know that. It’s god damn awful to start off with, and you shouldn’t go into therapy if you aren’t ready to talk, you really shouldn’t. However, if done right, therapy should strip you bare, allowing you to dive deep into yourself, before enabling you to build back up, put some things in boxes and help with managing your emotions and moving forward. You shouldn’t expect, in the first few sessions to feel excited or in any way happy about going to therapy. But if you can, and if it’s right (and only if it’s right) stick with it, it will be a rough ride, but a worthwhile one. Trust me.

I went into therapy, this time, dosed up to my eyeballs on medication but just about ready to talk. I felt very vulnerable, anxious and in need of some guidance and a hell of a lot of reassurance, but I knew I would be able to vocalise some of how I was feeling, after 6 weeks of silent turmoil. It was around 10am on a Wednesday morning, the weather was doing its thing and fabulously mimicking how I was feeling by tipping its guts out in the form of torrential rain, I wore loose comfy clothing and shoved my hair up. I sat in my car for 4 minutes before getting out and walking slowly into the building. A jolly man (yeah, he was a bit chubby) asked for my name and told me to take a seat on some very unwelcoming and uncomfortable plastic chairs, the therapist was running a bit late and would be here soon. (Now side step for a moment, sitting awkwardly on an uncomfortable chair and not knowing when your appointment will begin, is enough to possibly make the most healthy person a little uneasy, but me, in that moment…. well I think you get the picture, I digress..) The therapist arrived, apologetically, with around 14 bags for life, and soaking wet. She was an older lady, I’d put her early 60s, with a petite frame, short (sorry but clearly died) blonde hair and a stern face. She rushed through and told me to wait whilst she “set up”. I was growing increasingly tempted to stand up and walk straight out the door, but, alas I stayed. I walked into the tiny room with no windows and sat down on conservatory furniture, she sat opposite me, there were 2 lamps on and the room was cold. I put my hands between my legs, felt my shoulders hunch and we began, “well you can’t judge a book by its cover” I thought as I let her begin talking. It turns out, sometimes you fucking can.

I will spare you too much of the content of my first and second therapy session. I had decided to go back a second time, giving in to my own pressure and thoughts that maybe I was being a little over sensitive to her stern, pressing and cold personality. I came out of the second session feeling much like I did from the first one, overwhelmed, completely beaten and slept for 3 hours. Lowlights of the session included stunning lines such as; “aren’t you worried that your job will be in jeapordy if you don’t go back soon”. The smug smile that adjourned her face made me feel stupid and I came out feeling vulnerable and bullied. Having spoke to those close to me, they were horrified, which was sort of a relief. I never went back.

Therapy is important, and has worked for me in the past, but much like a relationship, you have to have the right connection, you are offloading a very personal and raw side of yourself.

I have, unfortunately, now decided to not find another therapist. I am not ready to have to start all over again and feel quite let down by talking therapy. I hope in the future I build myself back up and find the confidence to talk again. For now I am using alternative tactics; exercising, sitting and listening to the waves and enjoying the sunshine.

Try therapy, do try it. It does work. Please don’t be put off by my second experience. But do make sure you are ready to talk and do not feel that it has to work right away, give it time. And if you don’t feel trust, comfort and reassurance from the professional you are sitting across from. Stop. Don’t make yourself more unwell conforming. Especially if it is next level UNtheraputic.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx