Calm down, Bill.

Ellen ThomasLeave a comment

Ello all! I’d love to say “I’m back” but I don’t think that’s really a thing. After all, not like we can leave our bloody houses anyway, but that’s something for another post. I haven’t written in over a month though, so thought it best to be polite!

I talk about Billy a lot, but am aware that I have only ever written a couple of times about who he is and how he affects me. I’m often asking him to do things in posts, thanking him, and I have I have slagged him off, whole heartedly. He sucks up a lot of attention. Billy, not everyone understands you, so I think I should tell them about when you lull me into a false sense of security.

So I last week I on a bit of a high or “experiencing a period of hypomania” if you want to be posh. I was in a great mood, everything was good, it was bloody great. I couldn’t for a moment seem to stop moving at least one part of my body. People around me may comment “you’re in a good mood, Ellen!” – it’s great. I loved it, but it does start to take its toll. The last few days of last week I began to feel really sick. I didn’t wanted to eat as it felt like I had too much energy as it was, it felt like my body never needed food again. My body was working so quickly that my stomach was literally flipping over.

I’m loud, fact. I get told this most days and am rarely missed coming into a room. Colleagues and friends joke about me not having a volume button and unfortunately, this comes with its own obstacles being an adult at the best of times. However, when Billy is really at his peak, when he is manic, he makes damn sure that I properly embarrass myself, he makes sure that I say things without thinking. Without understanding the repercussions. Now, I have Bipolar 2, so naturally my highs are not euphoric, and for the most part, go unnoticed, even by me. My biggest indicator is my amazon account. When I’m on a high, I go a bit mental, and have been known to receive several parcels a day. This can be problematic.

This time though, I haven’t purchased anything – WIN for my bank account, but I really did feel it at the end of last week. I was EXHAUSTED. I was just going to fast.

I found it a little hard to cope on Friday and at the start of my weekend as I tried to work my way through what turned out to be, a very unpleasant high, in the end. I felt a little overwhelmed and distraught that Billy had once again, struck gold. A couple of friends did offer me support and asked questions like “how does it feel?” – I used the example of a scene in Nanny McPhee (if you’ve never seen it, it’s a great family film, released in 2005 and I would recommend). The scene features a group of unruly children who are chaotic they are TRASHING the kitchen, they are having THE best time. A new nanny (who turns out to be magical) enters the house and approaches the kitchen. Upon refusing to stop misbehaving in the kitchen, and being asked more than once, the nanny bangs her magical stick on the floor. The children are put into fast forward mode. They are doing everything they were doing but 10 times faster, it quickly scares them and becomes painful and tiresome, but they can’t stop until they say “please” to the nanny. This takes time, with everyone really trying to convince everyone to give in. This is exactly what I have felt like last week, like someone had slammed their magic stick, and subsequently; I was walking, talking, acting and thinking way faster than I wanted or could cope with. From an outside perspective it may look enjoyable, or hilarious, but it’s truly exhausting, and I couldn’t seem to slow. I really tried my best to ride it and am lucky to have very supportive people around me who have and continue to cut me a lot of slack. Thank you, you know who you are.

The stick did slam over the weekend, it was quite abrupt, but I managed to not slip too far down. I’m feeling a little more “stable” this week, although, still loud, of course.


Offer support to your friend who is struggling, text them and drop in, ask questions if you don’t understand, they will appreciate you caring, appreciate you trying to understand.

And my god if you’re feeling fast at the moment, I’m so sorry. I’m totally with you. Trust me, it will pass.

Let’s say it together… “Next time, calm down, Bill.”

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx

(If you’re super intrigued and want to understand but haven’t seen Nanny McPhee – type “Kitchen Chaos Nanny McPhee” into YouTube).

Loony Pills

Ellen Thomas1 Comment

I’ve kept every single package from every medication I have taken in the past 17 months, packets of pill filled wonder that help me get through the day (and night) – 77 packets to be exact (just counted them as they fell out of my hand taking this picture, literal shower of loony pill packs… great metaphor there).

I don’t know why I have kept these, I remember telling my mum about it after a few months of taking them and saying that I was going to compile a post about it when I came off them and write about how proud I was. But truth be told, I don’t know if I will ever be “off” them, and I don’t think I will ever feel a sense of pride if I do. You see, these medications have helped, they’ve helped calm me, stabilise me and have enabled me to get through every single day, I’m still here after all. And whilst it’s not all down to a few tablets, at all. It has helped.

Now this isn’t to belittle your celebration if you have come off your tablets, and if you’re proud of it, you do you. You’re in a better place. But I’m talking for those of us who have not only situational mental health problems, but those of us who have illnesses that need to be treated. Take your bow, Billy, it’s all your getting.

Let me put this too you. If someone was taking blood pressure medication or indeed insulin, and they came off it one day “because they felt better” what on EARTH would we say, let me tell you: “YOU MORON”. You see, the reason people get to a place of stability and consider coming off anti-depressants/mood stabilisers/Valium (anything!), is because they are feeling better, they may sometimes even get encouragement to come off them. But I struggle to see why this is celebrated so much when it’s LITERALLY THE THING THAT MADE THEM FEEL BETTER IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I am never shocked when people tell me “oh I’m on that too”, some people struggle with opening up about it, they feel ashamed that they may need a medication to just lift them a little or to help them get through the day, trust me when I say… I honestly don’t give a shit. And that’s whether you take them, or I take them. Would we EVER dream of judging someone for taking a bloody paracetamol for their headache?! It literally helps ease the pain.

Sometimes I do wonder whether medication (in any form) has a placebo effect. But even if it does, what’s the harm. For thousands of years (before unreal medication was introduced) people have literally been dying because they have an illness that people can’t see and so can’t treat.

Let’s celebrate our anti-depressants, mood stabilisers, anti-psychotics, sleeping tablets, Valium, anxiety reducing drugs. Let’s cheer for a world in which we are able to access or watch people access drugs that are literally going to save them. Let’s fucking shout about it.

I’m on loony pills, and I am proud of that. Let’s celebrate that we are loony’s – it’s what makes us, us. And I am sure, no one would want us to be anything else. We are all loved, I promise you that, and at the end of the day, it ain’t loony at all, it’s just a tablet.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx