Sleep, don’t sleep, sleep REPEAT

Ellen ThomasLeave a comment

It’s currently 0234am on a Tuesday night, I’ve had 2 pints of Robinson’s Orange Squash and 3 Mr Kipling’s Angel Slices (30% less sugar which means they’re healthy). In the 3.5 hours before I gave up I tried listening to my audiobook, listening to my sleep podcasts, listening to “rain falling on a tent” (don’t ask), listening to music, listening to nothing. I’ve tried covers on, I’ve tried covers off. I’ve drank water. I’ve cried. I’ve tried to be sick. Mate, I’ve tried it all. And recently on nights like this I’ve just given up, I’ve come down to my lounge, turned on some crap TV and just admitted that I ain’t sleeping until… until my mind is quiet enough to allow me to. It’s horrible and it’s not fair.

I love sleep. Always have. I need about 9 hours to be at my peak. I have the most comfortable bed and invested in white bed linen a year ago, because I wanted my bed to feel like a hotel bed (it’s from Amazon, 7 quid, so we are probably talking Ibis, at a push). Peak Ellen needs to have optimum conditions, no light, no sound. My Fitbit tells me I average around 6/7 hours on a working day, which tells me I always exist just below my peak, apart from the weekends, or… when I go to bed before sundown. Recently though it’s been a little less than a routine, and if I’m honest, I feel sorry for Fitbit trying to work out when I’m conscious and when I’m not. At the moment I’m working on a “sleep Monday night ”, “ no sleep Tuesday night”, “sleep Wednesday night”, “no sleep Thursday night”, you get the pattern? At the moment I have to have a light on when I do sleep and I need some background noise. On the nights I don’t sleep… like tonight, I can usually expect for my brain and body to give in between 0330 and 0600hrs. Which I guess, is giving me some sort of routine right? I’m rarely getting through the day without a nap and on the good sleep nights I’m sleeping anywhere between 9 and 12 hours. If I didn’t have crippling depression I’d be tip top and dandy on these days wouldn’t I. Jeeeeeez.

I am on medication which has an initial side effect of “difficulty sleeping or falling asleep”, YEAH YOU THINK?! And have found the loneliest time is around 0330hrs. It’s the middle of the night, humans are asleep. I used to be a shift worker and so I am aware of this time of night, but when I should be asleep, I find the inability to sleep harder than anything. I get a bit emotional and regress to lost child mode.

I am very aware that this is a symptom of my illness right now, and that people have struggled with insomnia for thousands of years and that there are plenty of people out there who are battling night demons much bigger than mine. But a symptom or not, it’s horrible, sleep is truly so important. And I hope, if you’re struggling to nod off at the moment, that you get to sleep soon. If not, at 0330hrs after a Mr Kipling Angel Slice, give me a try, I might just be awake.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx

A Rough Start

Ellen Thomas1 Comment

•I’m Ellen. I’m 24. My favourite film is Mary Poppins and I live in a small coastal town in the South of England. I work in the public sector and drive a car that is in persistent and constant need of a clean, as is my bedroom, and probably any other space that I occupy. I love having really deep conversations and ask too many questions. I live with my parents and my small spoilt brat of a dog, Poppy. I’m loud and outspoken. I really love being outside but often forget just how much I love it and stay indoors a lot. I feel things way to intensely and love until it hurts. And I am, at the moment, and always, on the edge.•

It’s weird. I’ve always found it easier to express myself on paper. Since I can remember I have loved writing, but have never had the perseverance or have made excuses as to why I couldn’t commit to writing properly.

Now, weirdly, feels like the right time. I’m wading my way out of an all time low, a quarter life crisis if you like. I’m about week… 6 of a low. I am unable to work at the moment and have been placed on medication which has been upped in the past 2 weeks. I have been leaving the house every day but have slept/rested/lay in some vegative state for around 70% of the past 6 weeks. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 23 but on some very basic and unthoughful reflection I can trace my mental health problems back to the age of around 5 years old. I have always felt things intensely and I’ve always expressed them very overtly.

Inspired also, by my Dad, who a week ago, suggested that I start a blog. My dad is a man of few words and rarely expresses his true emotions. He told me, a week ago, that he felt I wrote well, and expressed myself in a way that he felt could help me get through this and maybe even other people. I took his word for it, and I believed him and so… here we are.

I write posts on social media often, and I notice, that after this, I always feel better. It’s like a release. And so this is my new resolution, it’s a recovery tactic, and something to keep me focused as I try and battle my way out of this bout of awful Depression. It’s mostly selfish.

So let’s see how this goes shall we? I’m going to aim to be honest, open and raw in my writing. Not least because I think it will be helpful for me, now and in the future. But also because I hope it will help some of you not feel as alone, isolated, scared and lonely as I have felt recently. I will explain more later, but for now.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx