Yeah, alright, exercise is good

Ellen Thomas1 Comment

I like food. I like lying down. I like not moving. All things that coincide with gaining weight, becoming unhealthy and poor mental health, so I’m off to a great start.

I am very aware of the research that has been done that proves that exercise will improve your mental health. People who partake in regular exercise tend to have a healthy mind and there are few professional athletes with severe mental health problems. Raising your heart rate releases endorphins which will make you feel better, it’s a fact. But all that, still sometimes I know, isn’t enough to convince me or you.

I’m a bit of an obsessive, if I find something I like, enjoy or can do, I do it, eat it, buy it or consume it to a ridiculous level before getting sick of it. Cheese toasties was one, everyday for 3 weeks, no joke. But I find it the same with exercise. When I was at university, I struggled tremendously with my mental health but was unable to recognise it properly. I took up a gym membership in my second year and whilst my physical health improved dramatically I was happier and had more energy. I overdid it. I went every single day, for over an hour. It was so fabulous, but unsustainable, I managed it for around 9 months. But 9 months of happy and healthy Ellen, mildly addicted to exercise was an Ellen that I could get on board with. When I had a breakdown last year, I took up cycling, I am confident that it saved me from falling so low and I enjoyed it so much, after 2 weeks of daily cycling I signed up for a 60 mile bike ride. I bought a new bike and continued to cycle following the big ride but the daily intense cycling again fizzled out after around 9 months. I still cycle but it’s less often. And when I do, it is bloody marvellous. It’s annoying to hear, but exercise is helpful. I may end up overdoing it, but as I exercise, the fog starts to lift, and if I can lift that fog for an hour a day, by doing something, sign me up. I’m swimming at the moment, I’ve been every day for the past 9 days and am confident I will go tomorrow. But it’s getting me through, exercise has always got me through, no matter how long it’s taken me, how out of breath I get or how achey my muscles are. I’m hoping swimming stays for a bit longer than 9 months and that I can incorporate cycling and the gym for a more healthy balance.

However, please be notified that it has taken me 6.5 weeks of low to be able to exercise. Whilst I am a bit advocate for the benefits of exercise, sometimes it is simply not possible. I have been through a low which has disabled me from even getting out of bed, and so physical exercise/leaving the house is just a massive no and has been impossible. Its important to attempt to not punish yourself, do what you need to do. I spent a week sleeping and watched too much Netflix. And on days that I felt a bit brighter, I would contemplate and sometimes succeed at heading out for a really short walk, that was enough. Trust me when I say that getting out in the fresh air and walking for even 10 minutes is enough to lift you 1%. And that 1% could be enough to just keep you on that edge, rather than falling off it. You may come back and sleep for 4 hours. But you’ve got moving, for a little bit.

I am never ever going to be someone who can advocate a consistently healthy and active lifestyle and I am in no way qualified to tell people what they should and shouldn’t do when it comes to exercise. But it’s honestly saved me at points in the past few years and even just 30 minutes a week, believe me, will make a difference.

Give it a go, but make sure you’re ready for it, don’t force yourself, you won’t keep it up. Don’t become obsessive like me. Go at your own pace, do something you enjoy and do it as regularly as you want. It’s a choice, but a choice that may just give you that small boost you need. I’m going to continue to be obsessive about whatever form of exercise is helping me. And that’s the bottom line. It’s helping me. I am 24, and chubby, exercise isn’t a natural way of life, but I’m still here, and anything that helps with that, deserves my time. See you on the sweaty side.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx

The Face of Depression

Ellen ThomasLeave a comment

Two days after this photo was taken I was in bed completely drowning. I was drowning in thoughts; dark ones and scary ones and suicidal ones, wondering if I’d make it through the day. The day this photo was taken I was fighting against the grasps of depression. Depression that was trying to pull me in and suffocate me. Yet, I smiled, I smiled all day long.

Depression and any other Mental Health Illness does not carry one type of face. Key symptoms of depression include feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness, or hopelessness. Other symptoms show up as angry outbursts, loss of interest in normal activities, sleep disturbances, tiredness, and anxiety. The list goes on. If you notice any changes in someone’s behaviour or that they are showing signs of the above symptoms, you of course should raise it. However, what is not spoken about so often is the invisibility of these common symptoms and how they differ in how and when they manifest. The variation in my symptoms makes it challenging for family members and friends to know when it’s time to step in and intervene, and can sometimes be impossible for me to work out before it’s too late.

I have had periods of completely ignoring the inner turmoil that I feel. Smiling through the pain, is just easier, I tell myself.

There is a hashtag, #faceofdepression, it went viral following the tragic loss of Robin Williams who took his own life following a life of struggling with Depression, mostly without public knowledge due to his fun loving, beaming and infectious personality. The hashtag has began to open up conversation around what people with depression “look like”, which in fact, is completely impossible to identify. I have spent my time the past couple of weeks unable to look at any pictures on my camera roll from the past year, I associate certain images with times of feeling completely lost, yet I am convinced that there is not a single person that would know this from the smile I have on my face. It’s heartbreaking.

It’s easier to smile. It is easier at the time. We all know that. But everything will always catch up with us, it has too. Especially with the weight of a world that is desperate for us to be consistently happy, consistently instagrammable, and consistently consistent. It’s all too much.

The stigma that surrounds Mental Health Illneses needs to disappear. The judgement, fear, and assumptions have to go and the knowledge, acceptance and understanding needs to take a front seat. It is not going anywhere, it’s an incurable, dibilitating and for some, a life long battle. Whilst I know that I will manage my symptoms, and that life will go on, I fear that not everyone’s life will. We need to talk, and we need to eradicate the image that connects mental health illnesses to certain behaviours, to a sad face. This needs to happen. Fast. I hope I’m able to look at all the images I have soon, my smiles were real. But smiles, are that, smiles. They don’t mean everything, and a lot of people are fighting battles that they do not talk about. We are all in this together. Let’s start acting like it.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx