“Has anyone seen my phone?”

Ellen ThomasLeave a comment

My phone is there, buzzing at me every two seconds, telling me I NEED to look at it.

I will put my hand up, pretty much stretch it as high as I can get it (like you did when you nearly burst a blood vessel in your head, when you were in primary school desperate to answer a question) and admit that I’m addicted to having my phone in my vicinity at all times. Having had a lot of time to kill recently, I’ve spent more time scrolling than ever. I have made conscious and strict rules around using and looking at my phone, but the rules can be and are bent, all the bloody time.

The love affair people have with their smartphones is an absolute hallmark of the generation that I was born into, if you were born in the 1990s or later, we are all known for being “surgically attached to our phones”. It should be a massive bloody concern for society that smart phones might be partly responsible for the growing incidence of depression, suicide and other major mental health illnesses. But what is being done about it? What can I actually do about it to be honest?

Through social media; I often find myself feeling inadequate. The entire world seems to be achieving in one way or another. Whether it be a new job or promotion. Tiny babies, or photos of grand weddings. Smiling faces sharing travels, or photos of certificates. It could be something else entirely. Whatever it is, it can be really hard to not let all of this carefully curated ‘success’ affect how I feel about myself. And on a day like today, where I am unable to even peel myself from my sofa because I’m exhausted and drained, when I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of meh, perfect pictures and updates of peoples lives are particularly hard to swallow.

The phone thing has hurt me and hit me particularly hard recently, because my every waking thought and every ounce of energy has been consumed with getting through the day. Some of us are trying our best to stay alive, to survive. When you have depression, you often worry about what other people think about you, and play things over and over again in your head. So when I get a message that could be misconstrued, or I send something that I think looks a bit desperate, I spend ages mulling things over. It wastes a huge chunk of my day, and it’s also very distracting.

It’s worth me remembering, that people carefully curate the things they tell people and put online, myself included. I remember posting a pictures on Facebook, grinning next to a driving test pass. But didn’t post the five times I failed my theory. People might show a grinning family portrait. But won’t share the six arguments they had that morning. We all pick and choose what we post online, and what we share with others. People don’t tend to share the not-so-nice bits of their life. They only share the things they’re proud to share.

I can honestly say I think my phone contributes massively to my lows. I constantly stress about what information it might present me with, and most importantly, I keep missing moments because of it.

I’m going to aim to bring back a rule, I’m not sure what that rule is yet, but I notice that when I decrease the amount I sit on my phone, my mood lifts, I enjoy moments, I open up and I don’t care about what someone else is up to. There are so many things that are contributing negatively to my mental health, that if I can identify something clearly and do something about it, I know I really should.

If you feel stuck, adrift, alone… and I know you’re reading this on your smartphone, I want to remind you how wonderful you are. Continuing to try your darnedest every day despite all the setbacks we all encounter is so brave. It’s so admirable. It’s so incredibly strong. We are succeeding by waking up every day, by showing up, by never ever giving up. And you’re not documenting any of that. Maybe you should. Maybe this isn’t about eradicating phones or drastically reducing our consumption and viewing of social media, maybe we just need to just change our approach. We should all start sharing the journey, not just the finish line. The highs and the lows, the reality. The bad days, the meh days, the days when we are on the Edge. I guess that’s what this blog is all about. We might all start to feel a bit more grounded, included and less alone if we are all openly on the edge or have an insight as to what being on the edge is like, if we are all in this together, don’t you think?

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx

Talking is Tough

Ellen ThomasLeave a comment

I am relatively open about my struggles with depression (I mean I’m writing a blog about it so…) I do however, have regular periods of being unable to vocalise how I’m feeling. Sometimes I can’t talk at all. You often see messages encouraging people to talk about their mental health, to tell others how they’re feeling. Well-meaning messages often suggest that people who are struggling can reach out for help and list phone numbers that people can ring if they are having a rough time. These messages are all fantastic in principle. The problem is that sometimes, no matter how much we want to, talking about our mental health can be really bloody difficult. Whichever stage someone is at in their mental health journey – whether it’s the first time they are speaking openly about their feelings or they have been talking about them for years, there are times when the words just won’t come out. It’s all well and good to be encouraged to talk about your feelings. But how do you do that if I don’t know how I feel? If the weight of the world is too much to even find the words?

It’s not always easy to work out feelings and emotions. Sometimes it feels like nothing at all – depression can leave me feeling so bloody numb. At other times, I have all sorts of feelings or emotions but won’t be able to identify what they are. It’s not always easy to talk, it’s really not.

I constantly and consistently have to battle with feeling chaotic, overwhelmed, lacking in headspace, sometimes I feel like a bloody bouncy ball being repeatedly thrown against a wall. None of these are things that I would probably class as an emotion or able to properly vocalise, but they’re still feelings aren’t they?

Another limiting fact of the “talking” thing is that unfortunately, I can’t always predict or control other people’s reactions and not everyone is as understanding as I might like them to be. If I’m worried about them responding in any of these ways, I tend to avoid the subject or shut it down as quickly as possible. At the moment I feel like sometimes I’m just not ready to talk to someone about certain things and need to spend more time building up a trusting relationship with them.

I know that I am particularly lucky to feel that I am able to talk about my mental health so openly, but for some people, they may desperately want to talk about their feelings but feel as though they have nobody they can speak to about them. Sometimes when you’re struggling you feel unable to speak to friends or family members. It’s so important for people to be open minded when going into a situation where someone may be finding it hard to talk, and being as normal as you usually are and just listening with patience is the top skill, in my opinion.

If you have access to the money, you might be able to pay for a private counsellor or therapist. Therapists will be able to help you access the tools to vocalise how you’re feeling. Some therapists offer a sliding scale when it comes to the cost of their sessions which can help them to be more affordable for those of with less money available. You should of course visit your GP, who will be able to refer you for talking therapies, you may just have to wait. My employers offered the opportunity to access some counselling. Your HR department or manager if you are in work should know about the types of support available to you, it’s worth looking into. (Really hope you read this before reading my previous blog post “untheraputic” – not an ideal follow up, but I am still a big advocate for therapy).

I know that not everyone finds expressing their feelings easy, and it doesn’t come naturally to a lot of people, throw in some depression and anxiety and you’ve got a perfect reason to not talk at all. I know it’s cliche and I know you’ve read it, but talking does help, you don’t have to shout about it, and you don’t have to tell everyone. Wait until you’re ready, and pull someone you trust. It’s going to take some time for society to catch up and understand that it’s not as easy as just “speaking up”, but we can do our best.

Having a mental health illness is chronically painful and confusing and the more we all talk about it, however long that takes, the faster and easier we will all recover. I honestly believe that. Talking is tough, but you will get there, we will get there.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx