The Street Lights Dim

Ellen ThomasLeave a comment

Oh hi, sorry it’s been a while. I’m trying not to let Ellen on the Edge become a pressure for me, and as I have said before, utilise it for expressing how I’m feeling. It always works, and so I need to do it now, I need to write. Try keep up with me on this one…

So… I have become obsessed with one of the street lights on my street (bare with me here), it comes on at 17:13 every single night and goes off at about 07:20 the next morning, it’s ever so consistent, but has dimmed a bit recently. I have recognised it to an extent that I feel it too.

You see, the thing is with street lights, the thing with all lights is, they can’t be bright all of the time, they need to be replaced, they need to be recharged. Or sometimes the constant electricity that is running to it just needs a little maintenance. It is impossible for a light to come on, day in and day out, shine blindingly bright, without a little break. Maybe this is something we all need to hear?

Like the street light, I am trying to remain consistent, I am trying to set a routine and make sure that my light comes on every single day, life is terribly consistent sometimes, but for me, consistency becomes a little bit of a struggle – but so does too much change – so all in all, myself and Billy, can’t bloody win.

I’ve been struggling the last week or so, struggling to keep the smile on my face, to light up and therefore to hide how I’m feeling. Which I hate!
I may be wrong, but I think everyone reaches a stage in their life where they need to just slow down, I think we will all, or have all been through tough times, and recovering and reflecting after these times is really bloody important. Something I really need to remember right now. Living a quiet and relaxed existence is my way of doing that. Now, we all have expectations for our lives. Abstract timelines that we formulate in childhood and end up comparing our accomplishments against. We imagine we’ll have our first kiss by 14, graduate University by 22, have our dream job by 25, and be married by 30. Or maybe we planned to travel to a certain number of countries by a certain age, or to have made a certain amount of money. Sometimes life does turn out like we imagined, it feels like everything has just fallen into place at the right time. But sometimes we end up moving at a slower pace, sometimes things go wrong, or things just pause for a little while. I’ve been subject to a lot of change in the past few months, some changes that have been pretty bloody big, and all in all, my life has completely and utterly changed. These are life changes and expectations of where I would be at this age that I have put on myself, and whilst I have achieved them, I don’t think I have allowed myself to process it all. On top of Rona, I think it’s all just starting to catch up with me, and maybe slowing down, and dimming a little, is needed.

A problem is that I am still obsessed with checking social media, viewing other peoples structured realities, and showing me what they want me to see. Come on, let’s admit it, it does consciously and unconsciously make us feel like shit sometimes. That just comes with the territory. But I need to probably take a break, maybe I need to get back into crosswords (a lovely little obsession I had on a high earlier in the year, don’t ask).I am, however, highly aware of how much I share online, and hope that me sharing my struggles gives other people a bit of hope. I like to think I share the true stuff (I mean I mainly share to try to seek a bit of reassurance or to reach out), but I hope no one ever looks at Ellen on the Edge and feels anything negative. If you do, please don’t read it, you are worth so much more than that. I don’t want your streetlight to dim because of me – or because of anyone.

I am hoping that my brain lets up a little soon, I am struggling to sleep, yet constantly tired and fear that I am not truly taking care of myself, I really am trying my best (Mum, don’t worry), but I have just hit a bit of a hump, me and the streetlight outside are just dimming at the moment, I think it all just feels bigger than it truly is. I don’t know whether my writing is ever going to be helpful to anyone, I have no idea. As I always say, it helps me and to be honest, I know I’m not the prime example for “things will always get better” – Billy Bipolar makes sure of that. But I hope I am able to communicate, maybe what you can’t? That we all struggle, that we are all here, and we need to be heard. And that just sometimes, we are just sad, we are struggling, we are tired, we need to recharge, we need a bit of a break and possibly a bit of maintenance. Remember the street lights outside your house dim, too.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx

Take It Off When You Get Outside

Ellen ThomasLeave a comment

Mate, I know we are all keeping each other safe, but I am so over this mask thing. It’s making my skin flare up, its uncomfortable and sometimes is making me feel really anxious. I am not in a position where I would be exempt and I am all over the safety thing. But I am so sick of not seeing people smile, and feeling a little silenced.

It has all got me thinking about how much, we are sometimes feeling silenced without a mask, we keep things in. We aren’t able to speak. We tell people what we want to tell, but no one actually knows what we are thinking, what we really want to say or what is going on inside our brains. I know I say this a lot, but I am as honest as I can be. Ellen on the Edge has given me a voice, one that I don’t think I would have found without the encouragement of my Dad a year ago. I know, now, that I am not alone, and responses and reactions to my writing have proven that we all feel all of the things sometimes. Nevertheless, it makes me so sad, that some people (including me) are feeling like we are in a position where we can’t be truly honest. This is completely natural, and we are conditioned as humans to be inside our own heads.

We are all aware that we have 2 voices… the one that’s in our heads, and the one that we actually use. Our internal and external voices are ways of understanding and communicating who we are to ourselves and to others. When our voice is stifled (by ourselves, or someone else) if can be difficult to have a full sense of who we are and what we are about. Silencing our voices can unintentionally involve shutting pieces of ourselves down from emerging. It keeps parts of ourselves clear from exposure to judgment and rejection from others, but at the same time keeps these parts of ourselves removed from our own view as well. Also, our voices contain our needs, they are literally there to get stuff out. How we communicate with others about what’s essential to our satisfaction and what helps fulfill us as human beings is all in our voice. If our voice is shut down, it’s likely that our needs are marginalised, and maybe even out of our own awareness as well. This can become bloody frustrating over time. I am not saying that it’s imperative that we all shout about how we feel all of the time, but maybe it will help to use our voices a little more?

Now, in the present, the feeling of vulnerability and fear of rejection that comes along with trying to bring out your voice after so many years of experiencing a feeling of shame is almost automatic. It can make it incredibly hard to allow yourself to trust your voice and, as a result, end up shutting down. Our voices can end up in the background much of the time, leaving us bottling frustration until the resentment builds to the point it can’t build any further. Thats when we burst. When we completely collapse, and when we won’t be able to cope anymore.

I’ve been amazed how many of my friends, colleagues and family have been through or are going through the same things (something I didn’t properly understand before I recognised I had an illness), is such a real and disruptive part of life for so many people. We can’t be silent about it, we can’t blame ourselves or keep it hidden because it makes everything worse, for the people living with it right now and for everyone who might in the future, we’ll all benefit from a world where no one feels afraid or ashamed to talk about mental health.

We all have to continue to wear our masks – but we need to make sure we aren’t being silenced by a bit of material, or by anyone. We are all going through stuff, and if we all spoke a bit more, we might find that we aren’t as alone as we think we are.

Wear your mask, but take it off when you get outside, take your metaphorical mask off when you can, smile at people, use your voice. Open up, use both of your voices. I promise, whilst it won’t take anything away, it might just get it out of your own head. We all feel you. You got this.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx