Big Changes

Ellen Thomas2 Comments

Every blog post I have posted in the past couple of years has started with the fact that I have not posted in a while. I am sad I haven’t, but I have always said I know when it’s right and wont ever force my writing. I write when I need to, I have never bought into the posting once a week. It doesn’t achieve anything, and as I have said before, this has always been for me; with an added bonus that it sometimes resonates with people.

I suppose I am posting right now because I am struggling a bit. My life has changed dramatically recently. Everything I had planned for my future has suddenly changed. It was a choice that I made, and one that didn’t come easy, but nevertheless one that I made for myself.

It’s funny how life can change in an instant, without any warning. One moment, you’re in a routine, comfortable, and almost certain about the path you’re on, and the next, it feels like that path splits in two. And suddenly, you’re standing at a crossroads, unsure of what to do next. That’s how it felt when I found myself needing to let go of something I never thought I would have to.

I always imagined when I was in my teens, that by the time I hit 30, I’d have it all figured out. My career would be solid, I’d be financially stable, and I’d be living in my own place, probably with a few plants and a cozy sofa, married and have children. But life doesn’t always go according to plan. I have a stable career. But financially stable is something I have never been, I can barely keep my cheese plant alive, my sofa is in a storage container, and marriage and children now feel like a long way off. So basically, I found myself, a few months ago, packing up my stuff and moving back home to my parents’ house.

Let’s be clear: I never expected to be in this situation. It feels like a plot twist in my adulting story. But as I’ve settled in, I’ve realized that this move doesn’t mean I’ve failed—it’s just another chapter in my journey. Moving back home has been a mix of surprising perks and difficult adjustments. I am extremely lucky to have parents that are unbelievably forgiving and so supportive.

I don’t have a neat conclusion to this short story about what’s been going on with me, because, honestly, I’m still figuring it out. But I’ve come to realize that life, is constantly shifting, evolving. It’s okay to not have it all figured out. I’m learning to trust myself in this new space, to embrace the unknown, and to understand that it’s okay to let go of something that doesn’t align with who you are anymore.

In time, I’m hopeful that the things I let go of will make space for new growth, new experiences, and new connections—things I can’t even begin to imagine yet. But for now, I’m learning to sit with the discomfort, to honor the journey, and to trust that change, however difficult, is often the very thing that leads us toward the life we’re meant to live.

If you feel this, I am sorry, but also, we got this. You got this.

Hang in there. 

Ellen on the Edge xx

Adulting

Ellen Thomas1 Comment

Romantic comedies are one of my favourite types of movies, but I’ve started to realise how unrealistic their main characters are. They spend all this time falling in love, and of course, have spare time to exercise, cook ultra-healthy meals, work 50 hours a week for their big promotion, have budding social lives, travel…the list goes on and on.

IT’S A LIE.

I mean… the absolute worst thing that happens to people is quite literally aging.

I mean it is for some people. I am a part of that group. In my opinion, I think that adulting just quite literally sucks balls most of the time.

I know there are perks, and for a middle class, white woman I am extremely privileged. I have a roof over my head, a stable job and can afford to eat. I can do what I want, ultimately.

However, there’s just the issue of being an adult. And just because society has dubbed me the title of adult, does not mean I am being an adult.

We have to learn how to manage time and we all know that it is hard sometimes. We have to be able to go to work, do all our chores, socialize and still be able to get enough sleep, and it’s fucking harder than the rom coms suggest. At this point, I already accept procrastination as a friend that I have to follow until the end.

We have to do things by ourselves. We cannot, no matter how much we try, depend on our parents forever. We have to pay for everything, by ourselves. We have to learn how to cook, think about what to cook EVERY NIGHT, pay bills and clean the kitchen 59 times a day because quite literally making a piece of toast makes it look like a bomb has hit it.

I have been struggling so much with all of this lately, I have found it so overwhelming, all of a sudden. I just can’t keep up. About a month ago I went back to my parents for a night… I went home. I cried to my Mum and Dad about how hard I was finding adulting, about how I wish, I could go back, to not necessarily being a toddler or even a young child, but to being a young adult, a teenager. Being looked after and just being a bit more care free. It really devastated me, and for a night, I just wanted to be my parents child. 

Why is there just so much to do CONSTANTLY when you have to be independent?! It’s suffocating at times and the only thing you can do is move on, get used to it, and grab hold of the pleasures of being an adult. I know that in the end you just have to learn to do everything yourself and move on with your life. Life will never feel like easy leisure like it was when you were a kid, and it for sure will never feel like a rom com, but I suppose being an adult does mean that you can create your own little bubble, and decide what adulting looks like for you. And I have to just accept that it’s alright sometimes.

I guess what I am trying to say, is that I feel it’s okay to mourn being a teenager, being a child or just being young. Adulting is fucking hard mate. (I know that being a teenager at the moment involves way more pressure than it did when I was), but I still think it must be easier, right? And I guess thinking that is also ok?

I guess most of all, I just really wish I did not take watching Tracy Beaker every afternoon for granted.

Hang in there adult, we haven’t got this, but we haven’t got this, together.

Ellen on the Edge xx