Ellen on the Edge

I’m still a little girl, really. I find adult life extremely hard to deal with and don’t enjoy it most of the time. I yearn for the vulnerability I could rely on when I was younger and am still in need of feeling like I am being looked after. Last year, I decided to dispose of every pair of pyjamas I owned that were not embellished with some sort of Disney character or scene. It became a thing. A very childish thing, but one that I was onboard with (the obsessiveness and intense personality lent itself well to this one). It’s quite sad really, and I know this is a life stage that I will outgrow. But in the past year I’ve felt it more intensely than ever. Depression has sucked some of my independence away and I have found that I need to be home, I need to be safe and I need to be around my Mum.

My mum is the only one who lets me live in a truly vulnerable state. I know her every ounce is committed to motherhood, and I honestly believe she finds it hard to let go of the full committal energy. Some people were just born to be Mumma’s and never really want to give even a little bit of it up. Mine is one of them.

When I became really unwell a few months ago, I know her heart broke. She was consistent in her questioning as to what she could do to help me, she bought me ready salted crisps and full fat coke when I couldn’t eat, she sat with me and stroked my hair, or my feet, or just let me hold her hand. She and my Dad, would probably say that they felt helpless, or that they felt they couldn’t do anything, in all truth… they did everything.

It must be horrendous seeing your child go through mental torture, if your child is physically hurt you can bandage it, take them to a doctor, feed them nice food and soothe them. It’s just not the same with mental illness, nothing can really be done to patch it up and fix it. However what I really wish my loved ones, my parents and especially my mum knew, is that she saved me, she saves me, every single day.

You should really appreciate the people you have close to you, maybe not a Mum in the conventional manner. But the person that keeps you afloat, that goes unrewarded and often unmentioned. Give them some appreciation, they bloody deserve it. And if you’re a Mumma, fucking go you! You’re smashing it every single day, we all appreciate you, we rely on you, our hearts, are made from and rely on you. Please give yourself a break and a bit of self love.

My Mumma went into surgery this afternoon, for a procedure that is going to change her life, for the better. It’s been a long awaited procedure, and she is in so much pain, she desperately needs this. I am and have been terrified. I hate the thought of someone I love being in hospital. I’m selfish and don’t want my Mum to not be able to look after me. I also hate seeing her vulnerable and in pain, it breaks my heart. But I wanted to kick start her recovery, for her to wake up from what I hope will be a very successful operation; by giving her this, an appreciation I guess, a thank you, for supporting me through every illness, but especially this one, for this year, and for every year. An apology for how much of her I have taken, and never given back.

I am often told that I am “just like” my mum, that I’m a “mini Maxine”. Something that I have, consistently rolled my eyes at, and at times not really liked. But I think that’s changing, I hope I am a different person, because no one wants to be a clone. But if I present myself like her, if I show the strength and resilience she has shown, and the willingness to carry on when in so much pain, I should and will take that as a compliment.

So here’s to us Mumma. Thank you, thank you so much for passing me parts of your strong willed, opinionated, kind, extremely loving, generous, emotional, naive, powerful, ambitious, approachable, devoted, punctual, honest and incredibly vulnerable and beautiful personality.

I’m just sorry I didn’t pick up the eloquence.

I love you, Mumma. Get well soon.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx

It’s funny isn’t it, the dream of a big holiday. Having such high expectations and pressure – from the world, to have the best time and make the most of every single second can be pretty tough. It’s like – if you don’t have the most incredible trip, it’s not worth it.

I’ve just got back from a 2 week trip to Jamaica, (apologies for the radio silence), it was amazing, I took a full on life break and I did have the most incredible trip. But it almost didn’t happen, I had to really work hard to prepare myself for going away so that it didn’t come as a surprise when or if mental health issues came up and so I could try to prevent being away from home actually making them worse.

Despite the universal understanding that when you’re in a bikini, smiling and on holiday, things are a lot easier to deal with, I don’t believe that’s always the case. If you struggle with your mental health, being away just changes the location in which you are unwell. It can mean however, that you’re enjoying yourself, recovering, doing what you need to do. It can feel a bit silly to admit that leaving work behind, going somewhere incredible, and doing nothing but relaxing and exploring can leave you feeling a little unstable. You’re on holiday. You’re supposed to be happy. And yet… Mental health issues can pop up whenever and wherever. It doesn’t matter if you’re on a beach or stuck in a cubicle at work, your brain can unfortunately have decisions of its own. I suppose I found it easier to do what I want, I didn’t force myself to drink, stay up late or be in situations that make me uncomfortable. The sun helped a lot and having such friendly and loving people around me softened the blow of a low day.

I suprised myself in how much of an amazing time I was having and made some unbelievably good friends who I confided in and who gave me the space/support and love that made me feel completely at ease. I did have times when it was bloody hard work though; the disruption in routine, the jetlag, the booze, the pressure to have fun – it can and did all add up to a worrying mental state. Add in the guilt I felt for still having issues when I was doing something amazing, and it’s understandable how some people can feel that holidays can end up feeling like they will be more stress than they’re worth. Please believe me when I say though, sometimes – they are worth it. Jamaica was so so worth it.

I really think the trick is being honest with yourself, realising that a change in location rarely magically fixes mental illness, and making sure to keep up essential self-care. Preparation is everything. I took note of some things that really helped me whilst away, if you have any anxiety about travelling, please take note. It may help, it may not.

1. Get plenty of sleep

If you’re in a hotel with a comfy bed, make the most of it and get some bloody rest. Tiredness sucks so so bad and can be a major contributor to stress, leading to you feeling unwell – that doesn’t change just because you’re on holiday.

Give yourself a bedtime and try to stick with it when possible, if jetlag or traveling in general tires you out enough to require a nap, have a nap.

2. Keep taking your medication

Sounds obvious, but there’s always a strange temptation to say ‘f*** it, I won’t need antidepressants when I’m in Greece!’

Mate, you do.

Make sure you have enough to last throughout your holiday, stick an alarm on your phone so you take your meds at roughly the same time regardless of time difference, and check the guidelines for having medication in your luggage (I didn’t have any issues taking antidepressants abroad – I just popped them in my clear liquid bag in my hand luggage).

3. Give yourself permission to stay in the hotel

You’re somewhere new and you want to explore. You’ve got a checklist of sights to see and places to visit. But then you feel anxious and exhausted. You’d really quite like to have a relaxing night in – but that’d be waste, right?

Stop worrying about ‘wasting’ your holiday – if you’re going to finish the trip stressed and miserable, that’s much more of a waste than spending one night cosied up in bed. Don’t beat yourself up for needing some downtime. Reframe your holiday as having one purpose: making you feel refreshed and relaxed.

4. Make sure you have some solo time

It’s tough when you’re on holiday in a group and feel like you have to go at the same pace as everyone else. At times, I found being around people was a great distraction and I enjoyed being busy, but it’s important that if you need some alone time, you can get it. Even if that’s just heading to bed a bit earlier.

5. Give yourself a generous budget

There are few things more stressful on holiday than feeling guilty for every bit of cash you spend.

Make sure you’ve been realistic beforehand about how much you can afford to spend while you’re away, and be a little on the generous side of your budget. You deserve to treat yourself and you deserve to do all of the fun things whilst you’re on holiday!

6. Give up caring about doing it all

When your to do list becomes a chore and you’re rushing through your meal just so you can go to that coffee place someone mentioned, you’ve lost the point of your holiday a bit.

Prioritise the things you really care about, but at the end of the day, the whole point of a holiday is to enjoy it. As long as you feel relaxed and happy at the end of it, mission accomplished.

7. Trust those friends

It’s often in the most unlikely of circumstances that we find people who are truly meant for us. I know on this trip I met some people who just got me, it was heartbreakingly wonderful. I am so grateful to them for allowing me to be unapologetically me.

Friends you meet whilst travelling or on a break always turn out to be the best ones, you are like-minded and have picked the same place to spend your time. Trust them and confide in them, they know nothing of you and have no preconceptions, so you are free to completely be yourself.

8. Take a bloody break

Put your phone down for a couple of hours or a couple of days. Be present in the moment you’re in, with the new friends you have made, with the place you’re in. Be present with the fact you made it on this trip, you got yourself here and it’s your doing that you’re having the best time. No picture or Instagram post is ever going to do that justice.

I don’t know if you needed any of this, if you didn’t, I truly apologise for teaching you to suck eggs. However these 8 pointers were the things that kept me going for 2 weeks, they kept me grounded and allowed me not to get in over my head. It was the best decision to go away for a little while, for loads of reasons. I am thankful for my wonderful sister who didn’t leave my side for 2 whole weeks, and for a country that offered me acceptance and sunshine in every possible way.

If you need a smile, and can stretch your budget, head away, head far away. But don’t make yourself ill before or whilst you’re away, holidays are worth it, but there will always be a next time.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx