I Really Miss Cuddles

Ellen Thomas1 Comment

I’m a tactile person. Not everyone is a hugger. Hugs can feel awkward or uncomfortable for some people… but I tell you what, not for me.

In the current COVID times, greetings are no longer by handshakes, hugs or kisses on the cheek. An “elbow bump” is the preferred pandemic greeting. (Just FYI, a hug or kiss on the cheek is normally my go too, I have a shit handshake). But either way. It’s not good enough, it’s really painful, I want a BIG FAT CUDDLE.

Our first contact in life is essentially the hug; newborn babies are constantly cradled, nursed and cuddled. (Dream). We are literally born to be huggers.

We are to be honest, principally social creatures, and this need for human contact continues into childhood and adulthood. “Do you need a hug” is a phrase used to comfort people throughout life, as well as break awkward silences, even.

However, over the last few months of not being allowed to hug, I have held on to the memories of the hugs of those I love. My close female friends’ hugs feel so natural. Their bodies fall easily into alignment with mine like puzzle pieces that click together on the first try. I sometimes go in for a tight squeeze when I haven’t seen one of them for what feels like too long. My sister’s hug is quite tight and usually punctuated with a little peck on the cheek, which makes me laugh, and want to cry, every time. My parent’s hugs feel like a welcome home. I could stay in them forever. Lately, I have been trying to feel all of them – as best as I can without actually experiencing them. It’s a bit hard.

My mental health does rely heavily on comfort, fortunately or unfortunately. I am lucky that I seek a lot of this through speaking, through speaking out and chatting with friends. But I have to be honest, a cuddle is what always saves me.

I do know that I will one day hug again outside of my bubble. We all will. I only hope we are not so scarred from our current existence of social distancing, that we become frightened at the thought of giving each other a good old squeeze. I really hope not.

So.. with that in mind… a full on warning to friends and family and perhaps even strangers out there. When I can hug again, I am coming out in full force. I may never sample cheese at the deli counter in Sainsbury’s again, and using a public bathroom will surely take some time, but I am coming in for those hugs – hard and for way too long. You’re welcome.

I really miss cuddles, do you?

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx

New Year, Same You

Ellen Thomas1 Comment

I struggle with New Year, it’s a whole lot of pressure and bloody hard work. The absolute state of the whole “new year, new me” thing is such an accident waiting to happen, for our whole society. What is wrong with the you now, what’s wrong with the old you? Our whole world is feeding into an idea that tomorrow, we must all wake up, be different, be better. Well, fuck them. Don’t be, be the same. Be unapologetically you. Shock them. Let’s all start tomorrow the same as we start every single day… waking up.

Despite all of this, unfortunately/fortunately in years to come, we do collate memories into years, and we do look back on them as a whole.

I know that 2020 has shattered all of our hearts, into tiny pieces. Its been an absolute shit show. A total disaster. But I’ve tried to have a think about some alright stuff… and I’ve managed it… You see, 2020 will forever be the the year I flew the nest, properly. The year I walked 100km and raised £4,000 for a charity that saved my life. The year I persevered with writing. The year I took a big career leap of faith. And as every year, the year that I continued to feel the unrelenting love, support and protection from those around me. I truly don’t deserve it.

It will also always be the year Billy Bipolar finally formally introduced himself, after years of hiding. Sneaky bastard. We really are battling to find our feet together, it’s still a struggle, and I hate it. My world is constantly shattered and built back up again and I feel so alone sometimes. But I am so thankful for a health system that has helped and supported me in getting to know and tolerate him, free of charge, whilst battling a pandemic. What a lucky country we are.

If it’s not helpful for you, try not to overly reminisce, collate memories in the time periods that work for your heart. You do you. It’s been a tough one for everyone, but without sounding patronising.. even when it’s really dark and fucking painful, there will always, always be something to be thankful for, have a think, I promise you it will be there.

So, Happy New Year, I guess, whatever you want it to look like. Please remember that tomorrow is just another tomorrow. It always will be. It’s just another sunrise. I have seen a whole 30 minutes through writing this, irrespective of the date. So have you. Go us.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx