Read Until You Can’t Read No More

Ellen ThomasLeave a comment

Winter: that time of year when the sun only pops round to see you off to work and leaves before you can cancel your dinner plans. It has always been a bit of a weird time for me. When the clocks go back on that insignificant October day and the night crawls in much earlier, the woeful and dampening winter spirit takes hold. Winter blues really aren’t so blue: grey is a much more apt colour for the mood. I definitely suffer from seasonal affective disorder to a certain extent and I think we all do a little. It’s a form of depression that usually takes hold in the winter months, and although I had major summer depression episode this year, and I know now that I actually have Bipolar 2 Disorder (which does include major depressive episodes), I feel the colder weather and gloomy days make life just that tiny bit more difficult.

Enter THE BOOK, stage left.

Picture this; your sitting on the sofa and you’re had a pretty shit day, you’re watching the TV, you’re watching a programme you love, but you’re also looking at your phone, scrolling through endless social media content, you’re also thinking about that work meeting you have tomorrow. Basically, you are thinking about everything, you are unable to actually focus your attention on one thing, and probably not getting any enjoyment out of it at all. I have found on tough days, that I have really struggled with watching television, when my mind is going a bit crazy, its only provided more noise, nothing else. Now, listen, books… they provide a form of escapism that is more intense than in any other artform. With a film or TV show, you’re given the visuals whereas with a novel you’re inventing them yourself, so it’s always going to be a much more powerful event, because you’re involved, you’re creating that picture. And unfortunately (massive fortunately) you can’t really concentrate on much else, you have to read every word, you have to read the whole page to create the visuals, you are taken away, and I defy many people to be able to think about much else than the words they are reading when reading a book properly.

When I properly immerse myself in a good old book, I can be swept away to a world that is separate from mine, I separate myself from the dilemmas or stresses I might have. Certain books have also helped me in realizing that I am not alone in a lot of things I have gone through, which in some ways has timed a focus for a healing process of recognising what others are also going through.

I have spent most of my weekend reading, I needed it. Some people like being constantly busy. They hate being bored. And for some people, I know that reading would not be stimulating enough. Other people like having downtime. They get stressed out when they cannot slow down and have time to themselves. I think I am very much the latter, and in the past few months have become dependant on real downtime. I decided midweek that this weekend, I would switch off (that’s what they call it isn’t it?), I turned my phone off and have spent time reading, drinking coffee and surrounded myself with candles. Completely typical and so cliche, but totally necessary. I have had periods of struggling to write lately and I knew that if I buried myself in words other people had written, I might be able to write something myself. And here we are. Writing about the very thing that I knew would get me writing.

I urge you to read, its the kind of therapy that I cannot explain, and when you find a book you enjoy, you can be transported, temporarily out of your own head for a little while. Now, people often feel pressured to read the so-called classics, even when they don’t enjoy them. Sometimes we read these to fit in, to impress people, or to seem smarter. The truth is that not everyone enjoys the classics, and when you’re getting into reading, high-brow and complex novels can be tough — even more so if it actually bores you. Instead, read something you actually enjoy, even if it isn’t regarded as a “great” book. I am telling you now that people need to let go of the snobbishness around books. Read romance. Read biographies of reality stars. For heck’s sake, read something you love — because that’s the best way to motivate yourself to read. Life is too short to read books you don’t actually like. Heck, read your way through my blog – that might be enough for you, ey?

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx

Some personal favourites (if you need something to get you started);

Reasons to Stay Alive – Matt Haig
Notes on a Nervous Planet – Matt Haig
It’s Not Ok Feel Blue (and other lies) – Scarlett Curtis
Mad Girl – Bryony Gordon
The Salt Path – Raynor Winn
Breaking and Mending – Joanna Cannon
This is Going to Hurt – Adam Kay
Everything I Know about Love – Dolly Alderton
The Little Big Things – Henry Fraser
Remember this when You’re Sad – Maggy Van Eijk
Blue – John Sutherland
I am, I am, I am – Maggie O’Farrell
Normal People – Sally Rooney
The Rosie Project – Graeme Simsion
Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine – Gail Honeyman

The Weight of Tiredness

Ellen Thomas1 Comment

The exhaustion I have felt recently has been like nothing I have ever experienced. My head is foggy; my thoughts never seem to quite finish themselves. Searching for an answer to a question, or trying to remember how to do something I do on the daily, like making a cup of tea, can at times, feel like mentally wading through treacle. My eyes sting and keep trying to close. I seem to have a consistent piercing headache. Every single one of my muscles aches, including muscles I didn’t even know I had. Each of my limbs feels as though my bloodstream has been replaced with lead. Everything hurts. Standing, sitting, lying down… all of it feels too hard. It all feels like my body needs more support. Sound, light, smells, tastes and things we touch can all feel too much – almost, at times, as though they’re attacking me. The world just feels a bit fuzzy or furry, particularly around the edges.

Despite all of this, I will keep trying to do all of the things I feel are expected of me. Not by anyone externally, as I know I have support, but mostly expectation of myself. I have been getting frustrated with myself for not being able to do things to the same standard as I’d be able to achieve if I didn’t feel exhausted. This frustration then fuels my day, and leads to yet another broken nights sleep. I have still been able to work and am still determined to live my life normally. But everything has been a bit of a struggle.

Sleeping in general has been a little frustrating lately. When I try to go to sleep my mind begins to race. It doesn’t seem to end when I’m asleep, either. My dreams can be full of anxiety, taking twists and turns that we don’t want to watch or experience. And I have found that I wake up regularly during the night, sweating, shaking and feeling breathless. When morning finally comes around I often feel as though I haven’t slept at all. It’s exhausting.

Now I know that this is a major side effect of my mental health problem and that symptoms are persistent and pervade all aspects of an individual’s’ life. This is knowledge I have, knowledge I have gained and I have a full awareness of every side effect I think I could ever have, yet it still bothers me – to the extent of making me god damn miserable.

I do know that parts of my sleep routine have changed massively in the past couple of years, and that I am now affected, at night by things I never was. A year ago, I would stress if there was even a speck of light in my room, if a TV light was on, or I could see a streetlight through the top of my curtains, I would be up, turning it off, masking it or covering it up. I grew an inability to be able to sleep in this atmosphere mid way through last year however, and have not been able to sleep without a light on ever since.

Now I have invested in a lot of gadgets, gismos and natural remedies in the past year, anything that states it may calm, clear my head or help me get to sleep has had my attention. My night light is my top. However, I had been seeing weighted blankets pop up in my social feeds for ages, boasting “the best nights sleep” and was extremely intrigued at the concept. Like most things, I had undertaken a lot of research into the benefits of this “heavy blanket”, so when Remy Sleep got in contact with me and I was able to get my hands on one, I was extremely excited. Maybe I would FINALLY be able to get some proper rest. Please let this work!

Now, let me tell you, it is bloody heavy, mine weighs 8kg but there are 3 different weighted blankets depending on your weight (Remy have also just launched a junior weighed blanket for children!). Unboxing it was a mission.

Before I let you know how I got on with mine, let me tell you a bit about the whole thing. Weighted blankets are exactly what they sound like… really heavy blankets. They are apparently said to have many benefits, including increased serotonin, decreased anxiety, and reduced restlessness. Weighted blankets work along the same theory as baby swaddling. The blanket simulates a warm, comforting hug, which in theory helps calm the nervous system. The weight can also mimic deep-pressure touch, which supposedly can aid in pain relief. The equal distribution of weight provides a gentle downforce on the body, which may deter pain-flaring movements in sleep. The theory is that the deep pressure you feel from being under all of that weight has a calming effect. Anything that’s gonna swaddle my like a baby, and calm me down a bit, is something I have got a bit of time for, you get me?

I was a bit pessimistic, worrying I would get too hot, or that the weight would kill me (dramatic), but when I slipped under the blanket, I felt like I was wrapped in a cocoon, as if the blanket were hugging me. Although it was possible for me to shift onto my side, the blanket was definitely more snug than my regular duvet, and I felt like it encouraged my body to stay still. Normally, I’m pretty restless in bed, and the act of moving around makes my mind wander. But, because I couldn’t physically move as much, I noticed that my thoughts weren’t racing as much either. I was able to just focus on the present, and that made it easier to fall asleep. I didn’t wake up once in the middle of the night, which is very rare for me and after 7 hours of solid sleep, I felt so refreshed that I genuinely felt like a new woman.

A week or so on, I am still waking up in the middle of the night, but I fall back asleep faster and more easily. I don’t know whether the blanket provides all those benefits or if I’m sleeping better by coincidence or placebo effect. For now, I will continue to use the blanket because the results so far have been promising, at least for me. I am just relieved that I am finally getting some sleep. Everything isn’t hurting. Standing, sitting, lying down… all of it feels a little easier. Sound, light, smells, tastes and things I can touch are suddenly feeling less overbearing I am not feeling attacked. And it’s almost like… The world just feels a bit less fuzzy or furry.

If you are going to try a weighted a blanket, keep in mind that they can get pricey. But if stress, mental health struggles, a mile-long to-do list and funneling caffeine to get through the day is the battle you’re fighting, if the weight of tiredness is getting to you, a weighted blanket may just help you put those sleepless nights behind you.

If you are struggling to sleep at the moment, I am sorry, its bloody awful, but do give yourself a chance, possibly consider just riding it for a little while and maybe invest in something, doesn’t have to be a blanket, but something. Do your research! It might just be your golden ticket to the Land of Nod!

Sweet dreams, when they come darling.

And of course, Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx

** With special thanks to Remy Sleep. They are currently offering a further 10% discount on all orders from their website when you enter the code: ‘ELLENONTHEEDGE10’ at the check out. You can shop their Weighted Blanket Selection here: REMY SLEEP **