“I thought I’d give you something so you know that my heart is with you, even when I’m not” one of my closest friends said quietly as she handed me a beautifully crisp white box bag, we were stood in my bedroom as I pulled out a beautifully subtle silver bracelet with 2 silver hearts on. My heart couldn’t feel any more mended than it did in that moment. I loved her.

We are all guilty of loving a good quote image. You’re lying if you say you don’t follow at least one account on Instagram named “the good quote”, “quotes of life” or something similar and we all regularly come across sentences that speak to you on an emotional level (hun). It’s all kinds of cringe, but I came across a quote recently, one that read; “You’ll realise who is there for you when you’re at your worst.” This spoke to me.

I’ve always had a good group of friends, as standard, my friendship groups have changed, adapted, separated and dwindled over the years. I keep a few close circles in different places and that works for me.

Depression has unfortunately had a negative and long lasting effect on some of my friendships. During the depths of a low, maintaining consistent and meaningful contact is hard work. I have at times, isolated myself and have regularly cancelled plans. In life, everyone loses and gains friendships and relationships; it’s inevitable. But I found that the blow of losing or distancing from someone I trusted when I have been in a particularly low point of depression has felt much more intense. The feeling of loss I experienced was greatly magnified because I was struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts at the time.

One of the most difficult things I’ve had to accept in my recovery from mental illness is that I’ll lose parts of my support system along the way. Depression can make you feel lonely or like withdrawing socially. Throw a painful friend breakup on top of that and you can find yourself completely disappearing from social circles. I’ve learned a lot about my strength and independence by getting through these difficult losses, and I’ve also gotten a lot of clarity on who of my friends will truly be there through my worst (and best!) day.

Being friends with someone with mental health issues can be difficult sometimes and I try to understand where they’re coming from, too. Although I have felt particularly let down by a small percentage of friends in the past few months, I have had to have words with myself. It’s not always a conscious decision on they’re part, and people struggle with their own issues. It’s not all about me, I know that.

I, for the most part know that I am extremely lucky. The majority of my friends are unbelievable, they have maintained contact with me, asked to see me and given me support and space when I’ve needed it, without even trying and sometimes trying really hard. I am forever thankful for the time, and love that my friends have given me and continue to give me. They are constantly and consistently there and I wouldn’t be where I am without them, I hope they know that.

I honestly hope you’re ok, and that you have friends, important people, and lovely souls that are supporting you right now. If you know someone, have a friend or loved one who is struggling right now, please, be patient, be loving and just let them know you’re there. Start a conversation. A normal one. And please know, please know that it’s just hard when you’re at rock bottom, when you don’t want to and can’t say anything, but need everything.

Do your best, good friend, that’s all you can do.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx