I remember this day. 

It popped up on my Facebook memories today, it was taken exactly 9 years ago. I had just turned 18 and as per most weekends, I was at a house party with a quarter filled bottle of cheap energy drink topped right up, with a whole mini bottle of glens vodka. Class.

This photo hurts though, it’s weird that I remember this day specifically, but in all honesty, its the earliest memory I have that I can now blame on Billy.

I woke up that morning, the same as any morning, it was a Saturday and me and my friends were buzzing about the party (that was probably shit) that was going to happen later. I got out of bed, and went about my day as normal (the morning part of the day is a blur), but I distinctly remember going into my parents bedroom, at some point. Something had come over me as I was sat on my bed looking at my phone. My Mum was standing sorting out the items on her big set of drawers in the corner. She turned round and as usual came “you alright sweetheart?”. I suddenly wasn’t. I started crying. My Mum bolted over and hugged me; “what’s up?!” she said. “I don’t know, I just feel really sad”. I can’t imagine what she thought, and I have no idea what I thought. But out of nowhere, I had this feeling of absolute heartbreak. I couldn’t stop.

We went downstairs, and as usual she, when I was upset, she made me a cup of tea with 2 sugars. I mean, it didn’t help and I distinctively remember saying “I’m going upstairs”. I know now, that this must of been puzzling and extremely worrying for my Mum. Both of my parents have, in recent years, shared with me how frightened they have been at times. And this was just the start. 

I remember, walking upstairs, into my bedroom and looking in my wardrobe. I looked at the clothes staring back at me. I was at a point where, having just turned 18, I had terrible body confidence and hated my body, I had nothing to wear. This just added to my distress. My Mum came up the stairs and I told her I had nothing to wear, still crying.

“Right, we are going to get you something” – she was doing whatever she could at this point, looking back, she knew something was wrong, but wanted to do whatever she could to help. She always did. We went into the city, and managed to find a blouse that I liked. No question, Mum was buying it for me. Thanks, Mum. 

I came back home and got in the shower, I started crying in the shower, I was just so distraught, I was scared of what I was feeling. Why was I so sad? It got to the point where I was starting to get scared, what I now know as anxiety had started to kick in. I got out the shower and my Mum came and told me she had text my best friend, Amy, telling her I wasn’t’ feeling great. Amy came over within half an hour, I had managed to put a smiley face on. She didn’t know what to say, no one did, we were 18, mental health wasn’t even a thing to us back then (that’s only 9 years ago?!). I managed to pull myself together, and spoke to Amy as we were getting ready; “I just don’t feel right, I feel scared, and I don’t know what of”. She, even at that time somehow managed to find the right thing to say “Look, lets go to the party, if you feel weird, we will leave, I will come with you. But I know if you sit here, you will just be at home and think about how sad you are. And neither of us know what is wrong with you”. We started laughing.

I went to the party. I got drunk. But I look at this photo, and to me, I can see a little bit of Billy in my eyes.

Look back at photos, look how far you have come. But also remember, that you are allowed to be sad for photos, you are allowed to look at photos and be angry. And I am allowed to look at this photo and mourn a time where we just didn’t know, or talk about mental health enough.

With this photo, for me, I was able to completely remember this day. It’s all in the eyes. 

Hang in there. 

Ellen on the Edge xx