What’s love got to do with it?

Ellen ThomasLeave a comment

It’s bloody Valentines Day. Joy. You know what, I actually like the sentiment and that you can celebrate the day by acknowledging your love for someone, however in my opinion there shouldn’t have to be a named day for that. I hear you though, and I promise I am not bitter. I am single, so I am immediately inclined to hate Valentines. I don’t. I get it. And have celebrated it with partners before, it just so happens that for the last few, I have been single. I am a big advocate for the whole “trying not to dwell on it too much”, because to be truthful, I honestly believe that if you would like a partner, if you really do want a relationship, you can find someone rather quickly. Not saying it’s right or who you need. But you’ll find one. Settling is the new happily ever after. But it’s not for me.

I mean, I went to university… we all know the story. One of the most fun things about having a wild early twenties is telling stories from my wild early twenties, I am very aware that I am now only just hitting mid twenties, and so only just at an age where I am socially allowed to have a period of reflection. However, people like hearing the stories, people who have never experienced spending the majority of any given week drunk, living from a diet solely of pasta, and using sex as an ice-breaker. They enjoy vicariously living your lifestyle through an insulating layer of nostalgia and gallows humour. Yet this enjoyment, this entertainment that is gained from hearing these stories always seems to precede a question like; “So… Why haven’t you got a boyfriend, Ellen?”

I mean, in the nicest way possible… Get fucked mate. How the hell is anyone meant to answer that question?

I wouldn’t say that it is a choice of mine to be single. I mean… I’m not actively dating, or desperately searching for someone, but part of that is due to the fact that right now, it’s taking most of my willpower, attention and strength to entertain getting through the day calmly. And so entertaining the permanency or temporary permanency of someone who doesn’t quite understand that I am not really that well, is a “nah I will pass on that one” type vibe. I think I’ve entertained an independent space for quite a long time, my personality doesn’t appear to lend its self to anyone who wishes to stick around long enough for me to actually have anything that really resembles a full blown long-term romance.

I of course, have had boyfriends, but bar a couple, they have all been absolute bellends. So I don’t think I really have too much valuable experience to be able to comment on the whole “being in a relationship is so great for your mental health” thing. My parents have been together for 28 years. They occupy a relationship that is stable and commitment filled, they laugh together and have unrelenting amounts of respect and care for each other. They have never been overtly romantic but my sister and I have always known that they love each other. That is just the way it is, and unfortunately for me, I think I strive for exactly this, in a world that is consistent in throwing any old heartbreaking and time-wasting shit into my life.

This isn’t a pity party by the way, so if you have purchased presents, do get a refund.

Now listen, because bouts of Billy can severely affect my ability to get up in the morning and live my life as normally as practically possible, it can make dating — something that literally requires me to function pretty well — a little bit of a challenge to deal with, on even the best of days. Dating also of course, means allowing yourself to be vulnerable, to risk disappointment and rejection. Dating when you’re struggling carries the added burden of figuring out when and how much to reveal about yourself to the person you’re dating. To tell or not to tell. Dating is already very much an emotional minefield on a good day. None of us are exempt from that rush of nerves and excitement, elation and rejection, from the moment you swipe right or catch each other’s eye, to the agonising wait for that post-date text. And I guess sort of weirdly, I used to and probably still would get a massive buzz out of it. But when you’re affected by a mental health problem, those highs and lows can be all the more intense. And intense is an emotion I am desperately trying to avoid.

So… can you see why I may be trying to avoid it right now, and why the whole being on my own thing is working out quite well? I do believe that things happen for a reason and that I will find someone or not find someone when the time is right, I am meant to be on my own for however long I’m meant to be on my own for. But I do desperately wish that people would understand more, and that the whole “I miss being single” or “You’ll find someone” phrases would be extinguished. I don’t need pity, mate. Whilst it isn’t my choice, its also not really too much of a big deal. I do really want to be a Mum and believe that one of my life purposes is to have children. Unfortunately for me, that’s not quite going to happen until I do find love, but until that time, what’s the rush I guess? When it happens, it will happen, but I have plenty of other things to occupy my time. I am on route to spend my weekend with the platonic loves of my life and am feeling extremely satisfied and excited about that. Happy Love Day, to all of you, love however you want today, because to be honest… what has romantic love got to do with it, you get me?

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx

Welcome, Billy.

Ellen Thomas2 Comments

So, I’m back, I mean, I haven’t really gone anywhere but… I guess, I’ve not really known what to do with myself the last couple of weeks, I have felt a bit dissociated and haven’t been able to write. I have thought quite long and hard about whether to write this, but I fear that if I don’t get it out there, I may not be able to carry on writing. And even more importantly, why the hell shouldn’t I get it out there, some of you need to hear this… so… *takes a deep breath* here goes. Let’s talk about Billy.

Billy has been with me for like… forever. I think he has been around since I was a young child, he kind of quietly sat there, not really making himself known to me, but has always made sure that I have felt things really bloody strongly. I have always been an extremely emotional, expressive and passionate person, and in some ways, I guess I should probably thank Billy for that. He has made sure that I have been through a lot in my short time on earth though, he has made me keep secrets and at times, made sure I am really scared and confused. Billy has made sure I have had bad days, or quite a few bad days, and I now know that he will ensure I will have a LOT of bad days in my future.

Billy has now, made himself known. He isn’t going to go away and he isn’t some phase that I am going to go through. You see, Billy is in my mind, he is sort of a disease I guess. A bit like Diane (Diabetes) is a disease and she affects you physically. Billy affects my brain and is going to continue to be very unpredictable. Fab, ey?

So… Billy Bipolar. Welcome. You fucking asshole. You have made a lot of stuff make sense, but I am unsure of how our relationship is going to pan out. I feel all of the things about you. I guess a sort of relief, a sort of anger, but I know I need to get to know you a lot better, and I definitely need to begin to teach others about your pesky ways. I am attempting to not panic that you are there and I know we have a lot of work to do to ensure that we work together as best as we can. I know we are about to enter a battle, an argument, an absolute relationship test, one that’s going to last forever. Sometimes I know you’re going to make me sleep, sleep for days. Other days, I understand you’re going to make me feel like the best person in the world, like I am untouchable.

There are millions of people who have to accommodate you, Billy. It seems every single day that a celebrity is coming forward, saying how they have struggled with your presence, but have let us all know that you are not all of them, you’re there, but they can still achieve greatness. I think, a couple of weeks ago, I was initially very concerned about your bold presence, about the fact you had made yourself known, and you were never going to go anywhere. You are clearly stubborn, but maybe that’s why you’re such a good match for me. And I hope I can still achieve greatness.

So, for those of you who have heard about Billy in passing, read about someone having him in their life but not really got it (absolute hands up, me too). Let me try and break it down for you, and for me. Let’s try and understand it, as briefly as we can, together.

Bipolar, (lets use Billy’s second name, I know he likes to think he is important), I’d heard of it but wasn’t familiar with it. Bipolar is a mental illness, its thought to be caused by an imbalance in the way brain cells communicate with each other. This imbalance causes extreme mood swings that go way beyond the normal “ups and downs” of everyday life, wildly exaggerating the mood changes that everyone has. People with bipolar can have long or short periods of stability, but tend to then encounter a “low” (deep depression) or a “high” (usually mania or psychosis). Bipolar can also throw people into a “mixed state” whereby symptoms of depression and mania occur at the same time. Fun.

I hear you though… “Everyone is moody! Doesn’t everyone have a form of bipolar disorder?” But listen, unlike bipolar mood swings, moodiness has a trigger that makes sense. And it is in context—a bad day at work, a fight with a boyfriend, moving, or something really sad and sudden such as getting fired, or the death of a loved one. Moodiness can even be the result of a person’s personality. Unlike simple mood swings, each extreme episode of bipolar disorder can last for several weeks (or even longer). Bipolar disorder mood swings, are very different to mood swings. They are often inappropriate or unreasonable responses to triggers, or they may lack any connection to a specific trigger. Bipolar mood swings, moreover, have nothing to do with someone’s personality. The mood swings can get dangerously low, or be unreasonably high or manic. They can show in other ways, as in spending sprees, for example. (Mate the amount of times I have had weeks of several amazon parcels a day being delivered). But they are always episodic with a distinct beginning and end.

Now, whilst people with bipolar tend to swing between depression and mania, there is no “typical” pattern of symptoms. Every person who accommodates Billy, accommodates him differently, and the length of time someone spends at either extreme of mood (high or low) can really vary – it can be days, weeks or months. There can be periods stable or “normal” mood in between episodes, but some can swing from periods of mania to depression quite quickly without a period of stability in the middle. You tired yet?

I will stop boring you now but I think my worst fear, and the reason for this all, I guess, is that when Billy was passed to me officially (when I was diagnosed by my psychiatrist – doesn’t that just sound shit?!), was the fear of ignorance and stigma I may begin to face. It is a big word, but it is just a word isn’t it (hence Billy). It is completely true that I did not and do not have to disclose a health condition that I have to anyone, however… why shouldn’t I. Billy is a part of me, Billy may affect me, affect my behaviour, my emotions or the way I can cope with things, he may cause me to need a bit of time. So people should know. I am continuing to attempt to accept myself living with Billy, and have a long way to go before I am going to be able to not define myself by him. But I hope writing this is the start of it, the start of me living alongside Billy, but not letting him take over.

Despite all of this, despite all the struggles having Billy is going to present me with, I hope there will be moments where I shine, where Billy helps me shine. And in time, when I am more self-aware, my bad days, I am sure, will only amplify the good. I endeavour to learn to appreciate those moments even more because I will fight to get there. I won’t have all the answers all the time, but in time, I hope I will learn what works for me and what doesn’t. It will be a struggle, but if I wasn’t a fighter, I wouldn’t be here now.

So here it is, I know now, you know now. Please ask questions, I’m asking them too, please be inquisitive, I am too. Please talk to me if you accommodate Billy, or know someone who does. It kind of makes me feel less lonely. I am trying to learn about all of this, I feel like it’s the way I’m going to get through it at the moment. Please do, join me, welcome Billy. But more than anything, know I am still Ellen, I always have been. It’s just going to take me a bit of time to get used to this.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx