We Are Not Brave

Ellen ThomasLeave a comment

“That is so brave of you to tell people that you have broken your leg”

“You have a bad back? God, I don’t think I would be able to tell people that”

“It takes so much courage to announce that you have an ear infection!”

Sounds weird? Right?!

Now listen, before you read this, you should know that I am in by in no means being ungrateful for the amount of support I have received, or how it has come to me, or shunning anyone who has EVER reached out. I appreciate it more than you will ever know, but please, just hear me out here; when I talk about how I don’t feel brave talking so openly about Billy, and why none of us should.

It’s normal to talk about. It’s healthy. It’s responsible. It’s not fucking brave.

Talking about stuff in your brain is no different than talking about stuff going on with any other body part. Talking about improving your mental health and fitness is no different than talking about improving your physical health and fitness. Swapping techniques on how to do difficult exercises is the same whether it’s a CBT exercise or a running distance. It’s all about health.

Speaking about mental health isn’t brave. It’s the stuff happening in your brain. Your brain is an organ. It’s a fact. It’s happening. Big deal. It’s nothing special to talk about. People like me who spend all of their time talking about mental health are really just the mental health equivalent of that sweaty guy at the gym in a tank-top that won’t stop talking about gainz. I don’t think anybody would tell that guy he’s so brave for speaking openly about his biceps.

So not only do I think it’s weird when people say that speaking openly about mental health or mental illness is brave, but I also think it’s stigmatizing. After a little bit of time speaking openly about mental health issues, I would say that’s the only stigma I’ve encountered. It’s stigmatizing because you’re going up to somebody and telling them the thing they’re doing is risky and dangerous, that it’s not a normal thing to do. And that’s what stigma is all about—labelling something or somebody as separate and abnormal.

When somebody says something is brave, they’re reacting to their own fears and judgments. They think it’s scary and they dump that fear on you and expect you to carry it as well. Telling somebody that sharing a story is brave is like saying, “Wow, I wouldn’t have done something as dangerous as picking up that grenade and throwing it away. You could blow your hand-off and get shrapnel in your eye.”

At first, when I would hear people say that being open about mental health challenges was brave, I thought those people were just being silly—these stories aren’t grenades, they’re not dangerous to handle. They’re just stories about things that happened and things I do. It’s like narrating my grocery list for the week (lots of pringles, lots of chocolate). But now I think of it in a slightly different way: now I’ve accepted that some of these stories might be grenades. They might not seem dangerous to me because I know how to handle them and have practiced handling them. But to others they could be dangerous. But that still doesn’t make it brave, it’s just responsible. There’s something dangerous lying around and I know how to pick it up and dispose of it, so I do. It’s a thing we can all do because we don’t want others to get hurt by that grenade. We could run away from it, but somebody else might just stumble on it and not be as fast or as experienced as us. So throwing it out of the way is something we do, because we can. It’s common sense, not courage. Privileged, not risky. Maybe there’s danger involved, but there’s danger in everything, and that’s why we practice and we have the support of other grenade throwers, other people willing to speak up and practice grenade throwing alongside us (people like you).

If we want it to be normal to talk about mental health, we have to start treating it as normal. If we want to see less stigma around mental health, that starts with ourselves and making it normal in our lives.

If honesty about something so common is dangerous, we need to practice honesty about mental health more, so that we’re capable of handling the risk. If it’s truly dangerous, avoiding it will only make it more dangerous.

From what I’ve seen so far in the real world, professionally and personally, most people are super excited to have somebody around that can identify mental illness grenades lying nearby and throw them out of the way so they don’t explode in anybody’s face. I definitely prefer to be around people who can recognize something nasty and pick it up and throw it out of the way and create something more awesome in its place.

Please, go forth and do incredibly normal things like talking about the actions you take each day to maintain and improve your mental health.

Flex those biceps and hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx

We’ll Get Through Our 20s

Ellen ThomasLeave a comment

I bring you, below, a post not relating to the C-Word, it’s taken me a while… but it’s also just… what I suddenly had the urge to write about. Hope you enjoy/can bear it.

So, I have several co-workers and friends who are 10 years my senior and up and at some stage, separately, they have offered me the same advice: It gets better. It gets easier.

Will it though, will it. I am 25 years old and so by default, I imagine am going to be faced with a massive eye roll as this is read. “You are only half way, you don’t know what could happen” – mate, I don’t, but if the past 5 years is anything to go by, I think the below kind of makes sense. Bare with me on this one, and if you can bare it, do read on.

Namely, being in your twenties is often confusing and lonely, not for everyone, but I think in this day and age, from some peoples perspective, this is the consensus. Regardless of our professional or personal achievements, we are still considered by others to be “kids,” especially before we marry and have children.

I think, part of what makes this time (and the whole decade, for that matter, or at least mine so far, can’t really talk from experience when I am only half way through) so infuriatingly depressing is that we think we should be happier than ever. The world almost wants you to believe that these are the years in which you are the most young, wild, and free. But it should be the opposite way around.

I think it’s a tumultuous time (big word alert), and rarely does anyone admit this. I mean, think about it. For basically the first time in our lives, we are going it completely on our own. Your family might have recently (or not recently) cut you off financially, or you might want to “make it” on your own without any support, and therefore cut yourself off. We are stressed out balancing our finances, and are shocked that just being alive can cost us this much money.

You may have moved to a new place, where you don’t know anyone at all, or you may be living where you’ve always lived, but are trying to make a new beginning. And for those of us still living in our parent’s house, it’s still not easy. The “rules” have changed, our relationship with our parents has changed. We are trying to be independent while we are simultaneously somewhat dependent.

No matter your living situation, it’s all complicated, and it’s all a bit messy. And because there’s no manual or guide to how to get through your twenties, a lot of us are honestly just faking it until we make it.

I mean, at this stage, if you’re at a similar stage to me, you have probably also started your first or second real big girl (or big boy) job, and you’re going through the the process of attempting to be a fully functioning “young professional,” with all of the young professional qualities you think you should be possessing. We wake up early, do our hair, brush our teeth, and then realise that the top we put out the night before has mysteriously vanished overnight. Adulting at it’s finest.

And then, to make matters worse, there’s the social scene of our twenties. There’s the battle of whether or not to go out, whether to get tipsy or hammered if/when we do go out, or whether to just stay home, catch up on Netflix, and eat chocolate ice cream and drink pink gin. And if we do pick the latter option; how are we ever going to meet people? How will we make friends? How will we find someone to date?

This takes us to the other battle faced often by us twenty-something year olds. This battle is known as the wonderful world of modern day “dating.” The world of hooking up, hanging out, ghosting, tinder-ing, dating, getting married, and just (the worst of all) “chilling.” As soon as you start doing something with a new guy, all of the questions flood your brain. Is he looking to hook up or is he basically ready to be engaged? Is he “chilling” with other girls? Is he dating other people? Is this serious or casual? It’s also rather complicated when half of your friends are sticking to hook ups, and the other half are engaged. And then there are the few that already have two kids and a husband. How do they already have a whole family, when we are still figuring out if our new shoes are work appropriate. The moral of the story is, and what I am sticking with is, be careful out there. It’s a dangerous anxiety-provoking dating world.

And the cherry on top of the cake: you’re potentially going to struggle with crippling mental health issues and the lesson, in bold writing… you’re going to be lonely in your twenties…this is pretty much a fact.

But no worries, it’s normal. You might not be living with many (or any) people, like you did in University. Great. You won’t always have someone to run every single decision by. We have to let our complicated, wandering brain take us to (hopefully) the right conclusions. It’s on us to make our decisions on our own, and to trust that we are capable of making these decisions. Basically, in our twenties, we are knocked right out of our cozy little nest, left to fend on our own with underdeveloped wings and a very uncertain little mind.

So essentially, at some point in your twenties, you should expect to face your quarter life crisis. *** MASSIVE HIGH FIVE – MINE TURNED UP JUST ON TIME ***. So, if it’s any consolation, it’s not just you. You are certainly not alone. Yeah, sure, I know everybody else looks like they have it all together…but you’re just looking at their Instagram. You’re seeing all of the photoshopped moments. They probably aren’t eating gourmet cupcakes every single day at work. Their beautiful body-building boyfriend probably isn’t quite as perfect as he looks (at least not 24/7). Their hot photos of their night out in London look amazing, but they are still most likely waking up hungover and headachey, freaking out about their work meeting the next day. You see, the truth is, and what I am quickly coming to realise, is that nobody has it all together in their twenties. It’s just not possible.

It is hard. We forget to reassure each other that it’s okay to be struggling. We aren’t reassured that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed, and that it’s completely normal to feel lost, especially when we are trying to figure out so many things. Our twenties are basically our second adolescence. You are changing literally every minute of every day. It’s like facing puberty a second time, but this time, it’s the adult kind of puberty. We already have the bra and tampons, now we have to find the money and the job.

Being in our twenties is hard, but we make it harder by making everything so bloody complicated. The truth is, we are not going to love everything we do. We are not going to be good at everything we do. We aren’t going to like ourselves everyday, and we are not always going to be proud of the decisions we make. We will face some more than shit times. So make peace with this. Accept this. Then live it up. Because we will learn. We’ll be okay. We’ll get through our 20s, and then moan about being 30. Horray.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx