The Mask

Ellen Thomas1 Comment

I spoke a couple of months ago about the misinterpreted face of depression. And the frustration I have with it. An extract from the post reads; “It’s easier to smile. It is easier at the time. We all know that. But everything will always catch up with us, it has too. Especially with the weight of a world that is desperate for us to be consistently happy, consistently instagrammable, and consistently consistent. It’s all too much.” And I want to write today about this a bit more. About how I cope or don’t cope or am struggling to cope, and how my coping mechanism can sometimes be… well, The Mask.

I wear a mask, one that (to most people) makes me appear to be strong and capable, cheerful, outgoing, warm. The “nothing bothers me” mask. It continues to smile no matter what is happening to the woman behind it. The mask is a way to hide my bruised self, a way to hide or disguise the feelings that are raw and vulnerable. It is safe. It allows me to attempt perfect control over what people get to see. We all wear it at times. And it’s vital some of the time. In professional settings it’s important to be able to keep some feelings controlled, that’s your job. In a supermarket, we smile and thank the person who serves us, no matter how we are feeling. When your friend needs you, you put everything aside, you put on The Mask for a little while, to help them out. Now, I need you to know that this post is not saying that we should never wear The Mask, sometimes, it’s needed, it’s appropriate. But what we must all be doing, is taking it off. And acknowledging it for what it is, The Mask.

My Mask used to fit me so well — seamlessly even — but in the past couple of years it has started to hurt a little. It feels heavy and no longer seems to fit and holding it up gets to be exhausting and occasionally it starts to slip. What once felt as though it was made from fine china, light and smooth, easy to keep in place, now feels to be roughly crafted from harsh sandpaper — it is heavy and rubs painfully.

I don’t want to wear it all the time anymore, and I am desperately trying to adjust to a life where I only wear it part time, but I am also fighting a feeling of not wanting to burden people with the real feelings I have. Truth is, I have been and am scared. I don’t like to leave the safety of my sanctuary, it frightens me. I am scared of falling apart, every single day, I am horrified at the thought that my mask might drop, without me being able to control when I take it off. I am terrified of being seen, judged or pitied. It strikes fear in my heart to think of falling apart and having people suggest it was a way to get attention, to be noticed.

I know avoidance is considered to be a poor and dangerous coping skill, but despite that, a lot of the time, I just want to be alone. I am lonely, sometimes. But not too often. I am aware of the negative presence I have at the moment. I don’t want to burden people with my presence unless I know that I am going to be able to keep the strong and cheerful me present. I do not want to be a disappointment. And right now, I’m desperately trying to work out… work out how to be me again, I’m putting on The Mask as often as I can. But I’m letting my real self, my depressed self, breathe a bit more. Sometimes I can’t face putting The Mask on just to sit for a meal at my family dinner table, I take it off in the evenings, I am aware of when I have been wearing it too long, and even more aware when it begins to slip.

Now trust me, I’m not about to even contemplate living a mask-free life. Although I suppose that’s what I’m doing with Ellen on the Edge, I don’t find it very difficult to sit behind a keyboard and share my thoughts, and for me, it’s quite therapeutic. But opening up in person, right now… let’s just say, The Mask is still in place.

Keep your mask on if that’s what you feel you need to do. I’m totally with you. But please know that you will need to take it off at some point, your real self needs to breathe. Do what you need to do, darling.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx

Stop Scratching

Ellen Thomas1 Comment

The day I wore this plaster I was asked what I had done to my thumb, twice. Both times I responded with something along the lines of “I’ve just got a little sore”. That was acceptable enough and no more questions were asked. Why I wasn’t honest I don’t know, maybe I should have been. The reality was that I had put it there to stop myself scratching, I had scratched so deeply into my thumb one day at work that I had taken 3 layers of skin off and it was blistered and bleeding.

Somewhere in my despair, I stumbled upon what I thought was an “answer” in scratching. Momentarily it took my mind somewhere else, I focused on the pain of the scratch. I was feeling better for the physical pain, it was taking away from the whirlpool in my head and the pain of my thoughts.

So, *takes a deep breath* the bottom line is that the plaster in that picture is covering up a small stain of self harming. Isn’t it? I could feather it, I could cover it in glitter and make excuses for itchy skin. But I have to be honest, and I hope that my doing so, either helps you in recognising aspects of harmful behaviour, either in yourself so you can seek help, or in someone else, so you can reach out. I didn’t realise I self harmed until I was asked by my GP whether I had ever hurt myself, I replied no and she (for some reason) asked whether I scratched or bit my lips. I replied that I did the former and she informed me that I was self harming just maybe not in the obvious way. It all clicked. I hated myself for doing it, and a lot of the time never did it to the point of bleeding or scars, but I still did it. Of a night, my skin on my lower leg had felt like it was on fire, I had to scratch them. This tended to pull my mind away from the darkness of nighttime.

I’m not what most people would think of as a “typical self-harmer”. It never occurred to me that I might lose control. I was unprepared. I had not known how to verbalise what I was feeling or who best to approach for help — nor did I consider failure an option. So I pushed ahead with my everything, with my life, and refused to acknowledge that I was far from OK. I started to fall apart and I started to hurt myself.

We shower the term self-harm with thoughts of people cutting themselves with razors. Under a certain definition, many acts can be considered self-harm, not simply cutting or scratching until blood is drawn, scratches that simply leave a mark, pinching, hitting, burning or picking at scabs all fall under the umbrella. It’s not as much about what you do but why you do it, that will define whether the behaviour is self-harm. This breaks my heart, and is something I am extremely aware of now, as are my closest friends and family. “STOP SCRATCHING” is a daily line heard in my world.

Unfortunately, self-harm is shrouded in a stigma that prevented me from properly talking to anyone about it. This resulted in a few months of deception, until my mental health had deteriorated to the point of complete breakdown, and I was sat in front of a GP.

I feel incredibly lucky that I have managed to control this habit before I started relying on it. I know some people aren’t so lucky. I occasionally catch myself scratching, or someone close to me notices, and I do stop. But my god, if you’re finding it hard to stop, I’m so sorry. I know that after self-harming you may feel a short-term sense of release, it might be there, you might feel it’s momentarily helped, but the cause of your distress is unlikely to have gone away. Please remember that. You’re harming your lovely body, you are causing yourself pain as a distraction. There are things that aren’t going to cause you pain that will be able to actively alleviate that distress. I promise. Self-harm could also bring up some really difficult physical emotions and could make you feel worse.

Please remember, to encourage your friend to stop scratching, to stop biting their lips if you see them doing it. But most importantly, drop the stigma, please know that there are always reasons underneath and behind someone hurting themselves, it is important to know that self-harm does carry risks, but you must be understanding, and you must be open and accepting. If you are, you may just be the start of someone’s recovery.

And darling, if you’re scratching, please stop. Get into a freezing cold shower, it will calm those poor legs, arms, face or any other body part down. Sit there for a while. I’m so sorry you’re in this alone. But you will stop, it will all stop. And if it doesn’t stop completely, it will calm. You’ve just got to wait. Be patient. But please open up, ask for help, reach out online, reach out in person. We are all here to listen to you, whatever you have to say. We want to help, and we will do anything we can to help. I’m so proud of you, you’re going to get through this, and you will take that plaster off and that wound will heal, as will you.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx