Tag: depression

The Sound of Silence

Ellen ThomasLeave a comment

I’ve always been a sociable person, for as long as I can remember I have enjoyed speaking and listening. I love finding out about people. I ask too many questions and love sociable situations. I’m unphased by noise and enjoy bars and pubs and festivals. I will purposefully put myself into loud and vibrant atmospheres and always turn the radio up full whack when a song comes on the radio that I like. I love laughing out loud with my friends and I scream and shout when I’m drunk. The loud sound on an aeroplane doesn’t bother me and I am consistently asking for the TV to be turned up. I actively like noise. I like being in situations where there is noise and as my friends and family will vouch for, I make a lot of noise.

All this changes sometimes though.

Today, I’m lying on my sofa, with the TV off and the sound of the wurring washing machine in the next room is making me feel anxious. My ears hurt and the occasional sound of a bird outside is searing through my ear drums. I can’t bear it. I don’t want to talk to anyone and am communicating in the fewest words possible. I’m consumed by the need for silence.

Today, like other days, after writing this I will take myself off to my bedroom. I will turn the light off and lie on my bed in silence. This allows me to hear the noise in my head, I acknowledge it and listen to it. This, for me, gives less power to the noise and I’m able to quieten it down once I’ve given it my full attention and sometimes I even relax. This is in by no means a long term solution, but at the moment, this is working, and it’s enabling me to cope. If you’re struggling with noise, give the above a go.

I’ve been off work for around 6 weeks and believe I have made significant recovery in that time, I’ve still got a way to go but I’m confident I’m back on the path to normality. My need for silence occasionally still remains and rather than being scared or put out by it. I am able to sometimes just take myself out to the garden, and sit and listen to natural sounds, that all seems less daunting. But I ride it, I do what I need to do and try my best to make people aware of what it is that I need. If you’re struggling with noise, people, a situation, anything… take action. Remove yourself, talk to those your with, ask for help, go lie on your bed in silence and don’t for a second feel bad about it. You do you, darling, the need for silence is real.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx

Sleep, don’t sleep, sleep REPEAT

Ellen ThomasLeave a comment

It’s currently 0234am on a Tuesday night, I’ve had 2 pints of Robinson’s Orange Squash and 3 Mr Kipling’s Angel Slices (30% less sugar which means they’re healthy). In the 3.5 hours before I gave up I tried listening to my audiobook, listening to my sleep podcasts, listening to “rain falling on a tent” (don’t ask), listening to music, listening to nothing. I’ve tried covers on, I’ve tried covers off. I’ve drank water. I’ve cried. I’ve tried to be sick. Mate, I’ve tried it all. And recently on nights like this I’ve just given up, I’ve come down to my lounge, turned on some crap TV and just admitted that I ain’t sleeping until… until my mind is quiet enough to allow me to. It’s horrible and it’s not fair.

I love sleep. Always have. I need about 9 hours to be at my peak. I have the most comfortable bed and invested in white bed linen a year ago, because I wanted my bed to feel like a hotel bed (it’s from Amazon, 7 quid, so we are probably talking Ibis, at a push). Peak Ellen needs to have optimum conditions, no light, no sound. My Fitbit tells me I average around 6/7 hours on a working day, which tells me I always exist just below my peak, apart from the weekends, or… when I go to bed before sundown. Recently though it’s been a little less than a routine, and if I’m honest, I feel sorry for Fitbit trying to work out when I’m conscious and when I’m not. At the moment I’m working on a “sleep Monday night ”, “ no sleep Tuesday night”, “sleep Wednesday night”, “no sleep Thursday night”, you get the pattern? At the moment I have to have a light on when I do sleep and I need some background noise. On the nights I don’t sleep… like tonight, I can usually expect for my brain and body to give in between 0330 and 0600hrs. Which I guess, is giving me some sort of routine right? I’m rarely getting through the day without a nap and on the good sleep nights I’m sleeping anywhere between 9 and 12 hours. If I didn’t have crippling depression I’d be tip top and dandy on these days wouldn’t I. Jeeeeeez.

I am on medication which has an initial side effect of “difficulty sleeping or falling asleep”, YEAH YOU THINK?! And have found the loneliest time is around 0330hrs. It’s the middle of the night, humans are asleep. I used to be a shift worker and so I am aware of this time of night, but when I should be asleep, I find the inability to sleep harder than anything. I get a bit emotional and regress to lost child mode.

I am very aware that this is a symptom of my illness right now, and that people have struggled with insomnia for thousands of years and that there are plenty of people out there who are battling night demons much bigger than mine. But a symptom or not, it’s horrible, sleep is truly so important. And I hope, if you’re struggling to nod off at the moment, that you get to sleep soon. If not, at 0330hrs after a Mr Kipling Angel Slice, give me a try, I might just be awake.

Hang in there.

Ellen on the Edge xx